Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships. We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what y

Today we’re focusing on self-absorption – being highly preoccupied with your own concerns, your inner thoughts, or yourself in general. Depression can be viewed as an "implosion of the self" which creates self-absorption. I’m speaking of self-absorption not in a condescending or judgmental way, but as a way of helping the person who’s depressed, as well as the people who are trying to love them, to understand how two possible components of depression – anhedonia and apathy - can be perceived in relationships as self-centeredness or self-absorption. And, as always, what to do about it. The listener voicemail this week is from a woman whose mother is always "one-upping" her, meaning her mom says she hurts more, or has accomplished more... the topic doesn't really matter. Her mother doesn't offer affirmation for her daughter, but remains in a weird kind of competition with her. And her daughter is very, very lonely. Vital Links for Today!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic G

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude. The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance. We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending

I first met Shauna Springer -  or Doc Springer as her military clients call her  - when I interviewed her for one of her books, Warrior. There was something about her that I really warmed to and now am glad to call her a friend. Her books demonstrate what an incredible therapist she is, as well as being widely known as an expert on psychological trauma, military transition, and suicide prevention. So she was an obvious pick to guest host here at SelfWork! Her guest is another phenomenal woman. Alexa James who’s the CEO of NAMI Chicago. Under different Chicago mayors, she’s started mental health programs in the police department and worked closely on police accountability, She helped with Chicago’’s response to Covid, and now continues to bring mental health treatment to the far under-served. What you’ll hear today are two very caring and very knowledgable and very experienced women talking about innovative treatments that are being used more and more: ketamine infusions and SGB or stellate ganglion block. Y

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork. He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant! He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE. It explains in detail: The most common misconceptions about happiness. What social fitn

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait! I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book. And here ‘

Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly. Here's her actual bio: Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all! So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness. I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.” What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his

  I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life." I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d c

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized. When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” No

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself. Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive. But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions. Vital Links:  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! SelfWork post on enmeshm

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread. Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic" New York Times article on Fractured Families Forbes article on parental alienation You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse? We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recen

We’re going to talk about labels today  - and how the mental health world, its science, its leaders, and its language might be influencing us to over-pathologize what’s normal. Meaning that you can come to believe something is sick or wrong or abnormal when actually it IS normal when it’s understood in its own context. But another fact may be even more disconcerting. You can base your decisions about what you “call” something by the knowledge or experience or reasoning you have at hand. And that language might be misleading or limited Our listener voicemail is different today and I was eager to see what I could find to answer her question. She asks if something like a name change after trauma could help with building a sense of confidence? I think that’s a great question – especially fit for SW because it’s all about what you have control over and regaining a sense of empowerment. Vital Links:  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  Click

Samantha Skelly is such a vibrant and fascinating guest! She wrote her book several years ago - Hungry for Happiness: Stop Emotional Eating and Start Loving Yourself. And this is what she says about it: This book is how I turned my mess into my message. The journey of struggling with emotional eating, exercise addition & severe body image issues - within these pages contains the most effective & impactful tools to heal emotional eating for good. You can tell from her words that she's got a great sense of humor and adventure! And now, she's helping people all over the world with breath. That's right - she's teaching people how to breathe - the right way. And here's her own editorial take on that! "If you’re reading this thinking ‘what kind of hippy sh*t is this?’ - you’re not alone, before I tried it, I too thought it was all hype.Then I had an experience that healed me in ways I never knew possible. And that’s my wish for you." I know you'll enjoy her as you come breat

I began this episode thinking I’d talk about ten things I’d learned from being a therapist. But I realized that almost every one of them could be their own podcast episode. Today we’ll focus on the first – not in importance, but the first that came to mind – perhaps connected with the zeitgeist of our time. The need to be right or living being certain that you are. We’ll discuss these questions: Is having the need to be right a bad or a good thing, helpful or hurtful? Is it connected with a mental or emotional condition such as depression or anxiety? How can that belief affect your relationships with others? I’ve done my research and we’ll look at it from various angles – and then, per usual, I’ll add in my two cents. Five Major Takeaways! Being right and needing to be right are two completely different things. You can be right but also be humble. Being wrong is a means of learning. Coming to a conclusion that proves to be wrong or misguided is a means through which you figure out things that will be helpful

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) can get helped yourself. Important Links: Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Are there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from a demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied? The listener email has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do? Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  And... Click this link to order Magnes

Terry McGuire is a former broadcast journalist and voiceover talent who has earned a living with her voice for more than four decades. After experiencing her longest and darkest depression, she decided to use her experience to begin to give voice to depression through beginning the podcast - Giving Voice to Depression. There, she has collected and shared stories of her weekly guest's resilience struggles, provided mental health management tools, and general experiences of depression Her message is clear: she wants listeners to know that they're not alone, that recovery is possible, and the dark thoughts in their minds are symptoms -  and not truths. She's got a lot of titles after her name. She's president of with the non-profit Giving Voice to Mental Illness. During the pandemic, she became a certified peer support specialist. She's on the board of directors of NAMI of Wisconsin, the steering committee of Prevent Suicide Greater Milwaukee, and works as a mental health advocate with the A