Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

In today’s episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder, but in a different way than I have before on SelfWork.  I’ve mostly written about what it’s like to try to love someone with a serious personality disorder, like narcissism or borderline personality disorders. But today, I want to talk about what it’s like to have borderline traits – and the fears and struggles that come with it. I"ll use two women's stories from my own practice and the work of Rosie Cappuccino, author of Talking About BPD. We'll touch on the differences between borderline and bipolar disorders, and also discuss how the diagnosis of borderline can bring with it judgment from not only the general public, but from the mental health profession. The listener voicemail for today comes from a woman who describes that she has a wonderful life – and that she’s troubled or haunted or saddened or feels guilty (that’s a little unclear) for not loving her mother. And frankly, not even likin

Today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, is all about answering your questions. We’re going to talk about everything from fear of failure (I'll talk about navigating my own failures) to negative forecasting (aka "catastrophizing" (to identifying depression when it’s been all you can remember to what’s termed maladaptive daydreaming. I learn a lot when I research your questions and this episode is full of our learning together. Just yesterday I went to a play called Tiny Beautiful Things – a story about a woman named Sugar who writes an advice column. She mostly uses her own life, which had been hard, as the basis for her answers. I was reminded by how much trust you demonstrate in me to ask me a question. And I’m honored more than you know. Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my pod

There are some people who are both humble and brilliant and Dr. Caroline Leaf is one of those people. She's a world renowned Neuroscientist, mental health and mind expert, bestselling author  of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and host of Cleaning Up The Mental Mess podcast. In this episode, we have a fascinating conversation about the mind-brain connection and how this plays into mental health, how our minds differ from our brains  - and why learning the difference is important for self-regulation and SelfWork. Dr. Leaf also teaches listeners how to foster and cultivate the power of their own thinking and direct their own brain changes by providing a simple five-step roadmap to create sustainable, true change. Her technique, what she calls mind-management, helps facilitate talk between the conscious, the subconscious, and the nonconscious mind. And she’s definitely into “what you can do about it.” Dr. Leaf defines five steps that, when followed closely, can get brainwaves flowing in a healthy way, optimizi

Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus on what psychologists call "a solid sense of self" - which is a little jargonistic for me. First we'll touch on the huge difference between codependence and interdependence, with the latter being so important in the development of trust and cooperation. Then we'll move onto the issue of hanging on to your sense of "being you" while in a relationship. You certainly don't do that in a codependent relationship but you can in an interdependent one. And to make it even more accessible, I've broken down this whole solid sense of self concept into five components. Know what you value about yourself - your strengths - and claim these competencies with humility. Use your voice to state what you think , what you expect and what you want -  and then to compromise. Expect others to respect your boundaries. Take responsibility for your own vulnerabilities and the impact they might have on others. Seek relationships where

We’re going to talk about what I term a "trilogy of trouble" today, or basically how jealousy, envy and possessiveness can sabotage a relationship or commitment. This can happen in personal as well as professional relationships, but we're mostly focused on personal aspects of the trio of trouble. Jealousy can emerge from fear and it can emerge from resentment. So, how do you tell if it's justified or completely unjustified? We'll talk about that and more, such as how you can learn from these feelings if you don't react to them and act in hurtful ways. In fact, we're going to hear from fellow psychologist and podcaster  Nick Wignall, another psychologist and podcaster about how the "story" you tell yourself about your feelings can exponentially increase the likelihood of creating more chaos. The listener voicemail is about forgiveness of someone who’s cut you out of an inheritance – one that sounds as if it could’ve been fairly large. We don't know a lot of facts, so I&#

Today's You Get the Gist is a short bow to my own aging process - as today is my birthday! It became clear to me last week that when someone is using such figures as Colonel Sanders to encourage you to keep on keeping on - something has shifted! lolol.. So I looked for stories of very cool people that had done just that - and I found the awe-inspiring Virginia Oliver as my next role model. Here's her story and a poem I love, written by Scottish poet Jenny Joseph when she was only 29 years of age. I've always loved it and hold it now even closer to my heart. Warning By Jenny Joseph When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells And run my stick along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers

I truly can't express how I feel about SelfWork being alive and well and celebrating its 5th anniversary! I couldn't do it without the listeners, the commenters, those who've emailed, those who've left ratings and reviews, those who listen week after week - or those of you who drop in from time to time. All of you are important, in fact vital. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And I hopefully humbly want to thank you for showing up. Some weeks are hard than others to pull together an episode. Each one of them takes anywhere from 4 to 6 hours to write and then time to record, send to John Crowley, my audio engineer, for editing. Then he sends it back to me. And I listen again. Then Christine Mathias, my go-to person for so much makes the graphic – sometimes edits what I write for the show notes. Reminds me of some scheduling issue or another. Gets the episodes in the weekly newsletter. Sends that out. It’s a true team effort. And I’m so lucky to have these talented people on that team. I

