Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

What risks do you run when you follow a quest for popularity or even celebrity? Envy is right at the top of the list, and today I'll offer 8 different signs that your need for external validation is running too high, and 6 more that reflect that envy has taken hold of your mind and heart. Envy is defined as believing yourself to be worthy of what you perceive others getting and your behavior then can become governed by that poisonous belief. We'll talk about the need for all of us to have a balance between what validation we receive externally with what we're able to give ourselves internally - and when those are out of balance, what you can do about it! Then the third thing we’ll focus on is celebrity. Does being well known have a downside? Here’s what Tim Ferriss, whose podcast has been downloaded 700 M times, has to say about the fame he’s achieved, like it or not.  "If you suddenly had 100,000 or 1,000,000 or 10,000,000 more followers, what might happen? I thought I knew, and I was naive&#

I use all kinds of stories and metaphors in therapy  to help people actually remember a point. I’m not sure when I started doing it, but there’s something about a story or a picture that cements or anchors an idea in your mind. Just think about in Forrest Gump, the famous “Life is like a box of chocolates” and you’ll understand. So today, I want to read you a poem that I use all the time in therapy. The author, Portia Nelson was an American popular singer, songwriter, actress, and author. In 1965, she portrayed the cantankerous Sister Berthe in the film version of The Sound of Music,and on TV's All My Children Nelson played the long-running role of nanny Mrs. Gurney. Her book of poetic musings, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery, became a mainstay of twelve-step programs. Here's Portia's poem that can act as an anchor for you! “I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever t

If you like SelfWork because we talk about "what you can do about it," this interview will be incredibly helpful to you! As a therapist who focuses a lot on how to move from negative, destructive thinking to much more positive, motivating self-talk - I've learned that HOW you talk to yourself highly influences what you actually do. I've asked people who are fighting viciously with one another to imagine what they want their relationship to look like in five years - and all of a sudden, their communication improves or is less vitriolic. In order to distance from pain, someone will move from saying "I feel..," into referring to themselves in second tense. "When something like this happens, you feel...". It's good emotional management. It turns out these "techniques" have names or labels! Ethan Kross is a highly respected researcher from the University of Michigan - and his new book Chatter; The Voice In Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It identifies, veri

Trigger Warning: References to Suicide (International Suicide Prevention Resources) After the shootings in New York, California and Texas within the last couple of weeks, I'm preparing an episode concerning mental health issues that may play a part in violent crime, but also - and very clearly - where they do not play a part. Hatred can be taught. Absorbed. It's very different than true mental illness. But that research will take a bit. So, this episode highlights the email questions that you’ve sent to me – and my responses. The questions are diverse, as well as challenging. The first is from a man who identifies with perfectly hidden depression but cannot see a way to not fear that others will see his vulnerability.. The second from a mother of three whose suffered with postpartum depression, while her own mom has abandoned her. She says quite poignantly, “I see articles written on adult children abandoning their parents, but not adult parents abandoning their adult children.”  Last, we’ll hear from

My mom used to write T H I N K on my forehead as a child. Ugh. I hated that! ! But it was definitely her way of trying to teach me self-control, a skill that I didn't have much of as a child! Today we’re going to focus on three skills that are considered ego skills or what compose ego strengths. First is self-regulation or how you monitor and cope with your emotions. Second is self-control - how you manage your impulses and reactions. And third is self-motivation - what does it take to give you a sense of proactivity and purpose. SelfWork is almost always about "what you can do about it" and this episode is no different. We'll define how these three skills interact and how you can build them into your own set of skills - so that they're available to you when you need them. So in today's episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, you'll learn that rehearsal is vital – not only to prove to yourself that you can change and grow – but to give your brain a chance to build new neurological c

Warning: This episode could act as a trigger due to its topic. Please listen with caution. The murders in Uvalde, Texas this week may pull for many different reactions to such senseless violence. And the unbelievable but very real fact that children were once again targeted makes it even more devasting.  I humbly offer these suggestions to you to help you make sense and give direction to your own swirling emotions as well as the way to talk to your children about how they might be feeling. Look around you and do something you have control over. Talk to your children. Allow them to share and work through their feelings and guide them to focus on an act of kindness toward others. Journal your own feelings but couple that expression with a plan, no matter how simple. Ask for help if you need it. Use your anger or anguish not as a weapon, but as motivation. This is trauma. Know that you are being affected. And that the only healing direction is through the feelings that you have.  And as always, take very good c

Where did you learn who Josh Peck was? Through his award-winning performance in Drake and Josh when he was a teen? Starring next to Ben Kingsley in The Wackness? Or has it been more recently in Disney+ Turner and Hooch? What I learned in this interview is that you likely didn't know who Josh was, because for years, he strenuously devoted himself to developing the Josh he wanted you to see. The comic. The really funny guy. Only through fighting severe drug addiction and finding sobriety did he begin to realize what he hadn't wanted anyone, including himself, to see. Abandoned by his dad, Josh grew up in a very loving but somewhat vagabond partnership with his mom; he decided on the cusp of adolescence that he was going to be successful. And he was. But the pain he'd been hiding from was waiting for him - as it always is. Celebrity overdoses that ended in death - Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro - woke him up to what he was doing. As well as finding what he calls his "Apostles" - a piece of advi

