Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

I have such a fantastic production team in Christine Mathias, my communications manager, and John Crowley, my audio engineer. And so I want to thank them for pulling the next two episodes off for me while I'm on vacation with my family! This was Christine's choice as one of her favorites, and she introduces this week's episode in this "second time around" listen. The focus is on how to interview a potential therapist, a task which stop SO many people from even trying therapy. I agree with her about how important this info is. So I hope - actually we hope - it's great info for you. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpostarticles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought whatever happened to cause your shame was somehow your 'fault.' Advertisers' Links: Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with

Trigger Warning: We're talking about sibling sexual abuse in this episode. The links for sexual abuse hotlines are below. I’ve had so many guest interviews on SelfWork – really wonderful researchers and authors, therapists and thinkers. But there’s something very special about someone coming forth to share their message when they’ve learned something the hard way – and they want to help others either through what they went through or to avoid it in the first place. Jane Epstein is this kind of person. She tells her story in this episode about how her life was dramatically impacted by her brother sexually abusing her. It took her years to put the pieces of the puzzle together, making connections between past and present that were difficult and painful to make – but also were freeing. Many of you who are listening may have experienced something similar – and have tried, as Jane did for many years – to sweep it under the rug. A stepsister or stepbrother, an older sibling – and you’ve blamed yourself. Or felt

Hello my friends! This September (2023) we're giving away two(2) copies of a little book Christine Mathias and I worked on called Marriage Is Not For Chickens. A post by the same name, when it appeared in HuffPost, earned over 200,000 views and over 50,000 shares... Wow! (Of course, I didn't get a call to be on a morning talk show... lolol) This book may take you two minutes to read because it's meant to be a gift for someone who's getting married or deciding to commit to a relationship - or maybe to someone who's having an anniversary. The photos that fit all 24 statements of "what marriage is" and "what marriage is not" were either taken by Christine or my old high school friend Deborah Strauss. The images are breath-taking, poignant, evocative, or simply "right." We're very proud of it - and hope it will give you and yours joy. So, all you have to do is leave a written review on the SelfWork page on Apple Podcasts to be included in the drawing! But I realized

We certainly have had – and the world has had – our fair share of reasons to grieve. Wherever you live, you felt the fear and loss of the pandemic. Add on to that, the impact of hurricanes, tornados, drought, fires, floods,  war, racism, political unrest, violence… we’ve got it all - some countries more than others. But these events are also a backdrop for whatever happens in our personal lives – people who we’ve loved dying, losing a job, having to move or even to escape from where you’ve lived, developing a severe mental or physical illness or one that’s chronically debilitating, being abused… The list goes on and on. And we need to grieve. Yet, one of the ironies  is that the model we’ve been taught – in a very “this is how you should be grieving” kind of way – was created to help us understand what the person dying might feel and wasn't created to describe the grief of people who are alive and grieving loss. What’s grief really like? How do the stages that Kübler-Ross help? How do they hurt? What are

I was shocked to see this past week that I'd never done an episode on the four most well-researched communication patterns that can predict a couple will divorce or end their relationship.  And I talk about them in couples therapy all the time! These four have been written about extensively by the well-known pair of researchers John and Julie Gottman – and I think their work is right on target, given what I sadly see on a regular basis in my office. And I’ll offer the most recent ways these four distinct behaviors can appear in the modern partnership. Sadly, if you or your partner don’t see these things as problems, then that is a tremendous issue. But if you’re not aware of the danger of these, then you may not know the quicksand your relationship is in – and sinking fast. The listener voicemail is from someone who was taught that everything in her life had to appear “perfect” – even saying that if someone comes over for dinner, there need to be five courses and the house has got to be spotless. That is

I’ve long been one to say to someone who’s paralyzed about the direction they see their lives going in or goals they want to achieve – experiences they want to have – to say, “Why not “and?” After they look at me kinda funny, I’ll explain. “Why can’t you be a plumber and a painter? A mother and an ad exec? That’s what this week's SelfWork guest has accomplished. She’s an internal medicine doctor and she’s a comic. A stand-up comic at that. Named by Refinery29 as one of the 50 Female Stand-Up Comedians You Need To Know", Priyanka Wali is a stand-up comic who also believes strongly in mind/body connection and the importance of fear in true transformation. I think you'll love this conversation! She's also the co-host of HypochondriActor with Sean Hayes (yes the guy from Will and Grace…). I know you'll enjoy talking about her story and how you might use it as motivation for your own! After all, why can’t life be an “and?” Advertisers' Links: We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Break

When I received an email about this new book, I knew I wanted to talk with its author. The book? The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control. The author? Katherine Morgan Schafler, a psychotherapist and former on-site therapist at Google. She's worked with many high-achieving women who are told they need to find "balance" - as if they're doing something wrong! Katherine tells us instead that what's important is to learn about the five different types of constructive perfectionism so that it can work for you! As she says, "You can dare to want more without feeling greedy or ungrateful!" She's an eloquent writer and speaker and it was wonderful having her on SelfWork as she helps these women exchange superficial control for real power.  Hope you'll listen in and learn! Advertisers' Links: Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Vital Links: The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A