Welcome to a difficult episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp.  First of all, I need to state a trigger/content warning for anyone listening who was forced manipulatively, physically or sexually into a sexual relationship with a parent or grandparent. I’ve done an episode on sibling sexual abuse and received a lot of feedback, thanking me for explaining the feelings associated with being molested by a brother or sister. Today, we’re going to widen the discussion to familial incest, and will focus on when a parent sexualizes the relationship they have a with a child. I’ll use the case histories of people I’ve worked with, both women and men, to describe what happened to them, and how they’ve come to understand and heal their very deep wounds of never feeling safe or loved for who they were, but for what they could “do” or were forced to do for a parent, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle. – literally being treated like an object there to be controlled and manipulated. The international sexual abuse hotl

Today I want to focus on the confusion that anyone can have about what's causing their depression. And the important question is, "Is it me or is it my relationship?"  The episode is in answer to an email I received from a 20-something listener but is a confusing problem for many. They write, “I would love to not receive a solution, but just gain some perspective on what you believe would be wise for me to do.” Well, that’s good because I’m not sure I can offer a solution. But I’ll see what research says and add my input. Today’s listener email is also about relationships and regaining trust. The listener writes, “Everything I wanted is now mine.” But she’s struggling with resentment after her husband had an affair.  So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens (now known as AG1!) , we’ll be focusing on relationships and the hurdles that many face within them.  Welcome as always to SelfWork! Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product

Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, spokesperson, and author of the bestselling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career. Through her two viral TEDx speeches, her online courses, and her podcast, the You Turn Podcast, she’s been able to support clients in 31 countries in discovering their best career path, upgrading their confidence, and landing more job offers. She maintains a monthly career column in Forbes, and her work has been also featured in outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, CBS, SELF, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and more. Those are the facts about Ashley Stahl. But let me tell you what it’s like to talk with her. She’s quick, bright, compassionate – quick to laugh. And her advice and guidance about choosing a career or moving into a career that’s not necessarily about your passion, but uses your core values, skills and very nature – where your particular brand of of energy can have the chance to be naturally expressed

Many people these days are on an SSRI, a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. Like Lexapro. Or Prozac. But there is some danger that needs mostly to be known to be prevented. There's a condition called serotonin syndrome, where you have too much serotonin in your system, that can be very dangerous. It doesn't happen that often, but you need to know the symptoms and catch it before it wreaks true danger. So on today's SelfWork YGTG, we'll define what it is and what you should do if you, or someone you love, experiences it. Important Links: Article I took most of this information from (as well as my clinical experience...). You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is avail

This is the 250th episode of SelfWork. And frankly, I'm amazed. So, that made me wonder... where does willpower come from? Can you learn to have more willpower? What makes something worth sacrificing for? What can cause you to forego immediate gratification for something where you’ll obtain or earn or enjoy something in the future? Is it your “fault” if you struggle with willpower? If you’ve listened before to SelfWork, you can probably guess that I don’t believe that.. nor has that been my experience as a therapist. Yet I know there are many who walk around shaming themselves for not having “enough” willpower. So, in this episode sponsored once again by Athletic Greens, we'll talk about what the most recent research says about willpower, and how it debunks some old ideas about where it comes from. And perhaps the most important message? A struggle with willpower is not a moral failing. The listener email is from a woman who found herself within the traits of perfectly hidden depression and wanted to

Today we’re focused on how on the power of words can calm or basically how to self-soothe. I stopped to think about “soothers” with words in our culture , such as Mister Rogers, Aibileen Clark from the movie The Help, and even more recently and comically, Ted Lasso. What they did or do reminds us of what we can do to calm ourselves. Dr. Dan Siegel, a psychiatrist, author, researcher and integrative neurobiologist coined the phrase “Name it to tame it.” And watching his YouTube videos on how our nervous systems work together to achieve calm is fascinating. I'll do my best to demonstrate his model of the brain so you can see for yourself! Our listener email is from someone who has gained a lot from SelfWork – always something that makes me smile – but can’t stop worrying about the cancel culture that has arrived – suddenly you’re simply not around anymore or important or valued – because of what can seem like immediate and complete social rejection. So thanks so much for joining me on this episode of SelfWo

  This episode is my response to a review that was left on SelfWork this week. They write, “Thank you for taking the time to make this podcast. I’ve tried therapy at least five times in the last ten years for anxiety, depression and grief. I could never stick with therapy. But since discovering your podcast and binging on the episodes that resonate, I feel much more confident about taking on therapy and more modern treatments, and much more informed. “ So, on this episode of SelfWork sponsored by Athletic Greens,  we'll focus on why you might tend to quit therapy – or at least the reasons you give.  And my recommendation is to think through the "why" of your desire to leave the relationship. This issue may be more complicated than first thought. Tied in with that, what are the roles therapists can play? Or what are the different structures for therapy? If you know these roles, you’ll walk into the relationship realizing all it could be – and make sure you and your therapist are headed in the direc

