Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

I love answering your questions and hearing your comments! In fact, it's one of the most favorite things I do here on SelfWork! Sharing perspectives is more than welcome.  Today I'm answering two listener voicemails: One is on the topic of what exactly IS vulnerability... is it a choice you make - to be vulnerable? Or is it a state of being,  where your vulnerability is something that needs to be protected? And why is that even important?  Because how you answer that question reflects your perception - and whether you'd want to learn to be vulnerable or it's the last thing that would every occur to you.  Enmeshment isn't well-understood by many. It looks like closeness in a family or relationship. Loyalty. But... there can also be an rigid expectation of what kind of identity outside of the family you're allowed. A listener from Jordan calls in to talk about his anger and frustration with this - but also his fear of losing his family.  Thank you as always for being here! And thanks to

Today on SelfWork we’re going to focus on self-sabotage – when you are doing things or not doing things that seem to get in the way of achieving something or creating the life you say you want. I want to talk more about the fear that’s underneath self-sabotage. Because one way of looking at sabotage is that it’s not sabotage at all. It’s really one part of you – the part that’s afraid – protecting that fear or avoiding it. So, what can seem as if you’re “getting in your own way” can actually be your mind working to keep you safe from a fear that you may be conscious of, or not conscious of at all. Let's focus on a quartet of players in the self-sabotage realm: procrastination, perfectionism, a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, and of course, imposter syndrome. And as always, we'll talk about... what you can do about it. The Speakpipe voicemail for today is from a woman who’s realized that, in order to have a sense of control, that she not only lives out her plans for today, but tries to complete thin

I'm very excited to introduce SelfWork listeners to Ananta.  I get a lot of requests from people who want to present to my SelfWork listeners,  and they introduce themselves as experts in what they term transformation. Now, it's a good word, mind you, transformation, but so much of the work isn't backed up well with exercises or there's a lot of expense. Ananta Ripa Ajmera is an author and spiritual teacher of Ayurveda, Yoga, and Vedanta, and her new book takes you every step of the way to begin to wonder and access and absorb what might be really helpful for you using those three practices in your own life.  So we're going on a different kind of journey today. Let's hear from a NTA in her own words, and I quote her, 'I'm inviting you on an enchanted journey from embattled darkness to hope'. My new book, The Way of the Goddess: Daily Rituals to Awaken Your Inner Warrior and Discover Your True Self is written as a hero's journey from a profound feminine perspective. In

I love when an author reaches out to me personally – and that’s what Brooke Siem did. I didn’t have to talk with a bunch of publicity or marketing people. She knows exactly what her message is – and who needs to hear it. I was mesmerized by her evocativeness of her writing  her book, May Cause Side Effects,  is worth the read for that fact alone. This is the first memoir on antidepressant withdrawal to hit the mass-market, a notable milestone in the journey to bring global awareness to antidepressant withdrawal. As you know, not everyone on antidepressants wants to stay on them forever, and it's imperative that both patients and doctors recognize antidepressant withdrawal and practice safe deprescribing. Brooke’s mission is to shift the narrative of depression as a chronic ailment to one that frames depression as a temporary human experience. Let’s make sure no one is hearing “You shouldn’t be on anti-depressants.” That’s not the case. They can be very helpful. And it’s hard to tell in Brooke’s memoir ho

If this post triggers you in any way, here are the International Suicide Prevention Hot Lines. Sometimes meeting someone is meant to be. I felt that way about my best friend. I felt that way about my husband. And I felt that way when I first exchanged emails with Dr. John Sommers-Flannagan. He’s the real thing. A great guy. Easy-going. Smart. Supportive. Humble. And his book, Suicide Assessment and Treatment Planning: A Strength-Based Approach is a must read for mental health clinicians. He's a professor of psychology at the University of Montana and the author of many other books. I don’t say "must read" that often. Even rarely. But it’s a must read. And not just for clinicians. It could be meaningful for anyone who has a loved one who struggles with suicidal feelings or thoughts - and how to approach them compassionately. As I said last week, you might be that one person who someone risks talking to. Last week's episode focused on the necessity and importance and publicly recognizing the fa

