Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Today we’re going to focus on the feeling that you're not important - a feeling likely created by how you were parented.How does this happen? Your parents' careers came first. The parents themselves came first for one another, only caring for the child as a secondhand and almost bothersome activity. Your being wasn’t celebrated – instead what you could achieve got some notice, as long as you continued to be successful. Your parent was overly self-involved because of their own trauma or mental illness – and never was it explained to you what was truly going on – so you believed you weren’t enough.At its worst, the dynamic of not feeling that you're important is rejection. At the best, it can feel like conditional love. And in between, the now adult child could feel a deep sense of emptiness and insecurity that they may seek to fill up in a myriad of ways.Our listener voicemail is a shocking reminder of what can happen when a parent doesn’t guide a child (no matter how old) to separate from them – t

Today on SelfWork, we’re focusing on self-doubt and how to grow from failure. Or what you’re calling failure.But labeling something as a failure can be used in several different ways , can’t it? It can be motivating, or it can stop you in your tracks. It can cause tremendous embarrassment, even shame, or you can use it to grow. What you tell yourself about failure has such a strong impact on whether it leads you into depression, even apathy, or whether you take that failure in stride and integrate it – make it a part of your learning and keeping on keeping on.The power of self-doubt or what you tell yourself about failure is very important to whether you let those failures define you and cause you extreme self-doubt and paralysis. Or whether you accept failure – but not define yourself by it.The listener voicemail for today is asking about a topic that I’ve already begun as another episode! So, I’m doing some research on it as we speak. But his questions were so good – and I’m pretty sure there are many of yo

One of the hardest tasks we take on as humans is raising children.Many of us do a pretty good job of raising children. But many of us don't. Sadly, our kids are often left to become adults themselves and bear the scars of our anger, our addictions, or our neglect. And if they don't do something differently than we did, they can perpetuate the problem.Raising children poorly can then be passed on. It's called transgenerational trauma. And it's very real.Hunter Clarke-Fields didn't want to do that. And she tells us how she recognized that her anger with her children was something she needed to change, and how mindfulness and meditation helped her do that.Now she wants to help you learn what's been so healing for her. Hunter is the host of the Mindful Mama Podcast, number #1 bestselling author of Raising Good Humans and her newest, Raising Good Humans Every Day, and creator of the Mindful Parenting Course. She has over 20 years of experience in meditation and has taught mindful parenting

There are many lessons learned about grief through my work in the last 34 years of being a therapist. And today, I want to share them with you in this 439th episode of SelfWork.Some common questions that I'll cover are:Is it ever “too late” to grieve?Does your grief mean that your faith isn’t strong enough or that you are failing?Is there a right way to grieve?Is there a right way to respond to someone’s grief?Do you ever get over grief?What’s the relationship between grief and shame?As I often say, I feel as if I’m a conduit – a bridge – between people I’ve seen in the past and those that walk in my office today. I can try to help these present-day clients with lessons learned about grief from those seen in the past.The listener voicemail is from a mom whose daughter is living with a man whose own mother seems to be trying to control him so that he’ll remain in the home with her – to take care of her etc. It sounds complicated for sure.Advertisers Links:Midi Health is a women's clinic, designed speci

Are you working toward success?My guest on SelfWork today is a career expert - Laura Gassner Otting - I've already been influenced by her new book WonderHell in quite a wonderful way!Laura’s secret superpower is seeing your greatness and reflecting it back on you, so that you can get “unstuck” — and achieve extraordinary results. A regular contributor to Good Morning America, the TODAY Show, Harvard Business Review, and Oprah Daily, Laura is the Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author of three books, Wonderhell, Limitless, and Mission-Driven. I felt that power from the moment I began reading and I've found myself musing over small nuggets of her encouraging words well after I'd finished.When you desire and then achieve success, there are surprising and challenging things that come along with it - but this book can help you work through those things (like fear...) when they very naturally emerge.Advertisers Links:Find out what your "true age" is! Go to https://trudiagnostic.com/selfwork to s

Today we're going to talk about the fairly sticky subject of the difference between expectations, demands, and boundaries. In this "second time around" episode, Christine Mathias, Dr. Margaret's communication manager, lets us in to how her younger self struggled with setting good boundaries - and why this particular episode meant a lot to her.So, what is the difference between expectations, demands and boundaries?Here are some questions to ask yourself.What do you do when you feel disappointed by others? Do you isolate or judge? Do you get mad or sulk? Could it be that your very expectations are the problem? Is it different to voice your expectations than it is to secretly have them? Or is that playing a game that the other person doesn’t know you’re playing? And how do boundaries fit in here?The listener email for today is from a young 21 year-old who feels tremendous loyalty to her family and feels “needed” by them. But she also feels very stuck and admits she can hold onto a victim mentalit

