Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

On SelfWork, I love to feature people who have used their own experience – and sometimes that experiences involves loss or grief – to live through something that has taught them important lessons. And they want to share that you. Krista St-Germain is that kind of person. I’ll let her tell her story but I think you’ll be surprised at some of how she handled her response. She studied to become a life coach in order to try to learn what she needed to do to work through her grief and began a podcast so that, she, like me, could reach more people who were also widows and moms. She focuses on post-traumatic growth – and she stresses that PTG doesn’t involved romanticizing trauma – somehow trying to convince yourself or others that your trauma is something that you’re supposed to be glad happened. Not at all. But what you do with it is important. Some of her major points: The myth about the grief stages How to avoid the social expectations surrounding grief Her truth about trauma, moving forward, and post-traumatic

A listener left a voicemail for me within the past couple of weeks… in fact, two. Basically she asked, “I have trouble bonding with people and find myself not expecting too much. I’m in a good relationship now with my partner, but how do I get over this issue?  Can you give tips on how to start trusting myself, others and especially my parents?” I want to stress that being able to trust is about connection – about intimacy – and if you struggle with it, then you’ll not experience true connection, but isolation and fear. The good news is, as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” Trigger warning: We’ll be talking about specific examples of abuse. The voicemail for today is from a listener who had severe withdrawal symptoms from being on an antidepressant for year, and asks about how to avoid wit

Today on You Get the Gist, you’re going to get to hear from Wade LIghtheart  Who’s Wade Lightheart? Well, he’s the cofounder of BiOptimizers, who became a new sponsor of SelfWork just last week! But he’s a three-time Canadian national all-natural body building champion, and a former Mr. Universe contestant who trained as a vegan – so he’s a guy that’s doing things differently. I think you’ll find him personable and his message truly vital to hear. Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those w

Today we’re going to focus on how to help your teen with depression through an interview with a  great guest, 19 year-old Sadie Sutton, host of the podcast She Persisted. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13 and by the age of 14, had been hospitalized four times for severe depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Realizing things were going nowhere fast, her parents took her to McLean Hospital, a residential inpatient program. And it was there  - life changed. Why should you listen and share her story? Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24 in the US. 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made attempts. Ohio State football player Harry Miller’s revelations that he attempted suicide, shared his struggles with his coach and got help. He says, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away,” wrote Miller. “It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.” Here are some of the salient points fro

I’m thrilled today to introduce you to a new sponsor of SelfWork! Not only have I used this product for over three years,  but it suddenly dawned on me that I should talk to them about a collaboration! And voilá… here it is. Let me introduce you to Ozark Mountain Medicine’s fantastic CBD products! We’re delving into my SelfWork emailbag again this week – and the questions you’ve brought me will resonate with many of you. I love hearing from all of you – because it gives me a chance to give back to those of you who are listeners in a very specific way. What are those topics? The relationship between self-esteem and lying, what to do with things that are left behind by someone who died (and this listener’s father had died by suicide – so trigger warning here), and last, is there a danger if you take medication for depression that it will numb you to your feelings? Our second sponsor today is Athletic Greens – another product I use daily - and we’ll hear from them later in the broadcast!. Vital Links:  Click thi

If you've listened to SelfWork, or read my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, you know that I've cautioned about doctors and clinicians' overdependence on the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). In this riveting conversation with the author of Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses and activist Sarah Fay, she tells her story of being labeled with six different diagnoses during three decade  of treatment, all accompanied by prescribed medications with, at times, very difficult side effects, and numerous therapy techniques. Until finally, one psychiatrist told her - after the typical 30 minute initial visit - "I don't know what you have." His humility and caution changed her life, and she began looking into exactly what this "DSM" was and learning how subjective mental health diagnoses can be. She's also quick to say that she's developed a healthy respect for mental health providers, as the field is a complex one to

Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.” I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking. Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they're flawed and were absorbed by you as a child. You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse. You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet. You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were. You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.” You were put in charge as a child, did

Today's YGTG (You Get the Gist) is focused on self-help; can you seek out too much help? The answer is yes. Self-help can actually make some people feel inferior and ashamed, rather than better about themselves - especially if you inundate yourself with it, or are almost addicted to seeking out articles and TikTok's and Instagram reels. And... podcasts. Even though I'm one of those people who are trying to offer my experience as a psychologist, I've often suggested to people that they need to stop looking outside of themselves for answers or waiting for just one more piece of information before they act. You can get into analysis paralysis - and time passes, and passes, and passes. And you do nothing - because you're so afraid of making a mistake. So... if it will be helpful - truly helpful - please listen in to the wisdom of Mel Robbins and Mark Manson. But know you and only you can learn to trust yourself. Vital Links: Mel Robbins' five-second rule. Great article by Mark Manson on th

