Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

This is a very personal episode of SelfWork, as I tell the story of my mother's intense struggles with anxiety - and her turning to prescription drugs to help her cope. Sadly, doctors in the 1960's brushed off women with "nerves" and handed out medications that were not only strong, but addictive. And some women, like my mother, developed a prescription drug addiction. This is the story of how the mother that I knew - that many people loved and admired - became a shadow of herself, as we all watched the woman we knew disappear. I think she would want you to know her story. She once told me, "I wish I'd known what I was doing to myself." Maybe her story can help you or someone you love. For it still can happen, although the medical profession has realized the damage of opioid overprescription - and are hopefully analyzing anxiolytics and other addictive medications closely for abuse, over-dependence, and prescriptive issues. BetterHelp has sponsored this episode - and I so wish that

Warning: There are references made in this episode to childhood abuse and suicidal thoughts/attempts. Please listen with caution. Here are international suicide prevention hotlines and resources. Lyn Barrett is a guest you'll never forget. She suffered from DID (which used to be called multiple personality disorder) and now manages a fully functional life, As part of her healing process with an eye to helping others with DID, Lyn Barrett wrote her own memoir. This retired teacher, school principal, and pastor was diagnosed with DID in 1992 and, after very intense therapeutic work, lives a happily integrated life. In her book, Crazy, Reclaiming Life From The Shadow of Traumatic Memory, Barrett takes us through her journey from happy wife and mother to internally living with more than ten distinctive personalities or “alters.” Her opening quote is: “Trauma freezes the memory narrative. It is the task of survivors of early childhood trauma to thaw it out and turn it into story.” The term “dissociative disord

One of the hardest even most cruel things about depression is the very darkness of your thoughts – the hounding of your mind and heart with feelings that seem to have the power at times to wipe all rationale from your consciousness and bury you with shame and worthlessness, distrust, and complete disbelief that anything might ever change. So today we’re going to talk about those vicious lies that depression tells you. . The listener email is from someone whose therapist, with whom she’d been working for over five years, terminated their work together because of retirement. The issue seems to be that she let people know only a couple of months before she stopped doing therapy. Now the patient is saying, “Why should I do this again? Why should I go into therapy again? This hurts too much.” So, I’ll try to help her with those questions, and that sorrow. Today’s episode is sponsored by BetterHelp – and I’m happy to say that they’ve been a sponsor of SW now for two years – and many of you have written in that thei

Today we’re doing something new! And it's the brainchild of the woman you're about to meet! Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, spokesperson, and author of the bestselling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career. Through her two viral TEDx speeches, her online courses,and her podcast, the You Turn Podcast, she’s been able to support clients all over the world in discovering their best career path, upgrading their confidence, and landing more job offers. She maintains a monthly career column in Forbes, and her work has been also featured in outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, CBS, SELF, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and more. Those are the facts about Ashley Stahl. But let me tell you what it’s like to talk with her. She’s quick, bright, compassionate – quick to laugh. And her advice and guidance about choosing a career or moving into a career that uses your core values, skills and very nature – where your particular brand

Three times this week I was asked, "Just how do I interview a therapist?" So... I'm going to give you fifteen very specific, concrete, and legit questions to ask a potential therapist. It's important of course to note how that therapist is answering you and does their manner of talking with you seem warm and engaging? I hope this helps with any confusion  you might have, or at least, now you have ideas of what to ask. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpost articles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought it was somehow your 'fault.' So, in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’ll focus on the very tangible and concrete topic of approaching a potential therapist. Sit back, relax, and hopefully learn how to talk to someone about becoming your therapist – what to ask, how to ask it, and other important facets of creating this

What's a mental health day? Why should you take one? And how to answer the question, “What good will it do anyway? I just have to go back tomorrow….And I need the money.”  I’m going to give you some ideas of how to really use a mental health day to your advantage – and the problems inherent in many work places in “admitting” or ‘revealing” that’s what you’re doing. Of course, here at SelfWork, we’re doing our best to challenge that thinking and are so grateful when you share the podcast with others or leave a review! Our listener email is from a young woman who grew up in a chaotic home where she'd to become an adult far too soon. Now as she begins to address the pain of that, she’s feeling as if the changes she’s trying to make are going unnoticed by those around her. I’ve had many people tell me the same thing. “I feel like so much is going on inside me – but no one says anything to me. It’s like I’m changing inwardly but I’m frustrated it’s not showing externally.” So, today’s post, sponsored by Be

 This past month, I heard from a woman who identifies herself as manifesting covert narcissism and she’s looking for both support and information on how she could best address what she so desperately and sincerely wants to change in herself. She talks about the extreme lack of help out there- and she’s right. Sometimes we can forget as a culture that those we “label” as having a personality disorder are often living very difficult lives. So, today we’ll talk about covert narcissism: I’ll offer recent research and as usual, add my own ideas about healing. Our listener email for this week – or basically another listener email! – is from a young woman who asks what the relationship is between perfectionism and social anxiety and she’s struggling with her progress not going faster – as she says she wants to get “rid” of her anxiety. BetterHelp is sponsoring this podcast today – and I’ve been made very aware during the pandemic (because I myself moved to only doing virtual work) how convenient and effective virtua