During my research on last week's episode on post partum, I learned that my own state of Arkansas holds the #1 spot in the US for maternal mortality rates. I'm interviewing Dr. Zenobia Harris today, whose accolades in this field are numerous to try to understand what's not happening in Arkansas that needs to happen - and what states are doing it right and how. Dr. Harris heads up the Arkansas Birthing Project, and is an incredible force and national advocate for health equity and for improvements to family, child, and maternal health. The program as well as the national organization Every Mother Counts is reaching out to minority women and their families, who are much more likely to suffer severe medical problems both during and after pregnancy. Thanks as always to MagBreakthrough for their sponsorship of this episode! Advertisers' Link: We welcome back BiOptimizers and Magnesium Breakthrough as a returning sponsor to SelfWork and they have a new offer! Just click here! Make sure you use the

There are many times that work with my own clients sparks a podcast episode – and this time, I needed to look at what had been discussed in the literature since I saw my last client with postpartum depression. Because I had another – and her depression was severe. The moms I’ve seen with PPD have all been different. Some highly anxious but unable to function due to that anxiety along with a bad depression. Some who had histories of depression and some who didn’t. Some who had had previous children with no problem and some who’d prepared for PPD since they’d experienced it before. And some who were almost dissociative – meaning that they were going through the motions of motherhood but felt very little about it. They “loved” their baby but having one seemed unreal – as if it hadn’t happened. So today we’re going to get the facts out about postpartum depression and of course, what you can do about it. Our listener voicemail is from a woman whose mom was an alcoholic and got sober, but who also appears to have b

I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings today of Becky Blades – she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she’s basically run from the board room to the home room, she’s an artist herself, and she’s an inspiring and highly creative author of two books; Her first book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone, Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening, which she wrote and illustrated, was named a Best Books of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. It received the prestigious Kirkus Starred Review and was an Amazon best seller for six consecutive years. Now she’s written another wonderfully illustrated book (her own drawings and illustrations) entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I wanted it to be a real fresh-er-up-er for those of you wilting in the heat of the summer or fending off one more winter storm – dependent on your hemisphere. And the Next Big Idea Club  has selected it as one of  “the most essential nonfiction books

Today we’re going to focus on high-functioning depression. What is it? What’s it not? Is it dangerous or is it not? And what does that mean anyway, ‘’high-functioning” depression"? It’s still depression, isn’t it? It’s the newer term for what’s “properly” called Persistent Depressive Disorder, which used to be called before that, Dysthymia. Maybe it’s a little sexier to call it ‘high-functioning depression” or “smiling depression.” But here’s my thought: if more people react to one label better than they do others, more power to that label. I don’t particularly care what we call it – and if more people can say, “Oh yeah, that’s me,” and recognize its validity or presence, then I’m all for it. Let’s make sure we all understand that I can’t think of any mental illness or disorder that’s not on a spectrum. You have depression. How you cope with it is based on myriad of factors. And there are millions of people who are coping every day around the world. I hope you'll benefit from listening and sharing thi

I wasn’t feeling so hot yesterday so took a time-out day and watched "Shrinking", the Apple TV series that has a superb cast and follows the lives of three therapists and their friends and families. It’s full of expletives, especially the f bomb. Which is fine by me but there’s wasn’t one person in the cast who didn’t explore its complete usage… It’s also very moving. And I was relieved to see that except for some entertaining but weirdly unethical behavior, the therapists are painted as caring and trying hard to help. But also having HUGE struggles in their own lives. I get it. There have been times when my struggles have been larger than others. And yet it’s still my job to be there for my clients – the way they’ve come to expect me being there.  Because I’m a shrink. So, I thought today we could talk about what those expectations – at least the basic ones – the stuff that both behind the scenes and front and center can be the building blocks of trust and safety in therapy.  an episode on creating e

When I was contacted by Paulina Siegel about being on her podcast, Shit Talking Shrinks, I was intrigued. She and her friend and colleague Victoria Aron are in Season Two of an hilarious, fresh challenge to the stereotype of the "therapist" - someone who's emotionally calm and somehow "above it all." So this is an expletive-filled SelfWork episode today - because guess what? Therapists can use colorful language as well! Yes, we offer our expertise in creating an emotionally safe space for you to risk your own healing and growth. But the old "immutable" therapist - the one who rarely interjects their own personality - is an identity that both these therapists challenge. And they do it with laughter and fun, intelligence and caring. I've long been "myself" as a therapist. I don't suddenly don some cloak as soon as a patient comes through the door. The unique nature of the therapeutic relationship lies in the focus on the issues of one person, the client. And yet, to g

