Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Do you or someone you know apologize all the time? This can stem from several dynamics – if you’re in an abusive relationship currently or there was trauma in your childhood where you’ve grown up believing that the fault when relationships or events go sour is somehow all yours. There’s also the presence of anxiety or more specifically OCD, or what’s termed “the spotlight effect”. We’ll talk about all of these and more. So we’ll talk about how to catch yourself from that unnecessary “I’m sorry” and change it into something that notices when things aren’t quite right, but doesn’t indicate a one-down position. The listener voicemails for today share two distinct ways of thinking about aging. I wrote a post called “Turning 58” years ago now – and both of them had strong reactions. The fact that they both were sent to me in a short period of time was ironic – and it would be easy to label one “Good” and the other one “bad.” I’d like us to listen instead with compassion and see what could help both. So welcome to

For today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist", I was pondering what a patient of mine said the other day. He had to struggle a bit with the idea that therapy – for him – felt a little self-indulgent. He followed quickly up by saying, “I know it’s because I rarely if ever focus on myself. And it feels a little odd doing it. But it’s also not an easy thing to do. And most self-indulgences are that… easy things. Things that offer comfort. This definitely isn’t easy.” What follows is a story about having a rock in your shoe - which I hope can stand as a metaphor for those who may not come into therapy for severe trauma or grief, depression or anxiety - but who can benefit greatly from realizing that dealing with something apparently "small" may have remarkable results. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If yo

The Hidden Opponent is the name of D1 College Athlete Victoria Garrick's TedTalk. And it's powerful. Who is she? She's a former Division I Volleyball Player, TED Talk Speaker and has now become a social media Influencer, and mental health advocate. Those are the facts about Victoria Garrick. She’s young, she’s incredibly energetic and passionate. She’s highly competitive. And she’s struggled with depression as well as a binge eating disorder, the latter of which she’s only now started opening up about. After graduating from the University of Southern California in 2019, Victoria has traveled the country speaking on college campuses, hosts her hit podcast Real Pod, and creates daily content for her army of over 1.5M+ people who follow her message of authenticity and self-care on social media. I know that those of you who are in college or recently out will be fascinated with her and parents whose kids are into sports also need to listen – as she opens up about how the competitiveness of sports and

It’s been long known in the field of trauma that people who survive a car wreck, a mass shooting, or now, a worldwide viral pandemic – can often struggle with questions about why they survived, while someone right next to them, or someone they loved, did not. Parents who buried their children. Teachers who saw students gunned down. And of course, it’s a huge part of the PTSD felt by soldiers returning from war or anyone going through trauma. So today’s episode, sponsored by  Athletic Greens, focuses on surviving your own guilt. But survivor’s guilt can also exist in a milder or perhaps we should say in a more subtle form. Someone’s house that remained standing after a tornado destroys others’ homes. A mom with three children whose best friend can’t get pregnant. Someone whose family openly accepted them as gay or trans while a partner’s family disowned them. Our listener email is from someone whose teenager has come to them, telling them he is gay. And they turned to me for advice on where to go for good advi

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin' thinkin." And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier. So today, in this episode sponsored again by BetterHelp, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them. The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try.. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special o

We’re talking self-talk today on SelfWork;  What is it? And what can you do about it? A lot of people tell me they kinda “know” what it is, but haven't a clue how to change it. It feels as if it’s too elusive. How could you possibly rein in what your mind is telling you about something? Today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer six steps for this process. But I want to stress that it takes practice. And lots of it. So please be patient with yourself. The rewards can be incredible, but often you're trying to undo years of self-criticism that whispers almost constantly. Our listener email from today is from someone who’s not getting over a divorce and links it with not having access to his emotions. So how do you access your emotions when it doesn't come easily for you? Important links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! List of emotions: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/list-of-emotions You can he

As I wrote the book Perfectly Hidden Depression, I included over sixty specific exercises that would make reading it more of an emotional challenge, rather than one more chance to analyze. There are both action-oriented and reflective exercises and hopefully, you'd come away with a journal full of fresh insights, guidance on effecting real change in your life and support for taking risks. So today, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens,  I want to give you a taste of those exercises, so that you can get a sense of how this kind of change can be tried on for size. So many people want to change but start off with a plan that's way too difficult or hard to reach. Instead, these exercises are things you can do to help set yourself up for success – however it is that you would like to define that success. They include: creating a mantra, beginning to detach from shame, identifying emotions that are hard to feel, realizing underlying beliefs about worry and other feeling states, receiving positive re

