Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Today we’re going to talk about guilt and self-forgiveness. Basically there are two forms of guilt. Healthy guilt – or when you feel remorse for something that you did or said or felt – and maladaptive guilt which is guilt that doesn’t serve any positive rationale, but instead eats you up from the inside. For example, survivor’s guilt, a fairly common kind of guilt, is maladaptive. I’ll also offer my own seven steps to self-forgiveness. For many, especially for those who struggle with depression already, self-forgiveness can be a struggle. Please know this episode may be triggering for those of you who’ve been through a difficult experience and listen with caution and care. Here are those seven steps: You choose or want to do the work of forgiving yourself. That means you don’t wallow in blame, but you also take your share of the responsibility. Look at your past and see if you were constantly blamed (you were the “black sheep”) or if you weren’t guided to take responsibility (you were never in the wrong). E

I’m so delighted to bring you this interview in recognition of Suicide Awareness Month. Why? Erin Gallagher, current interim executive director of This Is My Brave, is going to tell you about the life and suicidal death of her son, Jay. His life was ended after his high school had been alerted there were warning signs – big ones – very alarming ones – and because he didn’t “seem” depressed and denied it, they ignored these signs. They didn’t dig any further than Jay saying, “No I’m not depressed.” Erin has poured herself into learning more about why this school counselor didn’t search further. Why Jay was believed so readily. Our paths met because of my work in perfectly hidden depression. Her discoveries are achingly true: one being that even those who’ve sought therapy don’t report suicidal thoughts – due to fear, stigma, or their own denial that’s being pressured day in and day out by intrusive thoughts of dying that can invade even the most “perfect” seeming of lives. Please listen – but listen with care.

Here’s a special preview of the new season of The Happiness Lab for the YGTG for this month!  You might think you know what it takes to lead a happier life… more money, a better job, or Instagram-worthy vacations. You’re dead wrong. Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos has studied the science of happiness and found that many of us do the exact opposite of what will truly make our lives better. She’ll take you through the latest scientific research and share some surprising and inspiring stories that will change the way you think about happiness. In the preview you’re about to hear, Laurie is joined by the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to talk about a massive public health crisis that has touched nearly all of us at some time or another: loneliness. Loneliness is a far more common and far more serious problem than we think. If we're feeling lonely, what can we do? As you'll hear in this preview, we need to build out our social connections. Hear more fromThe Happiness Lab at https://podcasts.pushkin.fm/th

One of my favorite things to do on SelfWork is to respond to your questions! The first is a reaction to a recent podcast from 19 year-old podcaster Sadie Sutton who was explaining her journey with depression and her parents’ role in it. This listener wanted to know if I was following up with an interview with her parents – a great question actually. But no, that’s not the plan. But I wanted to respond to some of her thoughts as that episode touched a sensitive and vulnerable place in her heart – and maybe it did yours as well. The second email is from someone whose partner has been diagnosed as BPD/bipolar and is looking for some support for herself. And the third from a listener who’s turned to his family for affirmation – and keeps getting ignored or even criticized for it. His question – how do I become my own cheerleader? Vital Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offe

What’s emotional incest? (Please be aware that you could be triggered by this episode if abuse is in your past and I’ll share links to help lines.) It’s not the same as sexual incest – but can certainly cause its own type of damage. It falls within the dynamic of enmeshment but has its own definition and characteristics. Emotional incest is defined as a parent turning to a child to meet their emotional needs instead of having that relationship with an adult.  We’ll talk about how it happens and how it’s so often missed since it can appear as if all is normal, when it's not at all. And as always, we'll focus on what you can do about it. The listener voicemail is from someone who used what she called discipline to parent but her kids have some resentment toward her. We’ll talk about what she could do. Vital Links!!! Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - wit

We can’t believe it! 300 episodes!!! And that’s due to your loyalty and your emails and your messages and your support and your reviews and…. well, you!   Thank you!!! I had a topic in mind for this three hundredth episode of SelfWork. But I realized that what was on my heart and mind was how so many of you don’t think you have the time to deal with whatever depression or anxiety you might be feeling. Well I’m delighted you’re taking this next 25 minutes to listen – as today we talk about what may surprise you – that it doesn’t take as much time as you may think to do your own selfwork – or even to practice how to change your own relationship with time and yourself in the process. It's about acknowledgement. And that takes a minute. Then we have a little something to hopefully add a smile to your day! It's time for another blooper reel! Vital Links!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping

