Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Here's a bonus episode for you during the holidays!  I couldn’t think of a better guest than Shann Vander Leek. She’s the cohost of the extremely popular podcast AnxietySlayer and the website AnxietySlayer.com. Her gentleness and broad knowledge of all things calming is incredible. She and her partner Ananga have created a complete experience of teaching you the how-to of what you can do right now about your anxiety, through words and music, meditation and calming practices. What I especially love about this episode is that Shann demonstrates some actual techniques you can try while you’re listening as she and I - and now you - do them together. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click

Today's SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, focuses on why, how and why you might choose to end therapy, or more concisely, to leave a particular therapist. We'll cover some "good" reasons to leave, reasons that either have to do with the success you've experienced or reaching your goals, as well as the ones that have to do with disappointment with or even misbehavior or unethical behavior by the therapist themselves.  But we'll also focus on the reasons why you might justify leaving, when in actuality, it may not be in your best interest to do so. I’m a huge believer in the power of good therapy. But it’s not always good. And we need to address how you know when it’s time to leave – or not. The listener email is once again quite different. I’ll read from a letter I received from a man who’s serving time in prison, He reached out in a very special way – and I thought you’d like to hear. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Good ar

I'd planned to do this episode of SelfWork on developing trust in others. But as I researched the question, I realized that first, you have to make sure you can trust your own decision-making. And your gut. I found the work of Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman (who made the most sense to me) on how you can determine if you can trust your gut or not.  There are three questions that need a "yes" answer before you can jump into believing that intuition of yours - and today, on this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll find out what those three questions are. And I offer a five-step process to work your way through those three questions, as well as adding a few ideas of my own. The listener wrote in for this week described a very painful relationship with his therapist, that had led him to feel even more shame for a porn addiction. Luckily, he was able to recognize what was going on and he left that therapist. I decided I couldn't address such a huge topic - how to handle conflict or disapp

Sometimes my own life offers a topic to me; I was definitely struggling to not be dragged down by my own rumination this past weekend. So many of us are spending hours worrying about Covid, politics, the future, finances, about jobs. The list is endless. So today, in this episode, sponsored once again by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about rumination. Is it ever helpful? Or is it something that’s dragging you down a rabbit hole of negativity? The listener email is different this week in format. I was very touched by Kat Cardy, an artist in the UK, who sent me a poem she’d written based on her identification with perfectly hidden depression. I asked her permission to use it and she said yes! It’s lovely… and my heart was very full when she sent it. I was interviewed on a podcast called Seize the Moment by two New Yorkers,, Alen Ulmann and Leon Garber.  What I didn’t know was that they’d both not only read the book, but identified themselves on the spectrum of PHD; in fact, Leon revealed that he himself had a

YGTG is five minutes of jam-packed info about one concept or idea or behavior - and today it's about emotional bandwidth. People are using the term emotional bandwidth to reveal that they can't tolerate certain emotions or discussions. It's a short cut way of saying, "I can't be there for you right now." But when does it become an almost too impersonal or detached way of absolving yourself from a commitment? It may make something seem almost like a technical glitch rather than a personal choice to withdraw from a commitment that would take emotional maturity and growth. Or rather than the more vulnerable, “I don’t think I can learn how to be the person I thought I could be.” You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membersh

Challenging your assumptions can lead to remarkable change – and can break emotional paralysis. On SelfWork today, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about doing the dishes. Yes you heard me – dishes. One of my FB closed group members very aptly posted the story you're about to hear as a way of coping with the stress of the pandemic – to look at your own life through a different lens and see how you could manage your struggles differently – by challenging your own rules/assumptions. When you do, it can bring huge relief, and a tremendous jumpstart to your hope for change – and change that lasts. It's called "second-order change" in psychology and it can be very powerful.  Our listener email today is from a woman who’s writing about being dominated both at home and at work – I’ll let you listen to her email and see what you think. I was struck by a couple of things – and hope to offer ideas that will be helpful. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a sp

Whether or not you believe that dreams have meaning (and almost half of Americans think that’s true…), you probably have had many types of dreams. Today, in another episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to talk about the diverse categories of dreams  – and then the proposed “meaning” of those very dreams. We'll look into what can bring nightmares on as well as the most recent research on what's termed "lucid dreaming." Early psychiatrists certainly believed and espoused that dreams had unconscious meanings – that they are created by the part of our mind that lives in the background of our consciousness but influences and guides us. So today we’ll talk about nine categories of dreams and then travel into the land of what dreams may mean.. maybe for fun or maybe, for those of you who have a strong relationship with your dreams, to employ them for healing. Our listener email today is from a young woman who’s suffered multiple traumas in her life… sexual abuse and her mother’s dying rig