Increasingly, I’ve noticed a trend in how people are describing “having fun” – and so much of that time, what they’re doing is scrolling thru TikTok or Instagram – Reddit  or Quora – or any online communications app. Even people who are actively struggling with depression will tell me how the major way they “distract” themselves is through focusing on what they can find on their screens.  This... despite all kind of studies showing that the more you interact or are “on” your phone, the more depressed you can become. I’m not advocating that anyone get rid of their phone. But… I do think that a way out of depression is finding tiny bits of fun. I found a “fun” expert – science journalist and TED speaker, Catherine Davis..  We’ll talk about her work and research – and use it to wonder together about how you might be experiencing depression and still be able to find “fun.” On a much different note. the voicemail today is from a woman who’d told her husband she was leaving him due to his narcissistic behaviors ove

Today I’m offering something different for you. No commercials. Just me and you talking. I’ve said before on SelfWork that I’ve seen so many people become paralyzed in their decision -making about what course or direction they should follow. Hopefully, through my own story of discovering my own potential, you’ll get a taste of what I’ve learned works – which is to simply “go.” Go in a direction – any direction that puts itself in front of you. At least that’s healthy and productive. Learn from that. And keep going. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up from disappointments. But you learn every time. And you'll hear at the end my own exciting announcement of my TEDxBocaRaton talk now being available on YouTube! I'll hope you can watch! Vital Links:  Here's the link to my TEDx talk! Just click here! Episode Transcript This is SelfWork, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford. At SelfWork, we'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm

I wouldn’t wish borderline personality disorder on anyone – it’s a truly difficult and chaotic way to live life. Yet it’s just as difficult to be in relationship with someone who lives their life on an emotional roller coaster. Today we’re going to focus on how you can set boundaries with folks who have borderline traits (I’ll also go over the traits themselves). We’ll focus specifically on having a parent with borderline PD – but these suggestions could also help if your friend or cousin or sibling suffers from the disorder. I’m pulling from some extremely well-written articles as well as my own experience with patients – and those links you’ll be able to find in the show notes.. The listener voicemail is tough to listen to and involves murder – so please realize this may be a trigger for you. It’s from a woman who’s deeply grieving her daughter’s actions as well as the deaths of grandchildren - and blames herself – or feels guilt – for not knowing how to help. I’ll do my best to answer… Vital Links: Click H

There are some people who can take the most difficult situations and find the humor in them. Cathy Sikorski is one of those people. I met her several years ago at a midlife bloggers association meeting and became an instant admirer. She's written a blog for years dedicated to examining the hard and hilarious life of caregiving, which she's done herself for the last twenty years. In addition to that, she's a practicing  dealing largely in Elder Law and in today's episode, has all kinds of personal and professional/legal advice to pass on to you. She’s the author of several books, the first being “Showering with Nana."  Today we’re going to discuss two more that outline very eloquently how to talk to your loved ones about their end of life plans – or what needs to happen when dementia is in the picture: Who Moved My Teeth and Twelve Conversations: How to Talk to Almost Anyone about Long-Term Care Planning. Not the most “fun” conversation to have – but vital ones. Our Advertisers Links!  Cl

This interview focuses on suicide prevention so please listen carefully. Here are the international suicide prevention crisis numbers (USA is not 988). I want to read you the first part of the email I sent to our guest today for SelfWork. "Katrina good morning. I’m the host of The SelfWork Podcast and I just saw the CBS Sunday Morning interview about your mom, the way she died, and your actions since it happened. Let me say I’m so sorry about the struggles your mom had all her life and how her bipolar disorder could take her in such destructive directions, ending in her suicide." "I’d love to interview you for SelfWork. I very much admire what you’re doing and think it’s such a brilliant way of working through the complete mess that gun control conversations can create. It’s positive. Proactive. And I know many of my own clients would’ve signed up." Who is Katrina Brees? She’s a grieving daughter turned activitist. And I think she’s come up with a brilliant way of bridging the debate over gun

There are a lot of mental illnesses that are characterized by intense emotion which then governs behavior, such as in bipolar disorder, major depression, or several personality disorders. But even it it’s a pattern, and not an actual mental illness, it may mean that you don’t have the skill to regulate your emotions – to have control over them instead of them over you. What does this look like? You get angry at a friend and you text them impulsively about your feelings instead of taking a minute to cool down. You get dumped by someone you're dating and you immediately head to the nearest bar or pub to work on getting picked up. That’s what we’re going to focus on today. How do you learn to more self-control emotionally or how to “self-regulate” those emotions?  We’ll also talk about when intense control over emotions is highly self-protective. The listener email follows this subject line as well, but is more about the listener’s recognition and identification with perfectly hidden depression. But they put

Today is an episode filled with your questions and my answers – one of my favorite things to do here on SelfWork! So today the topics are enmeshment, the difference between playing a role in someone’s life and having a relationship, and five ways to deal with defensiveness when you’re trying to have a conversation with a parent about the past. Great topics and questions! And I’m sure many of you can more than relate! Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! SelfWork podcast on seven ways to move out of enmeshment Post on seven ways out of enmeshment You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published