Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

I’m so delighted to be back with you in 2022! Happy New Year to all of you as we continue to work for you here on the podcast! We are growing by leaps and bounds so a huge thank you to all of you who’ve been sharing and telling your friends about your experience. Please subscribe wherever you listen and my immense gratitude to any of you who’ve left a review or rating! That lets people know we’re still pumping it out and giving SelfWork listeners what you want and need and enjoy! And I’d welcome more questions! You can use the Speakpipe app in the show notes below or email me: askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com. This listener left a written review: “I do love listening to this podcast because it helps me feel more “normal” in my depression, anxiety, trauma. I’m 41 years old and I recognize that something is not right with me , but I bottle it up and shove it away! Thanks for sharing your experiences and help!” So today, we’re going to focus on learning how to soothe yourself - and not to bottle it up and

Here's our last Second Time Around until we're back in the saddle in a few days! And we're so looking forward to what's ahead in 2022! What's a trauma bond? How does it form? Why is it important for that dynamic to have its own label or name? Trauma bonding happens when trust is highly manipulated; when commitment and trying to make a relationship work is used against someone as a way to keep them in denial or disbelief that a relationship is harmful to them. I’ve been there. I still have never revealed all that happened in that relationship; so much of it is now such clear abuse, I’m flabbergasted I didn’t see it for what it was. But I didn’t. Until I did. Our listener email for today is from someone who wants some answers about enmeshment and what she terms “covert narcissism” – It sounds like she’s the daughter and feels enmeshed or has been told perhaps she’s enmeshed with him. It’s very much like our topic so I thought it meshed well with the topic. So please get comfortable and liste

Hello and welcome again to SelfWork! We've got one more week until we're back live!  But I've chosen some of the most popular episodes to listen to a second time around! And of course, today's episode is one very close to my heart. What’s the difference, or is there one, between Perfectly Hidden Depression and what’s called high-functioning depression? I’m particularly motivated – in fact very sadly motivated – to talk about it because of an email I received this week from a woman whose husband killed himself. He was in his early 40’s. And no one could believe it. He had a perfect-looking life. Children he loved, a career he felt excited about, friends and family that loved him. Yet he couldn’t communicate his darker emotions, emotions that would lead him to suicide. We’ll talk about the difference – and why that difference matters. In fact, why that difference has to be understood. The listener email will feature the woman who wrote me about the sudden suicide of her husband, and I’ll answer

Starting off in a new year, knowing it'll be filled with both challenge and celebration, it helps to think you have a solid partnership in your life. But if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, facing a new year can be more than daunting and certainly very lonely. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love. Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my b

Here we are on the cusp of 2022! And many of you will be trying once again to have a New Years resolution. I'm not a huge fan of those but building self-confidence would certainly be a worthy one!  In this second time around for this episode, as my team and I take a break during the holidays, I'll tell the story again about a  patient who'd begun to find her own self-confidence when she said, “I realized that what I needed  - I’d had all along. It’s like the ruby red slippers. You simply have to know their power and your own power.” I wasn't able to forget that analogy. We all have the capacity to learn, to understand, to see and to have confidence in ourselves - but we can sabotage and discount our strengths, values, talents, and gut feelings. In this episode, I decided to trust my own red slippers in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, and allow my own mind and heart to create a list of ten things that can build self-confidence - and with humility I bring it to you. The listener email is

This is our second "Second Time Around" SelfWork episode as the team takes the holidays off (and I work on Book #2!) I loved this series on the most recent research on depression and what it indicates are the diverse potential sources or "reasons" for someone to experience depression. These episodes were first recorded in 2019 so the information was the newest I could find then... What I will say is that the research I've seen since have been further evidence that depression is NOT simply a chemical imbalance. I'll also reference a recent conversation I had with neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf as to her most recent research and what it shows, as well as another episode that feature the most recent findings in gut research and what it has to do with depression as well! You can click on those links for even more information! In this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, we’ll focus on the  non-neurological things that have a tremendous influence on whether or not you could bec

This is our first "Second Time Around" SelfWork episode as we take the holidays off (and I work on Book #2!) I loved this series on the most recent research on depression and what it indicates are the diverse potential sources or "reasons" for someone to experience depression. This was first recorded in 2019 so the information was the newest I could find then... What I will say is that the research I've seen since have been further evidence that depression is NOT simply a chemical imbalance. I'll also reference a recent conversation I had with neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf as to her most recent research and what it shows, as well as another episode that feature the most recent findings in gut research and what it has to do with depression as well! You can click on those links for even more information! Our listener email today is from someone who actually saw me many years ago, and she asks a question about her marriage and her unhappiness within it, “Does everyone who’s married h

