Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

How are you supposed to live a normal life when "home" was chaos? That's the topic of today's SelfWork. and it's triggered by a very frank email from a listener whose kept his chaos secret for many years.We can tend to keep secret the fact that home was chaos – you can fear being judged for it, even though you didn’t cause it. Please heed a trigger warning; the story is hard to hear. And if there was significant trauma in your own childhood, then please listen carefully.You'll also listen to a voicemail that was sent to me years ago now but a woman who’d tried to talk with her therapist about her identifying with perfectly hidden depression. And her therapist argued with her – saying there was no way she fit criteria for depression. It’s a stunning problem to have… when your therapist’s lens doesn’t allow them to see what you’re trying to say to them. And it’s a special problem with perfectly hidden depression.Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting h

Today we're going to focus on how to find community and belonging by finding or creating a "third space." What's that?Many of you don’t remember the 1983 hit show Cheers. It was about a local Boston bar run by a recovering alcoholic who was still very much a playboy. The bar was peopled by everyone from a grandiose psychiatrist, a retired coach, a rather superior-feeling grad student, a mailman, and well... who knew what Norm did! . Characters fell in lust, in love, and out of love. But the strong message from the show was that everyone needed a place of acceptance and belonging - hence the lyrics of the Cheers theme song."Sometimes you wanna goWhere everybody knows your nameAnd they're always glad you cameYou wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)You wanna be where everybody knows your name"But that was 1983. A lot has changed – a lot. But today we’re going to focus on our remaining need as humans to have a sense of belonging and community - and to

Why is it so hard to treat eating disorders? We're going to find out today in this interview with Johanna Kandel, founder and director of the National Alliance for Eating Disorders.Kandel brings her own successful recovery from anorexia and bulimia to this interview whose message is that full recovery is possible. She's the author of book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder, but in her establishment of a thriving clinician-led service organization, she stresses that you can free yourself from identifying with the disorder - and then become it. Eating disorders can far too easily become who you are.Kandel seeks to empower readers by sharing her own past—how her youthful perfectionism and aspirations to become a ballerina fueled her need to control and numb her emotions, which stoked her disorder. She also offers practical advice: “My eating disorder gave me carte blanche not to have to do things that scared me: I didn’t have to feel . . . Basically, it protected me . . . from life.”I loved this conve

Today the focus is on doctors and depression, with Dr. Pamela Buchanan as my guest, in a second episode in the "Careers That Kill" series, discussing medical providers, the pandemic, and depression.  She's a board-certified physician, speaker and thought leader dedicated to transforming healthcare and championing mental well-being. She’s a TEDx speaker known for her powerful talk on “Emotional Flatline,” which explores the emotional toll of the high-stress ER during the pandemic, and the struggle doctors have with depression. As the author of The Oxygen Mask Principle, Dr. Buchanan teaches self-care as a revolutionary act for working mothers, healthcare professionals, and high achievers. She's also currently an ambassador with the Lorna Breen foundation that has a focus prevent physician suicide. Recently, she's taken a strong stance that she, as a Black physician, has to prove herself over and over - which is not only unjust, but adds intense pressure to her every day. Still, she's pa

What is optimism fatigue? Is it a new a kind of depression?In this episode of SelfWork, I’m thinking aloud a bit with you … if what we’re experiencing is a new kind of depression – one that’s mixed in with anxiety and fatigue. What’s it called? Optimism fatigue. It may not be diagnosable, but as I’ve considered my own situation, I realize that I’m having to dig a little deeper to find comfort that I can offer to others. It’s not that I can’t find it. But it’s harder. There’s a big difference between false enthusiasm and true optimism or hope. And I’ll hope that what I’ve learned from research and then, adding in my own two bits, will guide you in your own quest for emotional balance – and even optimism.The listener email for today is from a young woman who’s despairing about the emotional abuse she’s received from several partners – yet yearns to create a family with children. I told her that I’d be using her question today so hopefully she’s listening – I’ll do my best to give her, and you, some helpful idea

What was your "job" in your family?Most of us love to take tests like the Enneagram or the Myers/Briggs to find out what the test might have to say about our personality style or our strengths and vulnerabilities. But something you might also gravitate to – in thinking about what’s called your family of origin – or the family you grew up in – is talking about the roles each of the children played in the family - or what was your "job" in your family. The six most commonly agreed upon roles are called Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot, Caretaker/Enabler and Golden Child – and we’ll go through all of these in detail!So today we’re going talk about the role you played in your family and maybe even the role you’re STILL playing in your family. And… as always… what can you do about it if you’re not profiting from it in a healthy way.The listener voicemail is from a young woman who recognizes her role as “the golden child” in her family – as the one who can make no mistakes in a parent’s eyes. And

