Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

In today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years. But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you. There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully. The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the rig

Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges. But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph into passivity. And the dream of attaining certain goals can seem so far out of reach that you don't know how to become who you want to be. Enter the "as if" technique. In this repeat episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, Dr. Margaret will outline four basic steps that can guide you to find your motivation and make the changes possible that have seemed out of reach. And she gives both tangible and more intangible examples of how to make the progress you want to make. The listener email for this week describes the pain that a mother or father can have if their child appears to have a volatile personality di

During the last week of June 2021 and first full week of July, we’re taking a bit of vacation – my awesome engineer has a fabulous move to make – and I’m getting ready to teach my first course on PHD to therapists! In fact, if you’d like to sign up for this power-packed CEYou! conference, and get 15% of the whole thing – you can use this link and the coupon code “PresenterRef” – at least up until the day of the conference which is July 6th, 2021. I’ll be providing research and information on perfect hidden depression – both things that are in the book and things I’ve learned since writing it! And there are some other wonderful presenters! So, I’d love to have you there. So many of you write to me, telling me the thing you like best about SelfWork is that in almost every episode, I focus on “what you can do about it.” So, I chose six specific episodes that really talk about just that – steps, tips, techniques, common mistakes or distortions, and what has worked for either me or my patients thru the years. Ment

I remember taking the Enneagram years ago - and quite frankly, I got pretty defensive about the results. It's funny now to think about! "This isn't me," I sarcastically decided. But I learned a lot about not only that defensiveness but the great insights the Enneagram has to offer through this conversation with author, speaker and Enneagram expert Beth McCord. She and her husband Jeff created Your Enneagram Coach, after spending years training under the top Enneagram experts, Beth is now leading the way in simplifying what she terms as the  "deep truths of the Enneagram." We kept this interview quite ecumenical but the McCords do add a biblical perspective as they teach. Beth believes strongly that the Enneagram can help you understand not only what you think and feel, but why you think and feel what you do. So welcome to this bonus episode of SelfWork, sponsored by the wonderful Athletic Greens! Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product

What are the Sunday Scaries? it's the phenomenon that so many experience at the end of the week, or perhaps more importantly, the end of the weekend – and the anticipation of entering the following work week. It’s very real, although it’s a little difficult to specifically define. Because it has lots of ways of being handled, or I guess not handled.. Whether you get angry, go to bed, escape thru alcohol or video gaming - or whether you tough it out - what occurs is what may have been your fleeting or even truly good mood evaporates into thin air – almost every Sunday. Like clockwork. You dread its coming – and you dread your dread. I hear things like, “I get paralyzed by around 3:00 on Sunday. And I can feel my mood darkening for what seems like no reason. Except it’s Sunday.” So today on SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about these Sunday Scaries, how the pandemic has changed them (what I decided should be called the Seven Day Steady Scaries) and as always, what you can do about it.

Today on SelfWork we’re going to be talking about what have been called “daddy issues” as Father’s Day is upcoming and many children will be honoring their fathers who were there for them and with whom they enjoyed an emotionally safe and stable relationship. We'll talk about how this term has been used in a pejorative way, and replace it with "parent issues," which is far more realistic. Chief among the issues is sexual abuse.  But in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to cover two other major dynamics that can cause a parent/child relationship to be damaging -  enmeshment and abandonment - or being emotionally unavailable. There are many others - the addicted parent, the critical parent, the mentally unstable parent. Below you'll find a couple of links to episodes that cover those topics as well. I’ll pull from the wisdom of my own therapy clients as they’ve seen for themselves what was wrong – and did their best to change it. The Speak Pipe listener question is from a man wh

There's a fierce search out there to get yourself, to know who you are and how you impact others. It's why assessments like the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram are so popular. And how their language can become very personal and special to someone who uses it regularly. So, when I listened in on the first two episodes of "The Me You Can't See" , a new documentary on mental illness, produced by Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry, I thought about this search for ourselves. Prince Harry pointed out that with so many who’ve carried silent emotional pain for many years, the question isn’t, "What’s wrong with you, the question is -  what happened to you?” So today on SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’re going to be talking about the frightening fact that perhaps you cannot see me – as the title of their extraordinary program reflects – but also about the fact that so many of us struggle to see ourselves. Because this is true:  You cannot see me, but perhaps neither can I. The listener ema