Today, I wanted to take the time before 2021 ends to answer a few more or your email questions. Your questions are so good, it’s hard not to answer them all! Today’s subjects are enmeshment, developing feelings for your therapist, maternal sexual abuse, and getting multiple forms of therapy at once – all great topics in and of themselves. So, lots of diversity in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, or AG1 - and they have a special offer for SelfWork listeners that you can click below! Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the

  Synergy is a strange and phenomenal thing. Like many people around the world, I watched in horror as the US military withdrew from Afghanistan, seeing the frenetic despair of those trying to get out, handing babies over to troops, risking their lives to get to freedom - It was raw fear happening right before your eyes - no matter what your political party or views.  I had no idea how to help.   Only a few days later, I received a request from a Forbes' publicist, asking if I would interview the author of the new and highly acclaimed book, Hear Us Speak: Letters From Arab Women.  Tears came to my eyes; this is what I could do. Suzan “Suzy” Kanoo, one of the most successful female business leaders in Bahrain and one of the top CEOs in the Arab world, is the author. I found her incredibly engaging, smart, and passionate, as I know you will as well. Through a series of candid interviews with women from several countries, including Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Bahrain who have faced the difficult consequences o

  Perhaps one of the most complex concepts in mental health is the concept of choice. More specifically, there’s a huge and dramatic debate over the idea that someone “chooses” depression or anxiety. I myself have panic disorder as many of you know and it riles me up a bit to hear from someone that I chose at one point in my life to shake and sweat, for my heart to race as if I’m facing a monster – when it was simply my turn to introduce myself at a meeting. So on today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens,  we’re going to try to have a reasonable look at choice - choice theory, positive psychology and just how far you should go with the concept of choice in mental health issues and especially, trauma. The listener email today is from a woman who says that she’s dissociated often since childhood and the habit or the tendency is now getting in her way of staying in the present especially when she’s with family.  And she picks her nails when she dissociates so that maybe there’s a clue there! Important

  As a therapist, I’ve been honored by many to try to help them work through their grief. And it can be raw,  cutting off someone’s ability to breathe deeply or feel like they’re even breathing at all. Or want to. But when I met met Leslie Streeter, I knew I had to have her on SelfWork. Her story, told with candor, humor and grit, is about her husband Scott's death when suddenly she was thrust into being a single mom while trying to cope with life and grief. Leslie Gray Streeter is an author, veteran journalist and speaker. whose memoir “Black Widow,” was published in March 2020 by Little, Brown and Company. Until recently, she was the longtime entertainment and lifestyle columnist and writer for the Palm Beach Post. A native of Baltimore, Md and a University of Maryland graduate, she and her work have been featured in The Washington Post, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The Seattle Times, The Atlantic, The Today show, SiriusXM, O, The Oprah Magazine and more. She lives with her son Brooks and her mothe

It’s confession time here at SelfWork. People ask me all the time, “How do you have time for writing?” Or, “How do you come up with ideas?” Well, yesterday I was hitting a blank wall for this episode today. I’d start writing and then figure out I’d already written on the topic. Or I’d start something and talk myself out of it. But then, I decided to do something I did when I was writing the book and hit just as big a wall, if not bigger.  And I’ll offer a dozen things for you to do when you hit your own brick wall. What are a few of those? Acceptance, not catastrophizing or panicking, looking for reasons or a context as to why this particular task or mental problem has so much power, giving yourself emotional space when you're anxious or irritable. You'll have to listen to find out more! I’m always grateful to hear from any of you who write or leave a voicemail. But this voicemail came in last week – and the listener was talking about an interview that I did with Lewis Howes a couple of years ago wher

I have a request to make – and I fully realize how difficult it might be for some of you to consider this. So my request is made very respectfully.. I am writing a second book about the potential dangers of destructive perfectionism, of suppressed emotional pain, of hidden depression – and at its worst and most cruel, how those secrets and despair can lead someone to take their life -  leaving others behind to wonder what was so intolerable. And how they didn’t have a clue that anything was wrong. I’m reaching out to you who may have loved someone who died by suicide – and their life looked not only perfectly normal, but even highly successful. .What I’m asking, for any of you who feel able and ready, is to email me with the stories of your loved ones who died by suicide. Most suicides are shocking of course, although some may occur in the midst of chronic and deepening depression, an illness that feels intolerable or a huge loss of some kind. Those are important stories, but aren’t the ones I would like to f