I first found Amanda White on Instagram, as she's the therapist behind Therapy For Women - a popular Instagram mental health group. But then I learned more about her. Her book came out early in 2022:  NOT DRINKING TONIGHT: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love, where she calls herself a retired-party-girl-turned-therapist. She became sober herself in her early 20's, but speaks candidly how frightened she was to do so - that suddenly she'd be the one left out, the one that's weird or simply not "fun." She encourages others to consider how any addiction you might have, but especially alcohol addiction, may be creeping up on you. The pandemic has certainly caused many to find escape in booze - with many drinking more than 14% of their normal, and women's drinking increased by 41%. Amanda also has many years of treating those who are trying to decrease or stop their drinking completely, having founded The Therapy For Women Center in Philadelphia. Her work has been featured in dozen

This is a very personal episode of SelfWork, as I tell the story of my mother's intense struggles with anxiety - and her turning to prescription drugs to help her cope. Sadly, doctors in the 1960's brushed off women with "nerves" and handed out medications that were not only strong, but addictive. And some women, like my mother, developed a prescription drug addiction. This is the story of how the mother that I knew - that many people loved and admired - became a shadow of herself, as we all watched the woman we knew disappear. I think she would want you to know her story. She once told me, "I wish I'd known what I was doing to myself." Maybe her story can help you or someone you love. For it still can happen, although the medical profession has realized the damage of opioid overprescription - and are hopefully analyzing anxiolytics and other addictive medications closely for abuse, over-dependence, and prescriptive issues. BetterHelp has sponsored this episode - and I so wish that

Warning: There are references made in this episode to childhood abuse and suicidal thoughts/attempts. Please listen with caution. Here are international suicide prevention hotlines and resources. Lyn Barrett is a guest you'll never forget. She suffered from DID (which used to be called multiple personality disorder) and now manages a fully functional life, As part of her healing process with an eye to helping others with DID, Lyn Barrett wrote her own memoir. This retired teacher, school principal, and pastor was diagnosed with DID in 1992 and, after very intense therapeutic work, lives a happily integrated life. In her book, Crazy, Reclaiming Life From The Shadow of Traumatic Memory, Barrett takes us through her journey from happy wife and mother to internally living with more than ten distinctive personalities or “alters.” Her opening quote is: “Trauma freezes the memory narrative. It is the task of survivors of early childhood trauma to thaw it out and turn it into story.” The term “dissociative disord

One of the hardest even most cruel things about depression is the very darkness of your thoughts – the hounding of your mind and heart with feelings that seem to have the power at times to wipe all rationale from your consciousness and bury you with shame and worthlessness, distrust, and complete disbelief that anything might ever change. So today we’re going to talk about those vicious lies that depression tells you. . The listener email is from someone whose therapist, with whom she’d been working for over five years, terminated their work together because of retirement. The issue seems to be that she let people know only a couple of months before she stopped doing therapy. Now the patient is saying, “Why should I do this again? Why should I go into therapy again? This hurts too much.” So, I’ll try to help her with those questions, and that sorrow. Today’s episode is sponsored by BetterHelp – and I’m happy to say that they’ve been a sponsor of SW now for two years – and many of you have written in that thei

Today we’re doing something new! And it's the brainchild of the woman you're about to meet! Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, spokesperson, and author of the bestselling book, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career. Through her two viral TEDx speeches, her online courses,and her podcast, the You Turn Podcast, she’s been able to support clients all over the world in discovering their best career path, upgrading their confidence, and landing more job offers. She maintains a monthly career column in Forbes, and her work has been also featured in outlets such as The Wall Street Journal, CBS, SELF, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, and more. Those are the facts about Ashley Stahl. But let me tell you what it’s like to talk with her. She’s quick, bright, compassionate – quick to laugh. And her advice and guidance about choosing a career or moving into a career that uses your core values, skills and very nature – where your particular brand

Three times this week I was asked, "Just how do I interview a therapist?" So... I'm going to give you fifteen very specific, concrete, and legit questions to ask a potential therapist. It's important of course to note how that therapist is answering you and does their manner of talking with you seem warm and engaging? I hope this helps with any confusion  you might have, or at least, now you have ideas of what to ask. The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’d read one of my blogpost articles on challenging or working through the shame that you've carried around, quite without rational or reason, because you felt invisible to others, and thought it was somehow your 'fault.' So, in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we’ll focus on the very tangible and concrete topic of approaching a potential therapist. Sit back, relax, and hopefully learn how to talk to someone about becoming your therapist – what to ask, how to ask it, and other important facets of creating this