Back when I was busy creating my own emotional chaos,  my therapists used CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) and family systems therapy – both of which were very helpful to me. But today, we’re taking a dive into a therapy I wish had existed then ...  DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Why? Because DBT teaches distinct tools for those whose decision-making is highly governed by their intense emotions. And those tools are not only practical, but practice-able. What I learned when I took that dive was that the tools of DBT are immense! And there are way too many of them for one episode! So, we’re going to focus on one aspect of DBT – the role of distress tolerance - which is one of the four modules of DBT. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’s confused because her husband has told her he no longer has feelings for her -especially sexual feelings – and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll do my best to offer some ideas.. This episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp, consistently rated a

What's one of the most frequent questions I get from SelfWorkers?  What do you do when you care about someone who’s depressed or destructive or anxious or ill and they don’t seem to be able to or even want to help themselves? Maybe from your perspective they’ve given up, are in denial, or are extremely defensive about how they’re living or how their struggles are impacting you, the family, them, their job – their entire life.  Part of many mental and emotional problems – especially those that involve seeming distortions in thinking – are hard to recognize by the person who has those very beliefs or behaviors. Or maybe they don't see their depression – or their impulsivity – or their hypervigilance – as something that could be helped and/or treated. When you're trying to love them, you can feel confusion, helplessness, self-righteousness, anger, sadness, irritation, disappointment – so many emotions. So today, we'll focus on five tips of what to do  – or try to do about it. And a quick hint… so

Trigger Warning: Suicide and Violence You may not know that suicide kills more first responders each year than die in the line of duty. This is one of many things that need to change. This book, Relentless Courage, was written with this fact in mind. It's co-authored by Doc Shauna Springer and Michael Sugrue, formerly a member of an elite Air Force squad and a veteran police officer It was only during his police experience and after that Michael was pummeled by the incessant nightmares and flashbacks of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.  Relentless Courage tells his story so that other first responders can know they are not alone in their mental and emotional struggle. Doc Springer and Michael also want you to know that this story and its powerful message has nothing to do with choosing “sides” - or the belief that you either side with the police or with the protestors. That does not need to be. Instead, there can be compassion for all – so that solutions – ideas for positive change – can emerge from

I’ve long been fascinated by the connections between our minds and our bodies, so much so that I wrote my dissertation (the original research you must complete before they give you a Ph.D.) on pseudoseizures. What are those? They look like actual seizures -  which are bursts of uncontrolled electrical activity between neurons that can cause all kinds of movements and abnormalities in muscle tone, sensations, or states of awareness. But they’re not.  Pseudoseizures are seizure-like activity that’s apparently caused by emotional/psychological factors. So today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders -  but what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy. The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how t

What risks do you run when you follow a quest for popularity or even celebrity? Envy is right at the top of the list, and today I'll offer 8 different signs that your need for external validation is running too high, and 6 more that reflect that envy has taken hold of your mind and heart. Envy is defined as believing yourself to be worthy of what you perceive others getting and your behavior then can become governed by that poisonous belief. We'll talk about the need for all of us to have a balance between what validation we receive externally with what we're able to give ourselves internally - and when those are out of balance, what you can do about it! Then the third thing we’ll focus on is celebrity. Does being well known have a downside? Here’s what Tim Ferriss, whose podcast has been downloaded 700 M times, has to say about the fame he’s achieved, like it or not.  "If you suddenly had 100,000 or 1,000,000 or 10,000,000 more followers, what might happen? I thought I knew, and I was naive&#

I use all kinds of stories and metaphors in therapy  to help people actually remember a point. I’m not sure when I started doing it, but there’s something about a story or a picture that cements or anchors an idea in your mind. Just think about in Forrest Gump, the famous “Life is like a box of chocolates” and you’ll understand. So today, I want to read you a poem that I use all the time in therapy. The author, Portia Nelson was an American popular singer, songwriter, actress, and author. In 1965, she portrayed the cantankerous Sister Berthe in the film version of The Sound of Music,and on TV's All My Children Nelson played the long-running role of nanny Mrs. Gurney. Her book of poetic musings, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery, became a mainstay of twelve-step programs. Here's Portia's poem that can act as an anchor for you! “I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever t