This week's episode of SelfWork focuses on suicide - but not as a pre-determined sign that someone needs hospitalization. That might be true, of course. But many, many people have suicidal thoughts or ideas, even fantasies, of what could happen that would allow them to escape pain that may feel intolerable. And in those cases, talking about suicide or those fantasies can be a positive sign - a sign of trust, of reaching out, of connection. And a sign of not wanting to die. We're going to explore these ideas today on SelfWork. Because talking about suicide - recognizing that feeling as if that's an answer to your pain -  is normal to feel. It's not a sin or a sign you're weak. I've literally talked with hundreds of people in my thirty years as a clinician about those thoughts. Because talking about it can lead to more understanding, greater trust, deeper self-compassion, and recognition of a desire to live. If you or someone you love has struggled to reveal any kind of emotional pain -

Today my editor, graphic designer and general "auxiliary brain" Christine Mathias, has chosen her favorite podcast. It's all about self-soothing and Mister Rogers came to mind! And we look at the neurobiology of "calm," featuring work by Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist who coined the phrase, “Name it to tame it.” Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but who can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived. Suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued, because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection. Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  YouTube Video of Dr. Dan Siegel demonstrating the "hand brain" D

Today's episode has been chosen by my audio engineer and producer, John Crowley, as one of this favorite episodes which earns the status of "good enough for a second time around" slot. And boy, does shame cause problems. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.” I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently. You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse. You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet. You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were. You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead,

I recently posted about a study group I was doing on my personal FB page and somewhat apologetically explained that I was mixing professional with personal. I received an almost immediate response from a friend who said, “You love what you do so much, I don’t think there’s much of a line between the two.” And I had to laugh. She was right. But then I came across an article that quoted recent research showing something surprising – that traditional beliefs had assumed that overwork led to depression and anxiety. Made sense, right? But now, researchers are finding that the opposite can be true – that people who are already depressed of anxious seek out work for distraction. So today, we’re going to be talking about work addiction, what might lead away from someone’s work schedule becoming destructive, and what kinds of things you can build into your life to help you curb your appetite for work. The listener voicemail is from someone who describes herself as experiencing depression while others around her remind

Real motherhood can certainly seem like you're trudging your way through a jungle of fears, exhaustion, and confusion - so why is it still portrayed as "easy" or "natural"? Author Annaliese Lawton's new book, Welcome To The Jungle, explores her own emotional turmoil associated with maternity coupled with life's daily struggles. Lawton is a small-town mom whose literary journey began when her Facebook post on motherhood and mental health went viral. Her post was translated in seven different languages, accumulated 80,000 shares, six million views, and eventually landed Lawton a book deal. Filled with unfiltered thoughts and perspectives on womanhood, Welcome to the Jungle isn’t just another parenting book on the highs and lows of motherhood, it will encourage conversations about topics on maternal mental health, marriage, and wellness. Lawton shares, “To say the book is about motherhood is really an underestimation. Motherhood is the backdrop against which the real story unfolds.&#

This month we’ve been talking about relationships.This week I heard Andrew Solomon speak about his book Far from the Tree – when parents have a child that has some kind of difference from them, and they struggle not to see that difference as a problem or something that needs to be fixed. I found his ideas fascinating – the relationship between parents and children – and how love is far different than acceptance. And how we as adults (or children) can struggle with not feeling acceptance from family but can discover it in social acceptance. So, let’s dig into that topic a bit today and I'll add in my own ideas as we go. The listener email is from a mental health professional who tried to hide from her own depression for several reasons – but isn’t now. She’s kind enough to attribute that to my book and podcast. I’ll tell her story and share some of her thoughts and hope that for any of you out there who feel that you simply cannot talk about yourself or your struggles with any transparency, that you’ll pau