In today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you. There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully. The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the rig

Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges. But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph into passivity. And the dream of attaining certain goals can seem so far out of reach that you don't know how to become who you want to be. Enter the "as if" technique. In this repeat episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, Dr. Margaret will outline four basic steps that can guide you to find your motivation and make the changes possible that have seemed out of reach. And she gives both tangible and more intangible examples of how to make the progress you want to make. The listener email for this week describes the pain that a mother or father can have if their child appears to have a volatile personality di

During the last week of June 2021 and first full week of July, we’re taking a bit of vacation – my awesome engineer has a fabulous move to make – and I’m getting ready to teach my first course on PHD to therapists! In fact, if you’d like to sign up for this power-packed CEYou! conference, and get 15% of the whole thing – you can use this link and the coupon code “PresenterRef” – at least up until the day of the conference which is July 6th, 2021. I’ll be providing research and information on perfect hidden depression – both things that are in the book and things I’ve learned since writing it! And there are some other wonderful presenters! So, I’d love to have you there. So many of you write to me, telling me the thing you like best about SelfWork is that in almost every episode, I focus on “what you can do about it.” So, I chose six specific episodes that really talk about just that – steps, tips, techniques, common mistakes or distortions, and what has worked for either me or my patients thru the years. Ment

I remember taking the Enneagram years ago - and quite frankly, I got pretty defensive about the results. It's funny now to think about! "This isn't me," I sarcastically decided. But I learned a lot about not only that defensiveness but the great insights the Enneagram has to offer through this conversation with author, speaker and Enneagram expert Beth McCord. She and her husband Jeff created Your Enneagram Coach, after spending years training under the top Enneagram experts, Beth is now leading the way in simplifying what she terms as the  "deep truths of the Enneagram." We kept this interview quite ecumenical but the McCords do add a biblical perspective as they teach. Beth believes strongly that the Enneagram can help you understand not only what you think and feel, but why you think and feel what you do. So welcome to this bonus episode of SelfWork, sponsored by the wonderful Athletic Greens! Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product

What are the Sunday Scaries? it's the phenomenon that so many experience at the end of the week, or perhaps more importantly, the end of the weekend – and the anticipation of entering the following work week. It’s very real, although it’s a little difficult to specifically define. Because it has lots of ways of being handled, or I guess not handled.. Whether you get angry, go to bed, escape thru alcohol or video gaming - or whether you tough it out - what occurs is what may have been your fleeting or even truly good mood evaporates into thin air – almost every Sunday. Like clockwork. You dread its coming – and you dread your dread. I hear things like, “I get paralyzed by around 3:00 on Sunday. And I can feel my mood darkening for what seems like no reason. Except it’s Sunday.” So today on SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about these Sunday Scaries, how the pandemic has changed them (what I decided should be called the Seven Day Steady Scaries) and as always, what you can do about it.

Today on SelfWork we’re going to be talking about what have been called “daddy issues” as Father’s Day is upcoming and many children will be honoring their fathers who were there for them and with whom they enjoyed an emotionally safe and stable relationship. We'll talk about how this term has been used in a pejorative way, and replace it with "parent issues," which is far more realistic. Chief among the issues is sexual abuse.  But in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to cover two other major dynamics that can cause a parent/child relationship to be damaging -  enmeshment and abandonment - or being emotionally unavailable. There are many others - the addicted parent, the critical parent, the mentally unstable parent. Below you'll find a couple of links to episodes that cover those topics as well. I’ll pull from the wisdom of my own therapy clients as they’ve seen for themselves what was wrong – and did their best to change it. The Speak Pipe listener question is from a man wh

There's a fierce search out there to get yourself, to know who you are and how you impact others. It's why assessments like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram are so popular. And how their language can become very personal and special to someone who uses it regularly. So, when I listened in on the first two episodes of "The Me You Can't See" , a new documentary on mental illness, produced by Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry, I thought about this search for ourselves. Prince Harry pointed out that with so many who’ve carried silent emotional pain for many years, the question isn’t, "What’s wrong with you, the question is -  what happened to you?” So today on SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’re going to be talking about the frightening fact that perhaps you cannot see me – as the title of their extraordinary program reflects – but also about the fact that so many of us struggle to see ourselves. Because this is true:  You cannot see me, but perhaps neither can I. The listener ema