Here's today's You Get The Gist!  If you’ve been watching March Madness recently, hopefully you’ve seen the new commercials, sponsored by Powerade, supporting the power of pause. They feature premiere such as Simone Biles, Premier League soccer manager Antonio Conte and Olympic Gold diver Tom Daley as they take pause to relax and enjoy unexpected hobbies. Also featured are former NBA stars Chris Webber and Jason Williams. Let me quickly say that I have no relationship with Powerade; my fascination is with the power of this campaign – not only for athletes but for driven perfectionists  - no matter what their field. “I’ve come to recognize the power of the pause and the Powerade brand’s campaign is a timely reminder to take a moment when we need it—whether for a deep breath, a timeout or even a season out,” Biles said in a statement. “We push ourselves hard physically and emotionally to achieve our dreams but if we are not our best mentally, then we are not maximizing our full potential. I want to help

  This question came up in a couple of scenarios this week. So, I decided to go with the synergy of that and focus on the decisions surrounding self-revelation - or telling your story. Here's the question: “How do I talk to someone about what’s really going on with me? I’m scared they’ll feel like I’m dumping on them, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Or even worse, I’m scared they’ll take it on like it’s their problem.” I know some of you rarely if ever do that; some of you may do it too much. So, what’s a middle ground? How can you filter your own need to be listened to, to be understood, so that you set up a situation where you get what you want and need?. Or for those of you who stay completely away from sharing parts of your story, how can you begin to do it at all?? The listener email is from someone who saw my Pinterest feed – and more specifically the pin on PHD – took my questionnaire and was shocked by her score. So ,what should or could she do now? This is a question I get a lot so wanted to bring

A.A. Milne's character Winnie the Pooh -  Eeyore - the droopy eyed donkey who Winnie loves, has many famous quotes. But this is one of my favorites, especially when thinking about how to work through disappointment. "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." Disappointment is something we all have to work through. Yet it’s important to know that you can do it - because it's one of those things that happens to everyone. Something you thought would happen, had counted on and put energy into  - won't happen. And that hurts. So in today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer seven steps to do just that. What are they? Grieve first. Start getting perspective right off the bat. Consider and acknowledge what your own part and what you were disappointed in is or was. That's utilizing your internal locus control. Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.  Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring

Today's episode is full of wonderful email questions from four of you and my answers! We'll cover someone who identifies with perfectly hidden depression and is doing trauma work... but things seem to be getting harder, not easier. Is that normal? A second listener writes in about how difficult it is for her to change habits - and down the rabbit hole she goes, into an emotional space she hates but somehow can't seem to avoid. So how to stop that? The third question is from a woman whose mom was narcissistic, and she's realizing that she was drawn to partners who also had narcissistic traits. Why does this happen? And fourth, a listener's mom seems to have borderline traits, and doesn't realize the negative impact of her actions and behaviors on others. So the question is how to go forward setting boundaries - and I have two ideas of how she could proceed. Lots of great topics! So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer my ideas to all four listeners - and am so g

I loved this review of Talya Miron-Shatz' new book Your Life Depends On It (certainly an attention-catching title!) “People who expect to stay healthy forever need not read this wonderful book.  The rest of us should.  With a fine combination of humor, compassion and vast knowledge, Talya Miron-Shatz offers clear and useful guidance for the hardest decisions of life.”  Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. I'll add my own humble praise for her work, for as I read, I remembered all the times I'd fumbled around at a doctor's office, forgetting to ask what I really needed to ask, even forgetting some important detail of what exactly was wrong! So I was eager to bring you her work, as literally your life may depend on it. She gives all sorts of great information in her book and in this interview, but she also offers the three most vital questions to ask you medical practitioner. A great thing to know! Her uncommonly broad perspective has crystalized into a worldview that sees health as a joint venture b

Imagine my surprise when I heard of a great book I wanted to feature on SelfWork - and then discovered its author lived in my own hometown of Fayetteville, Arkansas! That book is You Are What You Click and its author is Dr. Brian Primack. He holds a master’s in education from Harvard (with a focus on adolescent development, psychology, and education), an M.D. from Emory, and finally a Ph.D. in Behavioral Science from the University of Pittsburgh. Those credentials might seem to be enough, but he's also an internationally acclaimed expert on the relationship between media, technology, and health. It turns out for example that Dr. Primack's most recent research has found that there is a direct link between the amount of time you spend on social media and your level of depression. And we're lucky enough to have him right here at the University of Arkansas, as he's now Dean of the College of Education and Health Professions. So I present him and his work to you today. On top of all that, he's