A  few weeks ago, a patient looked at me and said, “I realized that what I needed  - I’d had all along. It’s like the ruby red slippers. You simply have to know their power and your own power.” I haven’t been able to get that notion out of my head since that session. We all have the capacity to learn, to understand, to see and to have confidence in ourselves - but we can sabotage and discount our strengths, values, talents, and gut feelings. In this episode, I decided to trust my own red slippers in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, and allow my own mind and heart to create a list of ten things that can build self-confidence - and with humility I bring it to you. This is Movember – the month where men’s issues, specifically in the way so many disregard their medical and mental health, are highlighted by men growing mustaches – in a light-hearted but very sincere attempt to throw light on men. Thus the listener email is from a man who writes that he’s begun having symptoms of anxiety and panic at a time w

Trigger Alert: This episode discusses childhood sexual abuse, so please listen with care. Movember is a movement whose focus is to raise concern and awareness about the state of men's health, both medical and mental, in the United States. I myself have seen firsthand how extremely difficult it is for many men to seek help or open up at all about what’s going on with them. So I thought about who I could approach to help achieve Movember’s mission, and one person immediately came to mind. That person was Lewis Howes, and he graciously agreed to be interviewed. Lewis overcame tremendous obstacles, including a learning disability, bullying and sexual abuse on his way to becoming a media sensation and a New York Times bestselling author. His podcast, The School of Greatness, is rated in the top 100 of all podcasts, garnering 250 million downloads in seven short years. His books, the first also entitled The School of Greatness, and his second, The Masks of Masculinity, have reached millions of readers as well.

I’ve been surprised over the years about the things people believe about alcohol use that’s very old-school. For example, that for the use of alcohol to be a problem, you’ve got to be lying in a ditch somewhere, having lost your job and friends. Or if you can go a long time without drinking, then you don’t have an issue. Statistics show that one out of every eight people in the US fit criteria for alcohol use disorder, as it’s called now. It can cause all kinds of pain for both the drinker and those that love them. Especially curiously for those who are high-functioning drinkers – people whose lives look quite intact socially and/or professionally, who can be quite successful and engaged in their own right. Yet they drink. A lot. Whether it’s a part of family gatherings, the music you listen to, gameday celebrations – if you drink to celebrate and drink to grieve – it can be detrimental to just about everything about you. And what remains astounding is how easy it is to stay in denial about it. So that's

I originally wrote this in July of 2016 in the wake of natural disasters, shootings, and tragedies overseas. I’m offering it again to you today with a few nods to what we are going through together as the world faces this pandemic. I wish you all well. I sat down to write early this morning, and could only think of the many tragedies, caused by humans and by nature, that have been occurring for the last few weeks and months. I felt paralyzed. Broadcasters keep using the term "unprecedented" and they are right. Especially here in the United States, there are few areas where there is not division and unrest.  How could what I have to say matter? Then I remembered a stranger's kindness, and I smiled. We can always choose kindness.  You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed gro

I thought today might be a great day to post an episode about acting maturely, as we in the US have gone through a very divisive election and hopefully will be trying to mend and heal and carry on. I'll be back next week and can't wait to fill you in on what's been happening! This is a very early episode... but the message is one that's a thread throughout my clinical work with patients - and now, you. Feeling mature, decisive, not being reactive but responsive, having insight into our own behavior and changing that behavior when it’s appropriate – when we can do these things, we are acting in our adult selves. So much of how or how long that takes depends on what happened to us as kids. In this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll talk about your childhood strategies – the ways you unconsciously coped with whatever was present in your family. If you’re still using the same guide or strategy, you might be stuck, or not actually dealing with life as it is now. We'll define not only d

Today is the first anniversary of Perfectly Hidden Depression's  publication and I'm honored to tell you that it's being translated into seven more languages, including Korean, Hungarian, and Russian. So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, and when we're on a bit of vacation, I'm reposting your questions and my answers about PHD. The first is from a writer who is losing her battle between creativity and perfectionism; the second from a wife and mother who is busy all day, but feels “blah” at night. A young woman used the SpeakPipe feature of the podcast (see below..) and  asks about how to move from what she terms “self-hatred” to “self-love." And the last is from a man who’s tried therapist after therapist, but now realizes that he tried to be the perfect patient and never revealed parts of himself that might show him in a vulnerable light. How can he begin to be real? Thank you for all these questions! If you're interested, I've also shared the first published excerpt f