Today on SelfWork, the focus is on how to work through disappointment.John Crowley, my friend and incredible production engineer, chose this episode as one of his "second time around" favorites to present to you in my absence. My immense gratitude to him for taking the wheel!What are the seven steps to work through disappointment? Here they are!Grieve first.Start getting perspective right off the bat.Consider and acknowledge what your own part was or is in creating the disappointment. That's utilizing your internal locus control.Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring you pleasure. And those dopamine receptors will love that.Look for the windows that are opening as that door closes. Again, you might need friends to do that.Reassess your disappointment. Take time in the next two or three months or even six months to look back and say, “All right, how do I perceive that disappointment

How are you supposed to live a normal life when "home" was chaos? That's the topic of today's SelfWork. and it's triggered by a very frank email from a listener whose kept his chaos secret for many years.We can tend to keep secret the fact that home was chaos – you can fear being judged for it, even though you didn’t cause it. Please heed a trigger warning; the story is hard to hear. And if there was significant trauma in your own childhood, then please listen carefully.You'll also listen to a voicemail that was sent to me years ago now but a woman who’d tried to talk with her therapist about her identifying with perfectly hidden depression. And her therapist argued with her – saying there was no way she fit criteria for depression. It’s a stunning problem to have… when your therapist’s lens doesn’t allow them to see what you’re trying to say to them. And it’s a special problem with perfectly hidden depression.Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting h

Today we're going to focus on how to find community and belonging by finding or creating a "third space." What's that?Many of you don’t remember the 1983 hit show Cheers. It was about a local Boston bar run by a recovering alcoholic who was still very much a playboy. The bar was peopled by everyone from a grandiose psychiatrist, a retired coach, a rather superior-feeling grad student, a mailman, and well... who knew what Norm did! . Characters fell in lust, in love, and out of love. But the strong message from the show was that everyone needed a place of acceptance and belonging - hence the lyrics of the Cheers theme song."Sometimes you wanna goWhere everybody knows your nameAnd they're always glad you cameYou wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)You wanna be where everybody knows your name"But that was 1983. A lot has changed – a lot. But today we’re going to focus on our remaining need as humans to have a sense of belonging and community - and to

Why is it so hard to treat eating disorders? We're going to find out today in this interview with Johanna Kandel, founder and director of the National Alliance for Eating Disorders.Kandel brings her own successful recovery from anorexia and bulimia to this interview whose message is that full recovery is possible. She's the author of book "Life Beyond Your Eating Disorder, but in her establishment of a thriving clinician-led service organization, she stresses that you can free yourself from identifying with the disorder - and then become it. Eating disorders can far too easily become who you are.Kandel seeks to empower readers by sharing her own past—how her youthful perfectionism and aspirations to become a ballerina fueled her need to control and numb her emotions, which stoked her disorder. She also offers practical advice: “My eating disorder gave me carte blanche not to have to do things that scared me: I didn’t have to feel . . . Basically, it protected me . . . from life.”I loved this conve

Today the focus is on doctors and depression, with Dr. Pamela Buchanan as my guest, in a second episode in the "Careers That Kill" series, discussing medical providers, the pandemic, and depression.  She's a board-certified physician, speaker and thought leader dedicated to transforming healthcare and championing mental well-being. She’s a TEDx speaker known for her powerful talk on “Emotional Flatline,” which explores the emotional toll of the high-stress ER during the pandemic, and the struggle doctors have with depression. As the author of The Oxygen Mask Principle, Dr. Buchanan teaches self-care as a revolutionary act for working mothers, healthcare professionals, and high achievers. She's also currently an ambassador with the Lorna Breen foundation that has a focus prevent physician suicide. Recently, she's taken a strong stance that she, as a Black physician, has to prove herself over and over - which is not only unjust, but adds intense pressure to her every day. Still, she's pa

What is optimism fatigue? Is it a new a kind of depression?In this episode of SelfWork, I’m thinking aloud a bit with you … if what we’re experiencing is a new kind of depression – one that’s mixed in with anxiety and fatigue. What’s it called? Optimism fatigue. It may not be diagnosable, but as I’ve considered my own situation, I realize that I’m having to dig a little deeper to find comfort that I can offer to others. It’s not that I can’t find it. But it’s harder. There’s a big difference between false enthusiasm and true optimism or hope. And I’ll hope that what I’ve learned from research and then, adding in my own two bits, will guide you in your own quest for emotional balance – and even optimism.The listener email for today is from a young woman who’s despairing about the emotional abuse she’s received from several partners – yet yearns to create a family with children. I told her that I’d be using her question today so hopefully she’s listening – I’ll do my best to give her, and you, some helpful idea

What was your "job" in your family?Most of us love to take tests like the Enneagram or the Myers/Briggs to find out what the test might have to say about our personality style or our strengths and vulnerabilities. But something you might also gravitate to – in thinking about what’s called your family of origin – or the family you grew up in – is talking about the roles each of the children played in the family - or what was your "job" in your family. The six most commonly agreed upon roles are called Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot, Caretaker/Enabler and Golden Child – and we’ll go through all of these in detail!So today we’re going talk about the role you played in your family and maybe even the role you’re STILL playing in your family. And… as always… what can you do about it if you’re not profiting from it in a healthy way.The listener voicemail is from a young woman who recognizes her role as “the golden child” in her family – as the one who can make no mistakes in a parent’s eyes. And