I get a lot of questions about therapy - how to find a therapist, how to know if therapy is working. One of the most common questions is, “How do I open up?” But here was another and different kind of comment last week.  “Things I was only vaguely aware of, or knew, but was able to keep locked away from myself - have decided to pick the lock.” So, sometimes opening up can be a slow process while at other times, painful emotions and memories can come bursting out when triggered. So, in this episode of  SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to focus on five things to be aware of that can lead you to feel as emotionally safe as possible with your therapist. The listener voicemail is only five seconds long… but her question is heartbreaking. I’m not sure I have answers… but I definitely want to extend comfort and reassurance. So, let’s talk about how you build safety into beginning to open up about things that – at least initially – don’t feel safe at all. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online t

Perhaps the most poignant messages I receive are the ones from people who love someone who's becoming less and less “like’ themselves – and are frightened about what’s going on. This week I heard from a wife whose husband..."has always had an excuse for his extremely busy schedule. Over the past several months he has been acting very differently and has been more open about his unhappiness, and will admit to being depressed. He is also very confused. I came upon your podcast and book as I was searching... We started couples therapy... but he'll say things like" I don't think this is what's really wrong", or "She's focusing on why I'm smiling during the session, when really the problem is that I'm unhappy". So in today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we'll focus on burnout and its relationship with perfectionism - and how both can lead to true classic depression. The listener email today is also someone asking about PHD – but this time, about he

I want to eagerly and deeply thank HealthLine for naming The SelfWork Podcast the "Best Overall Podcast for Depression!" Wow!! Thank you to my team and to you, the listeners! Talk about not being able to "do it without you"? We truly can't! So my gratitude to each and every listener... Today I'm going to catch you up on what I'm continuing to learn about perfectionism. And  I’ll share my new understanding of what makes PHD-perfectionism different from others. It's trauma-based or trauma-induced. I"ll also explain how the mind actually disposes (or seems to dispose) of the memory of an experience and the feelings it initially created – the processes of suppression and repression are fascinating to learn about! I wrote a post about my reaction to this week's voicemail in Psychology Today - you might want to read it yourself and its in the links section below.  I know that therapists are people too… but I want you – my SelfWork listeners – to be prepared for how to handle

On this YGTG for this week, please know that we offer a trigger warning; I'm going to talk about the recent suicide of Cheslie Kryst. On the 30th of January, a young woman threw herself off the balcony of a New York high rise and died. She was Cheslie Kryst, who'd made history as the oldest Miss USA at the age of 28. She was highly successful, extremely driven, and desperately afraid of getting older as if when she turned 30, her time for accomplishment would disappear. People who were trying to cope with her death said, "Don't forget to check on the strong people." That's a great first step. But there's another, even more important step. First, be vulnerable yourself. Invite those strong people to do the same. And do it more than once. Do it often. And maybe, just maybe, one day they’ll say, “You know, I’m actually terrified to let anyone know what goes on in my head.” Check on strong people. Yes. But help them – and the world – begin redefining what “strong” is. You begin definin

Today we're going to talk about the fairly sticky subject of the difference between expectations, demand, and setting boundaries.  What do you do when you feel disappointed by others? Do you isolate or judge?  Do you get mad or sulk? Could it be that your very expectations are the problem? Is it different to voice your expectations than it is to secretly have them?  Or is that playing a game that the other person doesn’t know you’re playing? And how do boundaries fit in here? We'll ask lots of questions and hopefully reach some answers today on SelfWork. The listener email for today is from a young 21 year-old who feels tremendous loyalty to her family and feels “needed” by them. But she also feels very stuck and admits she can hold onto a victim mentality. She’s dealing with enmeshment it sounds like.. and She’s asking how she can take baby steps to start living more independently… Wonderful question and I’ll do my best to give her some ideas. What would you say? So, in this episode sponsored by the

We have a huge treat for you today, and her name is Kimberly Quinlan. She specializes in anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and body focused, repetitive behaviors.. She also provides one-on-one treatment, and offers free online courses at the school she founded, The CBT School. . And I really recommend that any of you who struggle listen to her podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit. But today, I'm interviewing her about her new book, The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD: Lean Into Your Fear, Manage Difficult Emotions and Focus on Recovery. I read it cover to cover, and have already recommended it to a client of my own who struggles with OCD. I know you'll love how Kimberly approaches treatment,  She stresses that self-compassion is vital due to the frequent presence of intense self-loathing in OCD. So in this episode, once again sponsored by the great folks at BetterHelp, let's hear the wisdom of Kimberley Quinlan. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a specia

I’m so delighted to be back with you in 2022! Happy New Year to all of you as we continue to work for you here on the podcast! We are growing by leaps and bounds so a huge thank you to all of you who’ve been sharing and telling your friends about your experience. Please subscribe wherever you listen and my immense gratitude to any of you who’ve left a review or rating! That lets people know we’re still pumping it out and giving SelfWork listeners what you want and need and enjoy! And I’d welcome more questions! You can use the Speakpipe app in the show notes below or email me: askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com. This listener left a written review: “I do love listening to this podcast because it helps me feel more “normal” in my depression, anxiety, trauma. I’m 41 years old and I recognize that something is not right with me , but I bottle it up and shove it away! Thanks for sharing your experiences and help!” So today, we’re going to focus on learning how to soothe yourself - and not to bottle it up and