What are seven good reasons to stop therapy? That's the focus of this week's SelfWork!It’s often a very moving moment when you leave therapy. Here’s someone that you’ve trusted and confided in for weeks or months – or sometimes even years. And it’s time to walk out of their office and do without that resource. As I like to say, it’s my job to do myself out of a job. And I celebrate with people I’ve worked with when they leave to hopefully use the skills learned, and enjoy the feelings of having worked through whatever pain or trauma had been plaguing them.But there are other good reasons to stop therapy - and we'll talk about seven of them.Our listener voicemail this week is a bit different; the topic is how to handle your feelings if you’re a caregiver, but the person you’re caring for led a life of self-neglect, which inevitably led to the illness they have now.Vital Links:Cathy Sikorski's SelfWork episodeAdvertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting help? BetterH

The focus today is on what I call "the shame and self-blame game."One listener told me recently that she wondered for a long time - “Did I allow my abuse?” How many of you feel to blame for your own abuse? And does that very shame and self-blame make it even more important to keep what happened secret? You bet it can. It’s this irrational shame we’re going to tackle. Because you’re looking back on what happened with the eyes of an adult - not through the eyes of the child you were. And that's a very vital distinction.Our listener voicemail asks a simple question: How can I help my daughter who fits your description of perfectly hidden depression to a tee? I’m so scared for her. It’s a great question because it’s respecting or sensing how difficult it might be for your loved one to look at themselves with compassion.Vital Links: SelfWork Episode: Learning how to feel and release difficult emotions –Check out my YouTube channel !Good Will Hunting YouTube clipAdvertiser's Link:Click HERE for the

We’re talking about sexual abuse today – to be more specific, the horrors of marital rape. Please if you have any kind of history of abuse which many of you I’m sure do – please listen cautiously as the facts of the case could be highly triggering for you. For international abuse hotlines please click here.You may have heard about the French woman, Gisèle Pelicot, who was the victim of multiple rapes – by multiple men including her husband – while drugged. This occurred over several years. All men were found guilty.I know many men who voice their horrors of marital rape, or any sexual violence. And I’ve worked with male victims of sexual abuse. Yet women live with fear every day – that the simplest of choices, like turning on a light when you get into your apartment or making a choice to jog a different way home – as now, if someone was watching you, they’d know where you live or they’d get you alone. The fear is constant for girls and women, and often occurs in marriage and families.Our listener voicemail is

You Only Die Once, written by positive psychologist Jodi Wellman, has this very important message - being aware of your last moment can help you live this one more fully.She's a devout believer in not wasting the time you have, not spending this moment in dread or apathy. Statistically speaking, we're given four thousand Mondays in our lifetime to live. So savoring those moments, realizing that every minute of every day holds meaning, is vital to your happiness.Both in her book, You Only Die Once, and her TEDxtalk, she uses her quirky humor and very welcome common sense to urge each one of us to live more deeply and die with no regret.Advertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, th

 Today we’re going to talk about loneliness – and how one article I read drew some conclusions about it that made a lot of sense to me. One major point – we can’t or shouldn’t harken back to older times and think we need to create those now. That’s not the answer. Cell phones, virtual meetings or classes, working from home, pandemic hangover – none of that is going to go away. We’re not suddenly going to help a neighbor raise a barn or birth a baby. So we’ve got to understand there’s no going back and instead look forward to new ideas and solutions to address thie epidemic of loneliness. .So, what is that solution? I’ll put in my two bits per normal here on SelfWork. And it has to do with not believing your thoughts but realizing that they may be painting a reality that’s simply not true.Our voicemail today is from a listener in Australia – although her home is the US – and she describes going through a hard time – feeling alone – and how one of my podcasts on the good enough parent was helpful to her.Vital L

We're announcing a new CBT app, the Feeling Great App! ! It's founded by one of the forefathers of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, David Burns MD. He's a renowned psychiatrist, and as we learn in this episode, a doctor who fought the odds to create a technique to treat depression that actually worked.Dr. Burns is the best-selling author of the books Feeling Good and Feeling Great, which have sold over 7 million combined copies worldwide. Users of the Feeling Great App, have reported a reduction in depressive feelings, on average, a whopping 55%, with similar reductions in anger, loneliness, and other difficult emotions.Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join m

What are the gifts of saying no?The word that’s often used to talk about this is ‘boundary.’ Do you have trouble saying no? Or can you identify the how, when, where, and why to say no? Or put another way, when to say yes? We’ll focus on how much of your decision-making is affected by depression or anxiety, or even personality disorders that have a huge bearing on how you decide to say no.Our voicemail today is from a young woman whose mother is highly volatile at home – but who can be quite loving and wonderful at other times. She’d read my article on borderline mothers, and it strongly resonated with her – I’m sure some of you can also relate. It’s a very confusing family dynamic but one that’s more common perhaps than you might think. I’ll have the article in the show notes.Vital Links:My YouTube Channel! Click here.SelfWork episode on people pleasingAdvertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about this and many other to