In today's episode of SelfWork, we'll focus on toxic positivity and how it's very different from gratitude. I was motivated by an intriguing interview I heard on the podcast “Terrible – Thanks for Asking” with author and Harvard professor Susan David. She was talking about her own work with what she terms "emotional agility" - couching it in a story about her own father's death. An 8th grade teacher gave her permission to not judge any feeling, but honor it.  She now teaches that, "Being positive is a new form of moral correctness," and reminds us that, "Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility." So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll pull in the work of other experts, Dr. Shauna Springer, Jon Kabat-Zinn, and the authors of Buddha's Brain, Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius. Finally, I’ll give you my own common-sense and hopefully helpful analogy to fully understand the benefit of being competent to feel all feelings, regardless of their val

So welcome to all of you on this second of a two-part series on veterans' suicide on this Memorial Day weekend, once again sponsored by Athletic Greens.  The story you're going to hear from this young woman is one you'll likely never forget. Danica Thomas was the wife of a career military guy, Alan Thomas. But his military career ended in a traumatic way as did his life. And Danica, who married him and became a mom very early in her twenties, was faced with things she never imagined trying to handle or take in stride. Life has dealt her and her family a huge blow that also dramatically and tragically caused others' suffering. Danica has dedicated her life to trying to improve the mental health services that returning soldiers receive from the VA. You'll be moved, maybe angered, maybe shocked, and certainly saddened by her story, but you'll also hear her courage and determination to fight this fight. Now Danica is a fierce activist for mental health treatment and expanded care for Ameri

Welcome to a two-part series created to highlight our veterans and first responders, all whose suicide rates are very high. If you're a veteran or first responder, or you love one, this series is a must listen. Today's interview is with Dr. Shauna Springer, better known to her veteran clients as "Doc." The story of how she learned how to work with veterans' trauma actually holds within it a far broader approach and hope to anyone who might be trying to heal from invisible wounds. You may be surprised to learn what those actual wounds are - not the ones we typically think of as civilians. But rather, ones that belong to those that experience a vital bond with the people that fight beside them. And if that bond is broken or damaged, shame, guilt and a vast emptiness can be created - feelings that last far longer than actual memories of violence. Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer is a best-selling author, frequently requested keynote speaker, and one of the world's leading experts on psychological tr

Today's YGYG (You Get The Gist) is focusing on the promise of there being genetic tests that would help your doctor choose the most effective medication for you. It's exciting to consider due to the fact that many people have to try several medications before finding one that works for them - while at the same time managing ongoing mental and emotional problems. But there's lots of debate and new research happening - so here's a rundown from the experts. I'd certainly recommend that you talk to your doctor about it! Important Links: To give you an example, there's the most prominent text I reviewed. FDA 2018 Warning 2019 Research by Harvard Most recent information from The Mayo Clinic and their researchers And another Mayo article specifying a test that holds lots of promise You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog

Before we get started, I wanted you to know that Facing Depression, my new course all about depression -  what causes it and what you can do about it - is available now, exclusively on Himalaya Learning. Himalaya Learning is an audio learning platform that provides an extensive library of courses straight to your ears from the world's greatest minds like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and more. To listen to this course and others like it, go to himalaya.com/depression and enter promo code OVERCOMING at checkout to get your first 14 days free. I hope to see you there! In this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’re going to look into the facts about being an only child, about birth order in general, and about the parent/child fit or the role temperament plays in a parent/child relationship..   I’ve had many a patient who said, “My mother never liked me.” or “It was obvious she was closer to my older sister." Often recognizing that the fit between their temperaments was not

Before we get started, I wanted you to know that Facing Depression, my new course all about depression -  what causes it and what you can do about it - is available now, exclusively on Himalaya Learning. Himalaya Learning is an audio learning platform that provides an extensive library of courses straight to your ears from the world's greatest minds like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss, Seth Godin, and more. To listen to this course and others like it, go to himalaya.com/depression and enter promo code OVERCOMING at checkout to get your first 14 days free. I hope to see you there! Today’s episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, covers two topics – each one of them important to understand. The first topic is what positive psychologists (those that study what makes life worth living) call languishing – as its touted as the major emotion caused by the pandemic. What is languishing? It’s defined as a lack of well-being – or as one definition put it, an absence of a positive emotion about life.  Researchers in the pos

Hello and welcome to another five minute interlude or what we call You Get The Gist! YGTG. Today I’m revealing some new thoughts about imposter syndrome – I did an episode on it now years ago. But what I was intrigued to read recently was some research coming out of Harvard – critiquing the whole idea of women "suffering" from this horribly insecure feeling. Now, with the impetus of the #metoo movement, women of all ethnicities are realizing that perhaps it's been the workplace that's been most of the problem. As these Harvard researchers state, "Even if women demonstrate strength, ambition, and resilience, our daily battles with microaggressions, especially expectations and assumptions formed by stereotypes and racism, often push us down." Important Link: Harvard article Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one