If you like SelfWork because we talk about "what you can do about it," this interview will be incredibly helpful to you! As a therapist who focuses a lot on how to move from negative, destructive thinking to much more positive, motivating self-talk - I've learned that HOW you talk to yourself highly influences what you actually do. I've asked people who are fighting viciously with one another to imagine what they want their relationship to look like in five years - and all of a sudden, their communication improves or is less vitriolic. In order to distance from pain, someone will move from saying "I feel..," into referring to themselves in second tense. "When something like this happens, you feel...". It's good emotional management. It turns out these "techniques" have names or labels! Ethan Kross is a highly respected researcher from the University of Michigan - and his new book Chatter; The Voice In Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It identifies, veri

Trigger Warning: References to Suicide (International Suicide Prevention Resources) After the shootings in New York, California and Texas within the last couple of weeks, I'm preparing an episode concerning mental health issues that may play a part in violent crime, but also - and very clearly - where they do not play a part. Hatred can be taught. Absorbed. It's very different than true mental illness. But that research will take a bit. So, this episode highlights the email questions that you’ve sent to me – and my responses. The questions are diverse, as well as challenging. The first is from a man who identifies with perfectly hidden depression but cannot see a way to not fear that others will see his vulnerability.. The second from a mother of three whose suffered with postpartum depression, while her own mom has abandoned her. She says quite poignantly, “I see articles written on adult children abandoning their parents, but not adult parents abandoning their adult children.”  Last, we’ll hear from

My mom used to write T H I N K on my forehead as a child. Ugh. I hated that! ! But it was definitely her way of trying to teach me self-control, a skill that I didn't have much of as a child! Today we’re going to focus on three skills that are considered ego skills or what compose ego strengths. First is self-regulation or how you monitor and cope with your emotions. Second is self-control - how you manage your impulses and reactions. And third is self-motivation - what does it take to give you a sense of proactivity and purpose. SelfWork is almost always about "what you can do about it" and this episode is no different. We'll define how these three skills interact and how you can build them into your own set of skills - so that they're available to you when you need them. So in today's episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, you'll learn that rehearsal is vital – not only to prove to yourself that you can change and grow – but to give your brain a chance to build new neurological c

Warning: This episode could act as a trigger due to its topic. Please listen with caution. The murders in Uvalde, Texas this week may pull for many different reactions to such senseless violence. And the unbelievable but very real fact that children were once again targeted makes it even more devasting.  I humbly offer these suggestions to you to help you make sense and give direction to your own swirling emotions as well as the way to talk to your children about how they might be feeling. Look around you and do something you have control over. Talk to your children. Allow them to share and work through their feelings and guide them to focus on an act of kindness toward others. Journal your own feelings but couple that expression with a plan, no matter how simple. Ask for help if you need it. Use your anger or anguish not as a weapon, but as motivation. This is trauma. Know that you are being affected. And that the only healing direction is through the feelings that you have.  And as always, take very good c

Where did you learn who Josh Peck was? Through his award-winning performance in Drake and Josh when he was a teen? Starring next to Ben Kingsley in The Wackness? Or has it been more recently in Disney+ Turner and Hooch? What I learned in this interview is that you likely didn't know who Josh was, because for years, he strenuously devoted himself to developing the Josh he wanted you to see. The comic. The really funny guy. Only through fighting severe drug addiction and finding sobriety did he begin to realize what he hadn't wanted anyone, including himself, to see. Abandoned by his dad, Josh grew up in a very loving but somewhat vagabond partnership with his mom; he decided on the cusp of adolescence that he was going to be successful. And he was. But the pain he'd been hiding from was waiting for him - as it always is. Celebrity overdoses that ended in death - Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro - woke him up to what he was doing. As well as finding what he calls his "Apostles" - a piece of advi

I first found Amanda White on Instagram, as she's the therapist behind Therapy For Women - a popular Instagram mental health group. But then I learned more about her. Her book came out early in 2022:  NOT DRINKING TONIGHT: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love, where she calls herself a retired-party-girl-turned-therapist. She became sober herself in her early 20's, but speaks candidly how frightened she was to do so - that suddenly she'd be the one left out, the one that's weird or simply not "fun." She encourages others to consider how any addiction you might have, but especially alcohol addiction, may be creeping up on you. The pandemic has certainly caused many to find escape in booze - with many drinking more than 14% of their normal, and women's drinking increased by 41%. Amanda also has many years of treating those who are trying to decrease or stop their drinking completely, having founded The Therapy For Women Center in Philadelphia. Her work has been featured in dozen