I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they feel free to tell me things because they know I cannot tell anyone else. That’s true of course- unless I believe that there's imminent danger of some kind to them or someone else. But I don’t think of my role as that of secret-keeper. Instead I think of a therapist as offering safety rather than secrecy. Part of the safety is the secrecy – but of course, in abusive or manipulative relationships, secrecy is often used with malintent. So today, we’re going to talk about secrets. Here are the questions we'll answer! What are the most common secrets? Why can some people not keep a secret or why are they a tattletale or a gossip? What’s the difference between secrecy and privacy? Or secrecy and confidentiality? Is it true that when something is kept secret from you, it has no impact on you? What’s the difference between Secrecy and manipulation? And secrecy and abuse? The SpeakPipe voicemail for today is from a woman who revealed childhood sexual abus

On SelfWork, I love to feature people who have used their own experience – and sometimes that experiences involves loss or grief – to live through something that has taught them important lessons. And they want to share that you. Krista St-Germain is that kind of person. I’ll let her tell her story but I think you’ll be surprised at some of how she handled her response. She studied to become a life coach in order to try to learn what she needed to do to work through her grief and began a podcast so that, she, like me, could reach more people who were also widows and moms. She focuses on post-traumatic growth – and she stresses that PTG doesn’t involved romanticizing trauma – somehow trying to convince yourself or others that your trauma is something that you’re supposed to be glad happened. Not at all. But what you do with it is important. Some of her major points: The myth about the grief stages How to avoid the social expectations surrounding grief Her truth about trauma, moving forward, and post-traumatic

A listener left a voicemail for me within the past couple of weeks… in fact, two. Basically she asked, “I have trouble bonding with people and find myself not expecting too much. I’m in a good relationship now with my partner, but how do I get over this issue?  Can you give tips on how to start trusting myself, others and especially my parents?” I want to stress that being able to trust is about connection – about intimacy – and if you struggle with it, then you’ll not experience true connection, but isolation and fear. The good news is, as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” Trigger warning: We’ll be talking about specific examples of abuse. The voicemail for today is from a listener who had severe withdrawal symptoms from being on an antidepressant for year, and asks about how to avoid wit

Today on You Get the Gist, you’re going to get to hear from Wade LIghtheart  Who’s Wade Lightheart? Well, he’s the cofounder of BiOptimizers, who became a new sponsor of SelfWork just last week! But he’s a three-time Canadian national all-natural body building champion, and a former Mr. Universe contestant who trained as a vegan – so he’s a guy that’s doing things differently. I think you’ll find him personable and his message truly vital to hear. Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those w

Today we’re going to focus on how to help your teen with depression through an interview with a  great guest, 19 year-old Sadie Sutton, host of the podcast She Persisted. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13 and by the age of 14, had been hospitalized four times for severe depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Realizing things were going nowhere fast, her parents took her to McLean Hospital, a residential inpatient program. And it was there  - life changed. Why should you listen and share her story? Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24 in the US. 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made attempts. Ohio State football player Harry Miller’s revelations that he attempted suicide, shared his struggles with his coach and got help. He says, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away,” wrote Miller. “It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.” Here are some of the salient points fro

I’m thrilled today to introduce you to a new sponsor of SelfWork! Not only have I used this product for over three years,  but it suddenly dawned on me that I should talk to them about a collaboration! And voilá… here it is. Let me introduce you to Ozark Mountain Medicine’s fantastic CBD products! We’re delving into my SelfWork emailbag again this week – and the questions you’ve brought me will resonate with many of you. I love hearing from all of you – because it gives me a chance to give back to those of you who are listeners in a very specific way. What are those topics? The relationship between self-esteem and lying, what to do with things that are left behind by someone who died (and this listener’s father had died by suicide – so trigger warning here), and last, is there a danger if you take medication for depression that it will numb you to your feelings? Our second sponsor today is Athletic Greens – another product I use daily - and we’ll hear from them later in the broadcast!. Vital Links:  Click thi

If you've listened to SelfWork, or read my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, you know that I've cautioned about doctors and clinicians' overdependence on the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). In this riveting conversation with the author of Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses and activist Sarah Fay, she tells her story of being labeled with six different diagnoses during three decade  of treatment, all accompanied by prescribed medications with, at times, very difficult side effects, and numerous therapy techniques. Until finally, one psychiatrist told her - after the typical 30 minute initial visit - "I don't know what you have." His humility and caution changed her life, and she began looking into exactly what this "DSM" was and learning how subjective mental health diagnoses can be. She's also quick to say that she's developed a healthy respect for mental health providers, as the field is a complex one to

Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.” I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking. Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they're flawed and were absorbed by you as a child. You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse. You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet. You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were. You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.” You were put in charge as a child, did

Today's YGTG (You Get the Gist) is focused on self-help; can you seek out too much help? The answer is yes. Self-help can actually make some people feel inferior and ashamed, rather than better about themselves - especially if you inundate yourself with it, or are almost addicted to seeking out articles and TikTok's and Instagram reels. And... podcasts. Even though I'm one of those people who are trying to offer my experience as a psychologist, I've often suggested to people that they need to stop looking outside of themselves for answers or waiting for just one more piece of information before they act. You can get into analysis paralysis - and time passes, and passes, and passes. And you do nothing - because you're so afraid of making a mistake. So... if it will be helpful - truly helpful - please listen in to the wisdom of Mel Robbins and Mark Manson. But know you and only you can learn to trust yourself. Vital Links: Mel Robbins' five-second rule. Great article by Mark Manson on th

Back when I was busy creating my own emotional chaos,  my therapists used CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) and family systems therapy – both of which were very helpful to me. But today, we’re taking a dive into a therapy I wish had existed then ...  DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Why? Because DBT teaches distinct tools for those whose decision-making is highly governed by their intense emotions. And those tools are not only practical, but practice-able. What I learned when I took that dive was that the tools of DBT are immense! And there are way too many of them for one episode! So, we’re going to focus on one aspect of DBT – the role of distress tolerance - which is one of the four modules of DBT. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’s confused because her husband has told her he no longer has feelings for her -especially sexual feelings – and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll do my best to offer some ideas.. This episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp, consistently rated a

What's one of the most frequent questions I get from SelfWorkers?  What do you do when you care about someone who’s depressed or destructive or anxious or ill and they don’t seem to be able to or even want to help themselves? Maybe from your perspective they’ve given up, are in denial, or are extremely defensive about how they’re living or how their struggles are impacting you, the family, them, their job – their entire life.  Part of many mental and emotional problems – especially those that involve seeming distortions in thinking – are hard to recognize by the person who has those very beliefs or behaviors. Or maybe they don't see their depression – or their impulsivity – or their hypervigilance – as something that could be helped and/or treated. When you're trying to love them, you can feel confusion, helplessness, self-righteousness, anger, sadness, irritation, disappointment – so many emotions. So today, we'll focus on five tips of what to do  – or try to do about it. And a quick hint… so

Trigger Warning: Suicide and Violence You may not know that suicide kills more first responders each year than die in the line of duty. This is one of many things that need to change. This book, Relentless Courage, was written with this fact in mind. It's co-authored by Doc Shauna Springer and Michael Sugrue, formerly a member of an elite Air Force squad and a veteran police officer It was only during his police experience and after that Michael was pummeled by the incessant nightmares and flashbacks of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.  Relentless Courage tells his story so that other first responders can know they are not alone in their mental and emotional struggle. Doc Springer and Michael also want you to know that this story and its powerful message has nothing to do with choosing “sides” - or the belief that you either side with the police or with the protestors. That does not need to be. Instead, there can be compassion for all – so that solutions – ideas for positive change – can emerge from

I’ve long been fascinated by the connections between our minds and our bodies, so much so that I wrote my dissertation (the original research you must complete before they give you a Ph.D.) on pseudoseizures. What are those? They look like actual seizures -  which are bursts of uncontrolled electrical activity between neurons that can cause all kinds of movements and abnormalities in muscle tone, sensations, or states of awareness. But they’re not.  Pseudoseizures are seizure-like activity that’s apparently caused by emotional/psychological factors. So today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders -  but what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy. The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how t

What risks do you run when you follow a quest for popularity or even celebrity? Envy is right at the top of the list, and today I'll offer 8 different signs that your need for external validation is running too high, and 6 more that reflect that envy has taken hold of your mind and heart. Envy is defined as believing yourself to be worthy of what you perceive others getting and your behavior then can become governed by that poisonous belief. We'll talk about the need for all of us to have a balance between what validation we receive externally with what we're able to give ourselves internally - and when those are out of balance, what you can do about it! Then the third thing we’ll focus on is celebrity. Does being well known have a downside? Here’s what Tim Ferriss, whose podcast has been downloaded 700 M times, has to say about the fame he’s achieved, like it or not.  "If you suddenly had 100,000 or 1,000,000 or 10,000,000 more followers, what might happen? I thought I knew, and I was naive&#