Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all! So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness. I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.” What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his

  I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life." I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d c

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized. When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” No

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself. Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive. But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions. Vital Links:  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! SelfWork post on enmeshm

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread. Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic" New York Times article on Fractured Families Forbes article on parental alienation You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse? We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recen

We’re going to talk about labels today  - and how the mental health world, its science, its leaders, and its language might be influencing us to over-pathologize what’s normal. Meaning that you can come to believe something is sick or wrong or abnormal when actually it IS normal when it’s understood in its own context. But another fact may be even more disconcerting. You can base your decisions about what you “call” something by the knowledge or experience or reasoning you have at hand. And that language might be misleading or limited Our listener voicemail is different today and I was eager to see what I could find to answer her question. She asks if something like a name change after trauma could help with building a sense of confidence? I think that’s a great question – especially fit for SW because it’s all about what you have control over and regaining a sense of empowerment. Vital Links:  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  Click

Samantha Skelly is such a vibrant and fascinating guest! She wrote her book several years ago - Hungry for Happiness: Stop Emotional Eating and Start Loving Yourself. And this is what she says about it: This book is how I turned my mess into my message. The journey of struggling with emotional eating, exercise addition & severe body image issues - within these pages contains the most effective & impactful tools to heal emotional eating for good. You can tell from her words that she's got a great sense of humor and adventure! And now, she's helping people all over the world with breath. That's right - she's teaching people how to breathe - the right way. And here's her own editorial take on that! "If you’re reading this thinking ‘what kind of hippy sh*t is this?’ - you’re not alone, before I tried it, I too thought it was all hype.Then I had an experience that healed me in ways I never knew possible. And that’s my wish for you." I know you'll enjoy her as you come breat

I began this episode thinking I’d talk about ten things I’d learned from being a therapist. But I realized that almost every one of them could be their own podcast episode. Today we’ll focus on the first – not in importance, but the first that came to mind – perhaps connected with the zeitgeist of our time. The need to be right or living being certain that you are. We’ll discuss these questions: Is having the need to be right a bad or a good thing, helpful or hurtful? Is it connected with a mental or emotional condition such as depression or anxiety? How can that belief affect your relationships with others? I’ve done my research and we’ll look at it from various angles – and then, per usual, I’ll add in my two cents. Five Major Takeaways! Being right and needing to be right are two completely different things. You can be right but also be humble. Being wrong is a means of learning. Coming to a conclusion that proves to be wrong or misguided is a means through which you figure out things that will be helpful

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) can get helped yourself. Important Links: Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Are there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from a demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied? The listener email has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do? Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  And... Click this link to order Magnes

Terry McGuire is a former broadcast journalist and voiceover talent who has earned a living with her voice for more than four decades. After experiencing her longest and darkest depression, she decided to use her experience to begin to give voice to depression through beginning the podcast - Giving Voice to Depression. There, she has collected and shared stories of her weekly guest's resilience struggles, provided mental health management tools, and general experiences of depression Her message is clear: she wants listeners to know that they're not alone, that recovery is possible, and the dark thoughts in their minds are symptoms -  and not truths. She's got a lot of titles after her name. She's president of with the non-profit Giving Voice to Mental Illness. During the pandemic, she became a certified peer support specialist. She's on the board of directors of NAMI of Wisconsin, the steering committee of Prevent Suicide Greater Milwaukee, and works as a mental health advocate with the A

Today we’re going to talk about guilt and self-forgiveness. Basically there are two forms of guilt. Healthy guilt – or when you feel remorse for something that you did or said or felt – and maladaptive guilt which is guilt that doesn’t serve any positive rationale, but instead eats you up from the inside. For example, survivor’s guilt, a fairly common kind of guilt, is maladaptive. I’ll also offer my own seven steps to self-forgiveness. For many, especially for those who struggle with depression already, self-forgiveness can be a struggle. Please know this episode may be triggering for those of you who’ve been through a difficult experience and listen with caution and care. Here are those seven steps: You choose or want to do the work of forgiving yourself. That means you don’t wallow in blame, but you also take your share of the responsibility. Look at your past and see if you were constantly blamed (you were the “black sheep”) or if you weren’t guided to take responsibility (you were never in the wrong). E