In today's episode of SelfWork, we'll focus on toxic positivity and how it's very different from gratitude. I was motivated by an intriguing interview I heard on the podcast “Terrible – Thanks for Asking” with author and Harvard professor Susan David. She was talking about her own work with what she terms "emotional agility" - couching it in a story about her own father's death. An 8th grade teacher gave her permission to not judge any feeling, but honor it.  She now teaches that, "Being positive is a new form of moral correctness," and reminds us that, "Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility." So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll pull in the work of other experts, Dr. Shauna Springer, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and the authors of Buddha's Brain, Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. Finally, I’ll give you my own common-sense and hopefully helpful analogy to fully understand the benefit of being competent to feel all feelings, regardless of their val

So welcome to all of you on this second of a two-part series on veterans' suicide on this Memorial Day weekend, once again sponsored by Athletic Greens.  The story you're going to hear from this young woman is one you'll likely never forget. Danica Thomas was the wife of a career military guy, Alan Thomas. But his military career ended in a traumatic way as did his life. And Danica, who married him and became a mom very early in her twenties, was faced with things she never imagined trying to handle or take in stride. Life has dealt her and her family a huge blow that also dramatically and tragically caused others' suffering. Danica has dedicated her life to trying to improve the mental health services that returning soldiers receive from the VA. You'll be moved, maybe angered, maybe shocked, and certainly saddened by her story, but you'll also hear her courage and determination to fight this fight. Now Danica is a fierce activist for mental health treatment and expanded care for Ameri

Welcome to a two-part series created to highlight our veterans and first responders, all whose suicide rates are very high. If you're a veteran or first responder, or you love one, this series is a must listen. Today's interview is with Dr. Shauna Springer, better known to her veteran clients as "Doc." The story of how she learned how to work with veterans' trauma actually holds within it a far broader approach and hope to anyone who might be trying to heal from invisible wounds. You may be surprised to learn what those actual wounds are - not the ones we typically think of as civilians. But rather, ones that belong to those that experience a vital bond with the people that fight beside them. And if that bond is broken or damaged, shame, guilt and a vast emptiness can be created - feelings that last far longer than actual memories of violence. Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer is a best-selling author, frequently requested keynote speaker, and one of the world's leading experts on psychological tr

Today's YGYG (You Get The Gist) is focusing on the promise of there being genetic tests that would help your doctor choose the most effective medication for you. It's exciting to consider due to the fact that many people have to try several medications before finding one that works for them - while at the same time managing ongoing mental and emotional problems. But there's lots of debate and new research happening - so here's a rundown from the experts. I'd certainly recommend that you talk to your doctor about it! Important Links: To give you an example, there's the most prominent text I reviewed. FDA 2018 Warning 2019 Research by Harvard Most recent information from The Mayo Clinic and their researchers And another Mayo article specifying a test that holds lots of promise You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog

Before we get started, I wanted you to know that Facing Depression, my new course all about depression -  what causes it and what you can do about it - is available now, exclusively on Himalaya Learning. Himalaya Learning is an audio learning platform that provides an extensive library of courses straight to your ears from the world's greatest minds like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and more. To listen to this course and others like it, go to himalaya.com/depression and enter promo code OVERCOMING at checkout to get your first 14 days free. I hope to see you there! In this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’re going to look into the facts about being an only child, about birth order in general, and about the parent/child fit or the role temperament plays in a parent/child relationship..   I’ve had many a patient who said, “My mother never liked me.” or “It was obvious she was closer to my older sister." Often recognizing that the fit between their temperaments was not

Before we get started, I wanted you to know that Facing Depression, my new course all about depression -  what causes it and what you can do about it - is available now, exclusively on Himalaya Learning. Himalaya Learning is an audio learning platform that provides an extensive library of courses straight to your ears from the world's greatest minds like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and more. To listen to this course and others like it, go to himalaya.com/depression and enter promo code OVERCOMING at checkout to get your first 14 days free. I hope to see you there! Today’s episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, covers two topics – each one of them important to understand. The first topic is what positive psychologists (those that study what makes life worth living) call languishing – as its touted as the major emotion caused by the pandemic. What is languishing? It’s defined as a lack of well-being – or as one definition put it, an absence of a positive emotion about life.  Researchers in the pos