There are so many times when I don’t think things are going to go well and I hope I'm  wrong. And sometimes, I certainly am.  But I wrote a post back in 2015 right after a young Josh Duggar’s problems with sexual abuse came to be known. My post focused on how his family had missed a wonderful opportunity to model openness and honesty about the difficulties facing our kids in the realm of sexual abuse; to get help not only for the their daughters who'd been molested by Josh, but for Josh himself. The Duggars, rooted in a very conservative faith system, didn’t send him to appropriate treatment, which they could’ve well afforded. Now he’s been charged with alleged internet child porn charges – and has six of his own children with another on the way. So today I’m going to focus sexual addiction, in this episode sponsored once again by Athletic Greens. You may not believe sex addiction is actually real – but from my experience, it is. And very destructive. We also always talk about what you can do about i

Dr. Kristina Kiefer reached out to me recently. Her email was simple and to the point. "I’m in vet med and veterinarians are in trouble." I was intrigued and looked up some statistics on my own. Nearly 400 veterinarians died by suicide between 1979 and 2015, according to a CDC study published in January that analyzed more than 11,000 veterinarian death records in that timeframe. The study also found that female veterinarians are up to 3.5 times more likely to kill themselves than members of the general population. She then introduced me to her friend and colleague, Dr. Kimberly Pope-Robinson who has spoken many times about this subject and is the author of the book “The Unspoken Life”, detailing what vets need to do to stay stable. I can tell you these two are a dynamic duo and told me things about the vet profession I’d never have believed. Even if you’re not a vet, many of us have pets and put our trust in them implicitly. Or so I thought. What vets contend with on a regular basis – from completely

Today we’re going to focus on your gut – and how recent research is finding that it may have more to do with depression and anxiety than realized in the past. Believe it or not, there’s a second independent nervous system in your body called the enteric nervous system, located in your gut. And it constantly communicates with the brain through the vagus nerve. Certainly puts a different perspective on having a “gut” feeling… or “having butterflies”… We’ll also focus on half a dozen things you can do to stimulate the vagus nerve which (somewhat contradictorily sounding) slows down your heart rate and calms you down. We'll talk about  some fascinating things for this 228th episode of SelfWork, one sponsored by Athletic Greens. Our listener email today is from someone who says that her mom laid a big guilt trip on her when she was a child.. and now she guilts herself for everything and far too readily feels guilty for too many things. She wants to know what she can do about! Important Links: Click this link t

Compartmentalization (sometimes called stuffing away feelings) is a healthy skill much of the time. And you can tell when people don’t have that skill. Their emotions govern their lives and their choices. Something unpleasant or unwelcome ruins their day or causes them to have to leave their job or to yell at their kids. Or at you. So learning how to monitor and evaluate a situation – using mindfulness to be aware of something being emotionally difficult - and then being able to table those feeling until it’s the right time and place to work through those emotions can be a vital skill. But compartmentalization can also be damaging when it's connected with a need to escape, for example, through addictions; when you use it to avoid what's termed cognitive dissonance, as when you're behaving in a certain way that doesn't match your true values; or when it's part of a sociopathic or even psychopathic personality disorder. Our listener email is from a man whose ex is talking to their son in an

Today's "You Get the Gist" explains the four different types of narcissism. All of them share the major features of a constant need for admiration, an unrealistic sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and great difficulty forming meaningful relationships. What are they and how are both similar and dissimilar to one another? You'll find out more.. but they are the grandiose narcissist, the covert narcissist, the communal narcissist (I'd never heard of that one..) and the malignant narcissist. I use the excellent work of Darlene Lancer, an attorney and a mental health clinician  (link below). However, I do offer one caveat - be careful about diagnostic labels. They were historically meant to aid in better communication but often go way beyond that. Links: Darlene Lancer Psych Central article Article on covert narcissism You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive o

  As many of you know, I was a professional singer before I began my journey to become a therapist and a psychologist. The only thing I knew about therapy was that I’d had lots of it and had never laid down on a couch. And that it had been extremely helpful many times. My decision was made in 1984 and I became licensed in 1993. Nine years is a long time. So, I couldn't wait to use all I'd learned in school. But the learning actually started when I began seeing patients on my own. And I also realized that many of the things I'd experienced from being in therapy myself - made me a better therapist. So today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll talk about ten things that a good therapist knows to do. In fact, here they are: The importance of timing. Sometimes it's better to wait. What true empathy is. Staying curious rather than assuming I know. When to listen to my gut. The vital importance of self-care. When personal sharing is helpful. The importance of being myself and not adop