What's a mental health day? Why should you take one? And how to answer the question, “What good will it do anyway? I just have to go back tomorrow….And I need the money.”  I’m going to give you some ideas of how to really use a mental health day to your advantage – and the problems inherent in many work places in “admitting” or ‘revealing” that’s what you’re doing. Of course, here at SelfWork, we’re doing our best to challenge that thinking and are so grateful when you share the podcast with others or leave a review! Our listener email is from a young woman who grew up in a chaotic home where she'd to become an adult far too soon. Now as she begins to address the pain of that, she’s feeling as if the changes she’s trying to make are going unnoticed by those around her. I’ve had many people tell me the same thing. “I feel like so much is going on inside me – but no one says anything to me. It’s like I’m changing inwardly but I’m frustrated it’s not showing externally.” So, today’s post, sponsored by Be

 This past month, I heard from a woman who identifies herself as manifesting covert narcissism and she’s looking for both support and information on how she could best address what she so desperately and sincerely wants to change in herself. She talks about the extreme lack of help out there- and she’s right. Sometimes we can forget as a culture that those we “label” as having a personality disorder are often living very difficult lives. So, today we’ll talk about covert narcissism: I’ll offer recent research and as usual, add my own ideas about healing. Our listener email for this week – or basically another listener email! – is from a young woman who asks what the relationship is between perfectionism and social anxiety and she’s struggling with her progress not going faster – as she says she wants to get “rid” of her anxiety. BetterHelp is sponsoring this podcast today – and I’ve been made very aware during the pandemic (because I myself moved to only doing virtual work) how convenient and effective virtua

Here's today's You Get The Gist!  If you’ve been watching March Madness recently, hopefully you’ve seen the new commercials, sponsored by Powerade, supporting the power of pause. They feature premiere such as Simone Biles, Premier League soccer manager Antonio Conte and Olympic Gold diver Tom Daley as they take pause to relax and enjoy unexpected hobbies. Also featured are former NBA stars Chris Webber and Jason Williams. Let me quickly say that I have no relationship with Powerade; my fascination is with the power of this campaign – not only for athletes but for driven perfectionists  - no matter what their field. “I’ve come to recognize the power of the pause and the Powerade brand’s campaign is a timely reminder to take a moment when we need it—whether for a deep breath, a timeout or even a season out,” Biles said in a statement. “We push ourselves hard physically and emotionally to achieve our dreams but if we are not our best mentally, then we are not maximizing our full potential. I want to help

  This question came up in a couple of scenarios this week. So, I decided to go with the synergy of that and focus on the decisions surrounding self-revelation - or telling your story. Here's the question: “How do I talk to someone about what’s really going on with me? I’m scared they’ll feel like I’m dumping on them, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Or even worse, I’m scared they’ll take it on like it’s their problem.” I know some of you rarely if ever do that; some of you may do it too much. So, what’s a middle ground? How can you filter your own need to be listened to, to be understood, so that you set up a situation where you get what you want and need?. Or for those of you who stay completely away from sharing parts of your story, how can you begin to do it at all?? The listener email is from someone who saw my Pinterest feed – and more specifically the pin on PHD – took my questionnaire and was shocked by her score. So ,what should or could she do now? This is a question I get a lot so wanted to bring

A.A. Milne's character Winnie the Pooh -  Eeyore - the droopy eyed donkey who Winnie loves, has many famous quotes. But this is one of my favorites, especially when thinking about how to work through disappointment. "Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." Disappointment is something we all have to work through. Yet it’s important to know that you can do it - because it's one of those things that happens to everyone. Something you thought would happen, had counted on and put energy into  - won't happen. And that hurts. So in today's episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll offer seven steps to do just that. What are they? Grieve first. Start getting perspective right off the bat. Consider and acknowledge what your own part and what you were disappointed in is or was. That's utilizing your internal locus control. Acknowledge what you couldn't control, utilizing your external locus control.  Build back your energy, enthusiasm by choosing to do things that will bring

Today's episode is full of wonderful email questions from four of you and my answers! We'll cover someone who identifies with perfectly hidden depression and is doing trauma work... but things seem to be getting harder, not easier. Is that normal? A second listener writes in about how difficult it is for her to change habits - and down the rabbit hole she goes, into an emotional space she hates but somehow can't seem to avoid. So how to stop that? The third question is from a woman whose mom was narcissistic, and she's realizing that she was drawn to partners who also had narcissistic traits. Why does this happen? And fourth, a listener's mom seems to have borderline traits, and doesn't realize the negative impact of her actions and behaviors on others. So the question is how to go forward setting boundaries - and I have two ideas of how she could proceed. Lots of great topics! So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I'll offer my ideas to all four listeners - and am so g

I loved this review of Talya Miron-Shatz' new book Your Life Depends On It (certainly an attention-catching title!) “People who expect to stay healthy forever need not read this wonderful book.  The rest of us should.  With a fine combination of humor, compassion and vast knowledge, Talya Miron-Shatz offers clear and useful guidance for the hardest decisions of life.”  Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman. I'll add my own humble praise for her work, for as I read, I remembered all the times I'd fumbled around at a doctor's office, forgetting to ask what I really needed to ask, even forgetting some important detail of what exactly was wrong! So I was eager to bring you her work, as literally your life may depend on it. She gives all sorts of great information in her book and in this interview, but she also offers the three most vital questions to ask you medical practitioner. A great thing to know! Her uncommonly broad perspective has crystalized into a worldview that sees health as a joint venture b