Today we’re focusing on what mental or emotional issues are connected with being drawn into relationship with someone with narcissistic traits, missing the warning signs that others might sense or see. We’ll briefly cover the different types of narcissism; you can find lists that include anything from four to seven subtypes but we’ll keep it simple. And then, we’ll venture into the “why” – why might you not recognize such a manipulative and potentially emotionally abusive pattern? Here’s a huge hint. What you live as a child becomes your normal, even if it’s far from healthy or even truly normal. It’s what you experience – so that’s your normal. And you can bring that definition into your adulthood as you seek out relationships. The listener email is from a married woman who explains that her husband demands that they remain in a non-sexually-intimate relationship – or a dating relationship -  so that he can fall back in love with her. But this has lasted twenty years! is it emotionally manipulative or could

So much research and time and thought goes into romantic love. But what about platonic love – aka friendship? I loved Marisa Franco’s new book entitled Platonic and this interview is one of my favorites. I especially honor when she describes  friendships as being the relationships that are the steadiest your entire life. What you’re about to listen to is our conversation, with real, tangible, pragmatic steps to make friends and keep them. So if you struggle with that, this episode is for you! Or if you need reminding of how to maintain those friendships you enjoy, there's great advice there as well. Here are three tips she offers and you can hear how grounded they are in reality: Initiate; don't wait for friendships – they don’t happen organically. You have to actively look for friends. They're not going to show up on your doorstep. Maybe you make them at work or at school. But other than that, you need to be on the lookout. Assume people like you. This may seem cocky but not really. Assuming you

Seeming coincidences happen to me often, and again this week, something synergistic got my attention. First, I listened to the Invisibilia podcast where they actually featured another NPR podcast, a show called Life Kit. Dr. Amir Levine was interviewed, who’s an expert on attachment theory – and he spoke on how your attachment style can help and/or hinder you from being able to achieve emotional intimacy. At the same time, I received a deeply thought-out question in an email from a listener who was trying to figure out how her identification with perfectly hidden depression and a struggle with intimacy were connected. She stated that she had what’s called an “anxious avoidant” attachment style… So that pointed me to the very episode you’re going to hear today as we focus in February on relationships. We'll cover the four different types of attachment styles, and how they are created in childhood.  As an adult, they influence what you seek in relationship, what you’re comfortable or secure with and what y

Today we’re focusing on self-absorption – being highly preoccupied with your own concerns, your inner thoughts, or yourself in general. Depression can be viewed as an "implosion of the self" which creates self-absorption. I’m speaking of self-absorption not in a condescending or judgmental way, but as a way of helping the person who’s depressed, as well as the people who are trying to love them, to understand how two possible components of depression – anhedonia and apathy - can be perceived in relationships as self-centeredness or self-absorption. And, as always, what to do about it. The listener voicemail this week is from a woman whose mother is always "one-upping" her, meaning her mom says she hurts more, or has accomplished more... the topic doesn't really matter. Her mother doesn't offer affirmation for her daughter, but remains in a weird kind of competition with her. And her daughter is very, very lonely. Vital Links for Today!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic G

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude. The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance. We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending

I first met Shauna Springer -  or Doc Springer as her military clients call her  - when I interviewed her for one of her books, Warrior. There was something about her that I really warmed to and now am glad to call her a friend. Her books demonstrate what an incredible therapist she is, as well as being widely known as an expert on psychological trauma, military transition, and suicide prevention. So she was an obvious pick to guest host here at SelfWork! Her guest is another phenomenal woman. Alexa James who’s the CEO of NAMI Chicago. Under different Chicago mayors, she’s started mental health programs in the police department and worked closely on police accountability, She helped with Chicago’’s response to Covid, and now continues to bring mental health treatment to the far under-served. What you’ll hear today are two very caring and very knowledgable and very experienced women talking about innovative treatments that are being used more and more: ketamine infusions and SGB or stellate ganglion block. Y

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork. He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant! He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE. It explains in detail: The most common misconceptions about happiness. What social fitn

Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait! I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book. And here ‘

Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly. Here's her actual bio: Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path