We're on vacation so I've selected several of my favorite podcasts from the first 100 episodes. Again sponsored by BetterHelp, they're my favorites either because of some personal reason or they lay out a practical "what you can do about it" approach! We'll be back November 13th with fresh episodes but I hope you really enjoy this blast from the past. There's lots of information out there about how to stop beating yourself up or how to increase your self-esteem. But how do-able is it? 'm offering three practical exercises for you to try -- things that I've offered as ideas to my own patients who are struggling with depression and low self-esteem, and are convinced that others look down on them, that they're unacceptable, or that they don't have what it takes to create a good life. You can try these out for yourself! The email listener for today questions whether or not she has borderline personality disorder, and seems to discount having suicidal thoughts. Important

We're on vacation so I've chosen several podcasts to feature during our absence that are special to me and are from the "early" years (or the first 100 podcasts that you may not have listened to...). “Always be humble and kind” was a huge country hit several years ago, and I talk in this episode about making mistakes but then using them to actually learn something about yourself  - which definitely takes some humility. So, what's the process involved in that kind of learning ?  In this special "Second Time Around" post, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer five pragmatic ideas about how to accept mistakes, and offer specific questions to ask so that you may be less likely to make them all over again. The process takes integrity, humility and even courage. Today’s email from a listener is on coping with friends and family not being as close as they used to be, when you’re struggling with depression or anxiety. How do you not feel abandoned? We'll be back with fresh podcasts o

We're on vacation! So I've chosen a few podcasts that were part of the first one hundred episodes that were either near and dear to me or were definite "what to do about it" episodes - the "how to" episodes. Since this week is my birthday week, I decided to feature one of my favs on aging where I use my own life and experience to highlight a point. This one is not talking about aging just gracefully, but with the acceptance and understanding of how each generation within a healthy family can shift roles while all individuals continue to respect and value one another. We'll be back on with new episodes November 13th! So see you then! And hope you enjoy. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group,

We're on vacation! So I've chosen a few podcasts that were part of the first one hundred episodes that were either near and dear to me or were definite "what to do about it" episodes - the "how to" episodes. Since this week is my birthday week, I decided to feature one of my favs on aging where I use my own life and experience to highlight a point. This one is not talking about aging just gracefully, but with the acceptance and understanding of how each generation within a healthy family can shift roles while all individuals continue to respect and value one another. We'll be back on with new episodes November 13th! So see you then! And hope you enjoy. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group,

This "The Gist" is coming out on my own birthday - so perhaps that's why I wanted to know more about what makes our biological clocks tick a bit louder. Pregnancy and midlife obviously jump to mind as probably the most well-known times when your sense of time and maybe even urgency about it may influence your choices. So we'll talk about how to manage that ticking - so you make good choices instead of ones you'll come to regret. Important Links: Thought Catalogue's  funny piece on a conversation a woman might have with her uterus. Article on tokophobia Rutgers study on the male biological clock My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And the

People who are in crisis, whether it's mental, emotional or physical, usually report a very similar path to me. At first, everyone is there. Food and flowers are delivered after a death; people offer to take your kids if you’re recovering from surgery, or you had a car wreck, or your home was damaged in a tornado. If your friends know you’ve broken up with your significant other, you get texts and funny memes sent to you. But what happens a few weeks after that? A silence usually descends. And you’re left to cope on your own. When the loss or the struggle is chronic – when you're in for a long haul, the silence can be even more deafening. So today in this episode sponsored by. BetterHelp, we’re going to focus on how to listen. How to figure out the right thing to say. How to get tuned in. Our listener email for today poses a very direct question about holding onto the past and not being able to work through grief and loss. Instead even years later, this listener feels overwhelmed by suddenly losing th

I had the great pleasure of talking to New York Times best-selling author, Terri Cheney, a couple of weeks ago. She's come forward the last few years to reveal her struggle with severe bipolar disorder in books that are as transparent as they are dramatic. I read her her newest book, Modern Madness, and frankly couldn't put it down. And even though I've been a clinician for over twenty-five years, I learned so much from her vivid explanations and revelations about just what goes on inside someone's mind when they cycle from struggling with thought of suicide to high-flying mania. Terri's former profession was as a highly successful entertainment lawyer, with clients such as Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson. She now advocates for mental health awareness and leads a campaign to #TellMeWhereItHurts - urging people to ask questions and really listen to the answers from those who need compassion and to be seen for themselves, not their disease. I know that this will be helpful to anyone who lis