Unhireable

Beloved friends of the show, musical theater influencers (redacted) and (redacted), join us for 8 minutes of almost-conversation before getting triggered and leaving. Then join us for a chill 45 of wtf just happened! Are they THE WORST?? Are WE the worst? So far it’s 2-2 us-them WORST. Make sure you @ us and break the tie!!

Is America’s batshit aunt Roseanne fucked forever after that dumb racist tweet? Is cancelling a human being a great idea or really fucking evil? Can Roseanne ever rebrand? Did we not see this coming from her ICONIC national anthem debacle? Do you cancel your family when they say dumb racist shit? And last but not least, is the real problem the cancelled or the CANCELLER? (Tommy & Keren argued about the spelling of "cancelled"; Keren won, but whose side are you on?)

Wtf happened on last week’s Race Wars?? Is Milo an ANYHOLE™ or a NEVERHOLE™? Was he right about reparations? Is Trump gonna be a reparations president to spite literally everyone? Does it even matter if we don’t fix our prisons? Daddy Doug, Brandon Collins and Jabari Brisport help us solve race and Milo but we do most of the work!!!

Tommy is surrounded by JEWS (Dani Zoldan, owner of Stand Up NY and Raanan Hershberg, comic) and throws everyone into an Israel hole, blames them, and screams until they change the subject. Dani launched an online comedy class, and teaches us that a tight 5 means a short set and not your fisting hand. Is comedy is an apocalypse career? Is Trump is a global warming president? Was Raanan’s first beej his best beej? In conclusion, HOLOCAUST!

ANYHOLE™ Michelle Wolf turned bombing in front of our nation’s most annoying audience into the best part of her set and for that we offer up all of our holes. Also! Daddy Doug makes the case for not throwing people in the garbage, a Tiffany Maples Trump is a sex act, and lastly, the way a Jew screws Tommy is NOT the same as how Tommy screws a Jew!

Are our minds as closed as our buttholes? Are we all a bunch of default no’s? Will we ever get the Puritan stick out our asses? How come Kanye’s cancelled but Mel Gibson isn’t? How do we shame people the right amount when online shame shames on forever?

Friend emeritus of the show Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez gives us #arsongoals!! Plus, is #Beyoncé Queen Bey, or is she a capitalist (we refuse to say the C word about Queen Bey)

Time Out NY’s David Goldberg once ranked us 11th out of 13 best pods, but that’s because he misspelled 1! Can the New York market only sustain so many gays, queers and bitches? How many yaaaaassssses were torn from the lips of Ru Paul? Are true New Yorkers amphibians (hybrid switchy toppy bottoms)? There’s only one way to find out!!! Tell us what you think @unhireableshow!

What silent billionaire money created the Parkland Spice Kids? And how are we co-creating them?? Listener and stable genius social policy researcher Doug brings it back to the real gun epidemic and how to make it change. @ us @unhireableshow!!

School shootings are creating uncomfortable kid celebrities: agree or secretly agree?? Pls @ us. Research suggests that New Yorkers are lil Machiavelli sociopath narcissist cunts, but in a good way! It's science. PLUS Tommy is clearly a racist, and yet everyone agrees that Keren is a racist.

Heterosexual Eli Sairs is the champ! Tommy and Champ grew up under football supremacy, which is a kind of violence. Something’s different about Keren, but what??? Everyone agrees that Oscars are gay football, and no one disagrees that fag don’t sag

Pantsless friend of the show Chrissie Mayr’s best abortion years are behind her! Some things are just meant to (Plan) B. Public fisting inspired Chrissie to do comedy, and alleged power bot-Tom Brady inspires everyone to get to fucking!

Dear friend of the show Chandler had her FIRST abortion last week, accompanied by Keren. Keren is a hero and brave! SPOILER: everyone agrees that life starts at conception, and that abortion is murder

Listener Michael Zakaim joins us at Tommy’s home for a beautiful ep and now Tommy has to move. Tommy TIME’S UPs Top Chef season 1 winner Harold Dieterle and his former business partner Alicia Nosenzo, proud failed restaurant owners, for fucking their employees out of money but continuing to enjoy a life of luxury and retweets from Andy Cohen. All 3 are OF COURSE welcome on the show any time.

Amini is a FULL HALF TONGAN OLYMPIC ATHLETE y’all!!! DID YOU KNOW that Olympians are stressed out nerds who are NOT fucking??? In other news, Rose McGowan is both a mess and a friend of the show, and The Hillary is irl Tracy Flick. 🇺🇸

It’s all sperm jokes and contact high until Tommy kicks off a race war by screaming Trump at people. Are white people full of shit and excuses? Are black people too triggered? Are you TEAM WHITE or TEAM BLACK? Jk lol!! We’re all on one team, and that’s team LET’S FUCK.

We watch the ICONIC State of the Union on mute, which is the only correct way to watch it. Pockets has had a #metoo life of crack and murder and currently manages a halfway house, which is a terrifying house full of felons. Keren and Pockets get into their roast battle; everyone makes a heartfelt wish to god. Amen.

Michael is an anarchist, which means he doesn’t believe in telling people what an anarchist is. Tommy bravely explains why his working legs refused to carry him into Night for Freedom while he and Michael have a dick-measuring contest (Keren won)

Remember the cruel, unwinnable 90s?? Remember when all clothes had 4 corners? Remember when Tori Spelling was so hot it upset people? Us neither!!!! We’re sooooo young!!!!!

Oprah wins Queen Bitch and Hillary is defeated!! Meanwhile, everyone’s getting #metoo’d by #metoo, Tommy has crabs, and we rank the ME TOO SUPERSTARS of the Golden Globes. Who is YOUR #metoo breakout star of 2018? Tell us @unhireableshow!!!