I’m so delighted to bring you this interview in recognition of Suicide Awareness Month. Why? Erin Gallagher, current interim executive director of This Is My Brave, is going to tell you about the life and suicidal death of her son, Jay. His life was ended after his high school had been alerted there were warning signs – big ones – very alarming ones – and because he didn’t “seem” depressed and denied it, they ignored these signs. They didn’t dig any further than Jay saying, “No I’m not depressed.” Erin has poured herself into learning more about why this school counselor didn’t search further. Why Jay was believed so readily. Our paths met because of my work in perfectly hidden depression. Her discoveries are achingly true: one being that even those who’ve sought therapy don’t report suicidal thoughts – due to fear, stigma, or their own denial that’s being pressured day in and day out by intrusive thoughts of dying that can invade even the most “perfect” seeming of lives. Please listen – but listen with care.

Here’s a special preview of the new season of The Happiness Lab for the YGTG for this month!  You might think you know what it takes to lead a happier life… more money, a better job, or Instagram-worthy vacations. You’re dead wrong. Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos has studied the science of happiness and found that many of us do the exact opposite of what will truly make our lives better. She’ll take you through the latest scientific research and share some surprising and inspiring stories that will change the way you think about happiness. In the preview you’re about to hear, Laurie is joined by the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to talk about a massive public health crisis that has touched nearly all of us at some time or another: loneliness. Loneliness is a far more common and far more serious problem than we think. If we're feeling lonely, what can we do? As you'll hear in this preview, we need to build out our social connections. Hear more fromThe Happiness Lab at https://podcasts.pushkin.fm/th

One of my favorite things to do on SelfWork is to respond to your questions! The first is a reaction to a recent podcast from 19 year-old podcaster Sadie Sutton who was explaining her journey with depression and her parents’ role in it. This listener wanted to know if I was following up with an interview with her parents – a great question actually. But no, that’s not the plan. But I wanted to respond to some of her thoughts as that episode touched a sensitive and vulnerable place in her heart – and maybe it did yours as well. The second email is from someone whose partner has been diagnosed as BPD/bipolar and is looking for some support for herself. And the third from a listener who’s turned to his family for affirmation – and keeps getting ignored or even criticized for it. His question – how do I become my own cheerleader? Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offe

What’s emotional incest? (Please be aware that you could be triggered by this episode if abuse is in your past and I’ll share links to help lines.) It’s not the same as sexual incest – but can certainly cause its own type of damage. It falls within the dynamic of enmeshment but has its own definition and characteristics. Emotional incest is defined as a parent turning to a child to meet their emotional needs instead of having that relationship with an adult.  We’ll talk about how it happens and how it’s so often missed since it can appear as if all is normal, when it's not at all. And as always, we'll focus on what you can do about it. The listener voicemail is from someone who used what she called discipline to parent but her kids have some resentment toward her. We’ll talk about what she could do. Vital Links!!! Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - wit

We can’t believe it! 300 episodes!!! And that’s due to your loyalty and your emails and your messages and your support and your reviews and…. well, you!   Thank you!!! I had a topic in mind for this three hundredth episode of SelfWork. But I realized that what was on my heart and mind was how so many of you don’t think you have the time to deal with whatever depression or anxiety you might be feeling. Well I’m delighted you’re taking this next 25 minutes to listen – as today we talk about what may surprise you – that it doesn’t take as much time as you may think to do your own selfwork – or even to practice how to change your own relationship with time and yourself in the process. It's about acknowledgement. And that takes a minute. Then we have a little something to hopefully add a smile to your day! It's time for another blooper reel! Vital Links!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping

I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they feel free to tell me things because they know I cannot tell anyone else. That’s true of course- unless I believe that there's imminent danger of some kind to them or someone else. But I don’t think of my role as that of secret-keeper. Instead I think of a therapist as offering safety rather than secrecy. Part of the safety is the secrecy – but of course, in abusive or manipulative relationships, secrecy is often used with malintent. So today, we’re going to talk about secrets. Here are the questions we'll answer! What are the most common secrets? Why can some people not keep a secret or why are they a tattletale or a gossip? What’s the difference between secrecy and privacy? Or secrecy and confidentiality? Is it true that when something is kept secret from you, it has no impact on you? What’s the difference between Secrecy and manipulation? And secrecy and abuse? The SpeakPipe voicemail for today is from a woman who revealed childhood sexual abus