What are seven good reasons to stop therapy? That's the focus of this week's SelfWork!It’s often a very moving moment when you leave therapy. Here’s someone that you’ve trusted and confided in for weeks or months – or sometimes even years. And it’s time to walk out of their office and do without that resource. As I like to say, it’s my job to do myself out of a job. And I celebrate with people I’ve worked with when they leave to hopefully use the skills learned, and enjoy the feelings of having worked through whatever pain or trauma had been plaguing them.But there are other good reasons to stop therapy - and we'll talk about seven of them.Our listener voicemail this week is a bit different; the topic is how to handle your feelings if you’re a caregiver, but the person you’re caring for led a life of self-neglect, which inevitably led to the illness they have now.Vital Links:Cathy Sikorski's SelfWork episodeAdvertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting help? BetterH

The focus today is on what I call "the shame and self-blame game."One listener told me recently that she wondered for a long time - “Did I allow my abuse?” How many of you feel to blame for your own abuse? And does that very shame and self-blame make it even more important to keep what happened secret? You bet it can. It’s this irrational shame we’re going to tackle. Because you’re looking back on what happened with the eyes of an adult - not through the eyes of the child you were. And that's a very vital distinction.Our listener voicemail asks a simple question: How can I help my daughter who fits your description of perfectly hidden depression to a tee? I’m so scared for her. It’s a great question because it’s respecting or sensing how difficult it might be for your loved one to look at themselves with compassion.Vital Links: SelfWork Episode: Learning how to feel and release difficult emotions –Check out my YouTube channel !Good Will Hunting YouTube clipAdvertiser's Link:Click HERE for the

We’re talking about sexual abuse today – to be more specific, the horrors of marital rape. Please if you have any kind of history of abuse which many of you I’m sure do – please listen cautiously as the facts of the case could be highly triggering for you. For international abuse hotlines please click here.You may have heard about the French woman, Gisèle Pelicot, who was the victim of multiple rapes – by multiple men including her husband – while drugged. This occurred over several years. All men were found guilty.I know many men who voice their horrors of marital rape, or any sexual violence. And I’ve worked with male victims of sexual abuse. Yet women live with fear every day – that the simplest of choices, like turning on a light when you get into your apartment or making a choice to jog a different way home – as now, if someone was watching you, they’d know where you live or they’d get you alone. The fear is constant for girls and women, and often occurs in marriage and families.Our listener voicemail is

You Only Die Once, written by positive psychologist Jodi Wellman, has this very important message - being aware of your last moment can help you live this one more fully.She's a devout believer in not wasting the time you have, not spending this moment in dread or apathy. Statistically speaking, we're given four thousand Mondays in our lifetime to live. So savoring those moments, realizing that every minute of every day holds meaning, is vital to your happiness.Both in her book, You Only Die Once, and her TEDxtalk, she uses her quirky humor and very welcome common sense to urge each one of us to live more deeply and die with no regret.Advertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, th

 Today we’re going to talk about loneliness – and how one article I read drew some conclusions about it that made a lot of sense to me. One major point – we can’t or shouldn’t harken back to older times and think we need to create those now. That’s not the answer. Cell phones, virtual meetings or classes, working from home, pandemic hangover – none of that is going to go away. We’re not suddenly going to help a neighbor raise a barn or birth a baby. So we’ve got to understand there’s no going back and instead look forward to new ideas and solutions to address thie epidemic of loneliness. .So, what is that solution? I’ll put in my two bits per normal here on SelfWork. And it has to do with not believing your thoughts but realizing that they may be painting a reality that’s simply not true.Our voicemail today is from a listener in Australia – although her home is the US – and she describes going through a hard time – feeling alone – and how one of my podcasts on the good enough parent was helpful to her.Vital L

We're announcing a new CBT app, the Feeling Great App! ! It's founded by one of the forefathers of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, David Burns MD. He's a renowned psychiatrist, and as we learn in this episode, a doctor who fought the odds to create a technique to treat depression that actually worked.Dr. Burns is the best-selling author of the books Feeling Good and Feeling Great, which have sold over 7 million combined copies worldwide. Users of the Feeling Great App, have reported a reduction in depressive feelings, on average, a whopping 55%, with similar reductions in anger, loneliness, and other difficult emotions.Advertiser's Link and Special Offer:Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join m

What are the gifts of saying no?The word that’s often used to talk about this is ‘boundary.’ Do you have trouble saying no? Or can you identify the how, when, where, and why to say no? Or put another way, when to say yes? We’ll focus on how much of your decision-making is affected by depression or anxiety, or even personality disorders that have a huge bearing on how you decide to say no.Our voicemail today is from a young woman whose mother is highly volatile at home – but who can be quite loving and wonderful at other times. She’d read my article on borderline mothers, and it strongly resonated with her – I’m sure some of you can also relate. It’s a very confusing family dynamic but one that’s more common perhaps than you might think. I’ll have the article in the show notes.Vital Links:My YouTube Channel! Click here.SelfWork episode on people pleasingAdvertiser's Link:Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!You can hear more about this and many other to