When I was a kid, I went to a Presbyterian church every Sunday and grew up there. Sunday School, church, youth group – the whole program. That’s not the subject for this episode, however. The topic today is self-forgiveness. Why did I bring up my church memories? Because I was very thoughtful about the whole thing, and remember asking my mother this question: “How can I hear me knocking on God’s door?” This innocent question was based on the scripture, “Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.”  I was curious about just how I was going to know that door was opening if I couldn’t even hear myself knock. I now realize our own beliefs are found in our inner mind and heart – we “know” them, but they aren’t concrete. We “hear” them inside our own thoughts and feelings. We feel and know love. We feel and know sorrow. And we feel and know or recognize self-forgiveness. It happens inwardly. You can’t see it – but you can sure feel it. So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll tal

Every day I receive a bunch of emails from publicists, publishing houses, or teachers on every subject you could think of to suggest either themselves or their client to be a guest on SelfWork. It's a flattering problems to have. But some are very unique, like this one from LinkedIn's Scott Shute. "Hi Dr. Margaret, I hope this finds you in the middle of a smile." That got my attention. Scott has had a diverse career, but now leads LinkedIn's Mindfulness and Compassion Programs, which he describes as a rare and growing field. I was very curious! His book, The Full Body Yes, was just released in May of 2021 and I enjoyed his very story-driven style, often using his own life as an example of what and what not to do. He focuses on building compassion in the workplace, and as always, we talk about what you can do about it in your own work environment. Scott would say that "it starts with you" - that you don't have to have any programs to learn how to build your own real sense of com

Sometimes I receive an email that tears at my heartstrings. And this week was one of those times. I’ll read you the email – the heads up is that it’s about a sudden and totally unexpected suicide that led its writer to reach out to me about perfectly hidden depression with the question – Can someone hide depression, even suicidal thinking, from themselves? I’ll give my unequivocal answer. Our listener voicemail also mentions perfectly hidden depression, but is basically a question about what my thoughts are about when to go consider medication for depression. I’m not a prescriber nor a psychiatrist so I can only offer general thoughts on this topic as a psychologist, but I can address it. I’m so thankful to so many of you for leaving reviews on Apple Podcasts – the last one said, “ This woman has changed my entire life! I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was or that I even needed therapy before this podcast. Nevertheless, my friend suggested that I listen and since then I have a consistent relationship w

Today we're going to focus on why we lie to each other, to ourselves and even in therapy. We'll touch on severe manipulative lying, called pathological lying, and compulsive lying, but most of the episode we'll discuss plain old lying. I found two wonderful articles on the subject and their links are below. Hopefully understanding the "why" might help you realize that there are other things you could do... and I, as always, suggest what you can do about it. The listener voicemail for today is from someone who read my blogpost on enmeshment and is looking for some answers. Those of who had cruel or neglectful parents might not at all understand at this man’s plight, He was loved too much??? But whether or not the boundaries of parenting were nonexistent because you got manipulated through abuse, or whether they were nonexistent because you weren’t allowed or supported in building a life away from a parent, the damage can exist either way. So, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, le

On today's You Get the Gist, I’m wanting to make a couple of points that may or may not have occurred to you while you heard about or you were watching Simone Biles’ journey at the Olympics. First, I wondered what your first thought might’ve been when you heard Ms. Biles had initially opted out. And we fairly quickly learned it was because of her concerns about her focus – basically her impaired state of mental health – and how that might work to harm her physically. Or as she said to her team, “I don’t want to ruin your chances of winning…” with a less than stellar performance. And second, did you put yourself in her shoes? Could you disappoint your boss, or your family, or your kids – due to your own concerns about your mental health? How many times have you done things that you realized on a core level might harm you, but you went ahead and did it? Would there be a limit to that? What would the boundary be for you to say, “No, I can’t.” There’s a lot you can learn from your own reactions… so I’m here t

This week was very hard  as one of my close family members died suddenly. I didn’t know if I’d have the energy or even the ability to do a podcast. So, I looked for one that I might add on to - maybe about grief. And I found this podcast from a year and a half ago that fit. I'll focus first on what I've learned from many who are mourning about what can be a very difficult aspect of grief and somehow you can feel ashamed - of how you watch others' lives go on normally. And yours has changed so drastically. It's lonely. But we'll also talk about three things you can do to reach out in a meaningful and difference-making way to those who are grieving. The listener voicemail today is from someone who’s in a relationship where finances are a source of conflict between them – and I’ve heard this problem quite a bit – and have learned to try to remember always to ask about financial arrangements in a partnership. Perhaps many of you have also had difficulty around the issue of money and fairness a