Acknowledging emotional abuse can be difficult but it's just as much "abuse" as its physical and sexual counterparts.I received an email recently that again brought to life the emotional cruelty that can be the reality of some children. In fact, his story reminded me of many others I’ve heard – of how someone in authority can be not just manipulative but emotionally abusive. The harm is intentional. The power exerted over that child is meant to demean – to assert complete dominance.One of the hardest things about being a therapist is hearing the stories of what parents do to their children. Their stories stay in your mind and your heart, with images popping into your awareness when triggered by something you see on social media or in a movie. Because you know this stuff is real – what can go on “behind closed doors” as they say can be horrific.So today on SelfWork, we’re talking about emotional abuse and the damage it causes. I’m going to ask that if you have severe trauma in your background, that

In this episode we learn exactly how couples therapy began.When you’re called “the couple from hell” by your own therapist, that’s something to think about. But Harville Hendrix and his wife of several decades, Helen Hunt, took that all in stride. They're the authors of the book “Getting the Love You Want” which sold millions of copies and put them, when it was published in 1988, on the top of the world of relational or couples therapy.In this intriguing interview, they talk about how working through their own conflict led them to defining the stages that they’re now famous for identifying. And what’s even more refreshing – Harville especially gives credit to his own couples for coming up with the language to ask for what you want. Then Harville took their words and transformed them into concepts like mirroring, validation, and showing empathy, which were new to the field, as most clinicians had only been trained in individual psychotherapy. And at the time, couples work was mostly parallel psychotherapy.

Today we’re going to talk about how to manage your emotions. Sometimes you might feel as though you can’t feel anything, other times that you feel too much and your emotions are leading you to the choices you’re making. Or you can feel that you’re stuck in a feeling – or you’re portraying an emotion to others that perhaps you don’t recognize or mean to (usually a case of ‘how’ you’re saying something than ‘what’ you’re saying). I found the work of Eric Barker, a best-selling author (his last book “Plays Well with Others,” released by HarperCollins in May of 2022), who writes about how to manage your emotions. He offers four steps: Realize, Recognize, Refine, and Reframe to Regulate. Our listener voicemail is from young woman, 20, who says she lives in an ethnic household, and after reading an article I wrote about borderline personality disorder – that she sees her mother as suffering with BPD. I’ll include the article in the show notes so that you can read it as well – and you might find yourself in the same

Today I'm answering your questions about depression, therapy, and manipulative moms.So, it's a grab bag of topics! Whether you're a SelfWork listener or you've read something I've written... somehow my work has reached you. And I love getting your questions!More specifically, we'll discuss what's called anhedonia in depression, or losing the enjoyment or meaning in activities that you've always enjoyed. We'll also touch on entering therapy for the first time or with a second therapist, how parents can manipulate and the impact it has on their adult children's lives, and the difference between guilt and shame.Vital Links:The SelfWork Episode with Terry McGuireThe SelfWork Episode About Enmeshment Between Moms and ChildrenAdvertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website

This special episode of SelfWork will guide you to step into your inner power as we talk with author and personal branding expert... Jessica Zweig.I usually don’t have spiritual authors or leaders on SelfWork – not because I don’t believe in the importance of spirituality – but I’ve always kept my own spiritual beliefs more private from my work.This time, Ashley Stahl - who not only has been on SelfWork as a guest, but has hosted for me – introduced me to our guest today. So I got very interested! And I’m delighted I read this book and met this woman.Her name? Jessica Zweig. And her new book is The Light Work: Reclaim Your Feminine Power, Live Your Cosmic Truth and Illuminate the World.How Jessica stepped into her inner power: "I’ve spent the last 9+ years helping industry giants (hello Google and Pinterest!) discover their superpowers and harness magnetic personal brands at my award-winning agency SimplyBe.But I’ll let you in on a secret — behind the scenes, I was broken.Completely and utterly burned out

Do you know what hormonal replacement therapy is?Today's SelfWork guest is Donna White, an expert in bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. She's the recent author of "Hormone Makeover" and has also built an academy, The Bio-Identical Replacement Therapy Academy, that trains medical practitioners from all over the world about effective hormone replacement. Whether you're man or woman, in perimenopause, menopause, or post-menopause, she's got information that will help you out!Menopause can often bring depressive symptoms with it. Getting your hormones checked by a reliable practitioner or pharmacy is vital!I very much enjoyed Donna's drive and her wide range of knowledge. I've found myself quoting her and her book in the last few weeks since I interviewed her.Vital Links: Dr. Margaret's YouTube videos on perfectly hidden depression!Advertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about thi

Today we’re going to talk all about blame.If you're one of the people who blame easily, if you find fault with everyone but yourself, then that's a huge problem. Or if you're in a relationship with someone who rarely if ever takes responsibility, they could be suffering with one of the Cluster B personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissism.Sadly, finding blame leads you to view life as if you’re a victim of injustice, or you're not appreciated. And justifying being angry - and staying angry - because of it.Today, we'll focus on how blame can protect you, how it can reduce you, and what you can do about it.Our listener email for today is from someone who listened to the recent podcast on grieving a parent, telling us how it affected her – so much so that she’s acting on the ideas within the episode.Vital Links: The Harley Therapy article about blameAdvertisers Link:Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!