In today’s episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, I want to talk about borderline personality disorder, but in a different way than I have before on SelfWork.  I’ve mostly written about what it’s like to try to love someone with a serious personality disorder, like narcissism or borderline personality disorders. But today, I want to talk about what it’s like to have borderline traits – and the fears and struggles that come with it. I"ll use two women's stories from my own practice and the work of Rosie Cappuccino, author of Talking About BPD. We'll touch on the differences between borderline and bipolar disorders, and also discuss how the diagnosis of borderline can bring with it judgment from not only the general public, but from the mental health profession. The listener voicemail for today comes from a woman who describes that she has a wonderful life – and that she’s troubled or haunted or saddened or feels guilty (that’s a little unclear) for not loving her mother. And frankly, not even likin

Today’s SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, is all about answering your questions. We’re going to talk about everything from fear of failure (I'll talk about navigating my own failures) to negative forecasting (aka "catastrophizing" (to identifying depression when it’s been all you can remember to what’s termed maladaptive daydreaming. I learn a lot when I research your questions and this episode is full of our learning together. Just yesterday I went to a play called Tiny Beautiful Things – a story about a woman named Sugar who writes an advice column. She mostly uses her own life, which had been hard, as the basis for her answers. I was reminded by how much trust you demonstrate in me to ask me a question. And I’m honored more than you know. Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my pod

There are some people who are both humble and brilliant and Dr. Caroline Leaf is one of those people. She's a world renowned Neuroscientist, mental health and mind expert, bestselling author  of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess and host of Cleaning Up The Mental Mess podcast. In this episode, we have a fascinating conversation about the mind-brain connection and how this plays into mental health, how our minds differ from our brains  - and why learning the difference is important for self-regulation and SelfWork. Dr. Leaf also teaches listeners how to foster and cultivate the power of their own thinking and direct their own brain changes by providing a simple five-step roadmap to create sustainable, true change. Her technique, what she calls mind-management, helps facilitate talk between the conscious, the subconscious, and the nonconscious mind. And she’s definitely into “what you can do about it.” Dr. Leaf defines five steps that, when followed closely, can get brainwaves flowing in a healthy way, optimizi

Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus on what psychologists call "a solid sense of self" - which is a little jargonistic for me. First we'll touch on the huge difference between codependence and interdependence, with the latter being so important in the development of trust and cooperation. Then we'll move onto the issue of hanging on to your sense of "being you" while in a relationship. You certainly don't do that in a codependent relationship but you can in an interdependent one. And to make it even more accessible, I've broken down this whole solid sense of self concept into five components. Know what you value about yourself - your strengths - and claim these competencies with humility. Use your voice to state what you think , what you expect and what you want -  and then to compromise. Expect others to respect your boundaries. Take responsibility for your own vulnerabilities and the impact they might have on others. Seek relationships where

We’re going to talk about what I term a "trilogy of trouble" today, or basically how jealousy, envy and possessiveness can sabotage a relationship or commitment. This can happen in personal as well as professional relationships, but we're mostly focused on personal aspects of the trio of trouble. Jealousy can emerge from fear and it can emerge from resentment. So, how do you tell if it's justified or completely unjustified? We'll talk about that and more, such as how you can learn from these feelings if you don't react to them and act in hurtful ways. In fact, we're going to hear from fellow psychologist and podcaster  Nick Wignall, another psychologist and podcaster about how the "story" you tell yourself about your feelings can exponentially increase the likelihood of creating more chaos. The listener voicemail is about forgiveness of someone who’s cut you out of an inheritance – one that sounds as if it could’ve been fairly large. We don't know a lot of facts, so I&#

Today's You Get the Gist is a short bow to my own aging process - as today is my birthday! It became clear to me last week that when someone is using such figures as Colonel Sanders to encourage you to keep on keeping on - something has shifted! lolol.. So I looked for stories of very cool people that had done just that - and I found the awe-inspiring Virginia Oliver as my next role model. Here's her story and a poem I love, written by Scottish poet Jenny Joseph when she was only 29 years of age. I've always loved it and hold it now even closer to my heart. Warning By Jenny Joseph When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I’m tired And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells And run my stick along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers

I truly can't express how I feel about SelfWork being alive and well and celebrating its 5th anniversary! I couldn't do it without the listeners, the commenters, those who've emailed, those who've left ratings and reviews, those who listen week after week - or those of you who drop in from time to time. All of you are important, in fact vital. I’ve never experienced anything like it. And I hopefully humbly want to thank you for showing up. Some weeks are hard than others to pull together an episode. Each one of them takes anywhere from 4 to 6 hours to write and then time to record, send to John Crowley, my audio engineer, for editing. Then he sends it back to me. And I listen again. Then Christine Mathias, my go-to person for so much makes the graphic – sometimes edits what I write for the show notes. Reminds me of some scheduling issue or another. Gets the episodes in the weekly newsletter. Sends that out. It’s a true team effort. And I’m so lucky to have these talented people on that team. I