What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

We asked all of you on the show and on Facebook to tell us the small changes you’ve made in your lives (as parents and as, you know, just actual people) that have turned out to make a big difference. This episode is full of game-changing ideas for your home, your school mornings, and your sanity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We won’t lie to you- we probably spend more time than we should thinking about what we weigh. Which is, admittedly, variable. But while we think about what we weigh plenty when we’re unhappy with what the scale says, we spend even more of our bandwidth on it in order to get to the number we have decided is arbitrarily acceptable (and then fight a losing battle to stay there).  Something’s not right about that. But we suspect we aren’t alone— especially among mothers, who have seen our bodies change forever with pregnancy and childbirth, and then never quite change back.   What if we didn’t care? Okay: what if we cared just a little bit less? In this episode we talk about feeling good, and looking good, and how to maybe put a little bit of daylight between the two.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Per the Cambridge Dictionary, to bicker is “to argue about things that are not important.” Bickering is therefore unproductive by design- and as any parent can tell you the more trivial the thing their kids are arguing about, the more frustrating it is for a parent to listen to.  So why do our kids bicker so incessantly? Are they actually intending to drive us batty, or is there more at work? And if parents are supposed to “just ignore it” until three seconds before the face-scratching starts, how can we sense the perfect moment to intervene?  Professor Laurie Kramer, director of the Family Resiliency Center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, says siblings bicker because they can: “These are very safe relationships for children, so they feel they can argue and express their feelings without significant repercussions.” Margaret says it’s important to remember: we are the mediator, not the judge. Margaret’s father, who *is* a judge, would recite “Children Should Not Disagree,” a poem written b

We’ve all done things as parents that, looking back, we can’t believe. Sometimes they are supermom-type accomplishments that defy easy explanation: did I really have three kids in diapers at the same time? Did I really get through airport security with those same three children, and unassisted?   Then there are the decisions that in retrospect seem foolish at best: did I really wake a sleeping infant every three hours? Did I also make a tiny sign to hang from the car seat, reminding strangers to wash their hands, as if it were a cartoon speech bubble coming directly from my baby’s mouth?   We asked our listeners for their “did I really do that?” moments and got plenty of each version. In this episode we put them all on the table– and also interview two women who may or may not have done a few silly things themselves: Amy’s mom and Margaret’s Aunt Terry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It’s the battle of the calendars! Margaret swears by her hardcover Book of Meg, but tends to forget a birthday party once in a while. Amy swears by her online systems, until her phone takes the initiative of entering an event in Greenwich Mean Time. Neither system is perfect, but which is better? In this episode, we talk strategies for managing our families’ busy lives- and for handing at least some of that responsibility back to our kids.  For a personalized, hardcover Book of Meg with the exact kind of pages she wants inside, Margaret uses Erin Condren Life Planners. For keeping the two hundred things she needs to remember later in a findable place, Amy uses two apps on her desktop and phone: Evernote and Workflowy. Kimberlee over at The Peaceful Mom has a great how-to post for Evernote newbies here, and Workflowy has an introductory video here. Other takes on this topic we mention in this episode: Michael Grothaus for Fast Company: What Happened When I Ditched My Smartphone for a Paper Planner Ferris Jabr

Getting our kids to talk to us is never easy (unless we’re standing with car keys in hand, front door ajar, 15 minutes late for an appointment). Based upon empirical evidence, “How was school today?” is the most annoying question a mom could ever ask. So why bother trying?  Because Jennifer Kolari, author of Connected Parenting: How to Raise a Great Kid, says getting our kids to open up is part of our job description: It’s our job as parents to help our kids sort through and process the things that happen to them during the day. “They don’t have the higher-order thinking to do it on their own yet. In this episode we lay out what gets our kids to talk– at every age and stage. Margaret says you have to “talk the talk that arrives.” But Amy comes at it armed with research; if her ninth-grader wants to talk NBA draft, she’s ready to lean in. Both of us plan to work on what Marie Roker Jones calls “listening with the intent to understand.” Here’s links to some research and hilarious takes on this topic that we

What’s the best mom advice you ever received? We asked our listeners and got a wide range of responses. Some aimed for the eternal perspective:  The days are long, but the years are short.    Some were more practically applicable:  Don’t ever bring a vomiting child into your bed.  (Truer words were never spoken, Stacy.)  In this episode break down the best advice we ever received for parenting babies, toddlers, kids and teens. Here’s one essay we reference in the episode:  Jenny Anderson for NYT’s Motherlode: Seeing Tantrums as Distress, Not Defiance Thanks to everyone who contributed their mom words to live by! Announcing our next live show! What Fresh Hell is coming to The Theater at North in Scranton, PA (Amy’s hometown) on Thursday, April 19th. The performance is a benefit in memory of Lindsay Doherty and will benefit the St. Joseph’s Center Baby and Children Pantry (one of Lindsay’s favorite causes). Join us for a night of many laughs and a celebration of Lindsay’s life! Tickets are available here.     

Musical instruments: must our children either be tied to a piano bench or forgo their dreams of the Ivy League? Must we battle with our children daily to make them practice, and then have to listen to fifteen minutes of what sounds like a dying moose?  Experts say childhood exposure to musical instruments relieves stress (theirs), tones the brain for auditory fitness, even lowers kids’ risk of dementia seventy years hence. While that’s certainly playing the long game, all of our kids play instruments, and we’re here to tell you why yours should at least give it a shot. At least the recorder. Sorry about that. Here’s links to research and further reading we discuss in this episode: a picture of a bass clarinet, which Margaret promised as a visual appendix to her story of Clarice, the clarinetrix sports coach Bruce Brown’s terrific advice on the only thing you need to say after watching your kids perform: “I Love To Watch You Play” the Tiger Mom article that started the backlash against making kids spend three

Are audio books cheating? Must every book our second-graders read feature Poopy Man and The Toilet King? Are reluctant readers doomed to fall behind their peers? Will Margaret or Amy ever read anything other than their Facebook feeds ever again?  This episode is full of ideas to get everyone in your family reading– plus books your kids will drop everything to read.  We love this “book traps” idea from our listener Nicole:    Find books in the library that seem like they might be irresistible to your child and place them strategically around the house so that your child stumbles upon them and feel like reading them was their own idea.    What about audiobooks? Is it counterproductive to let kids who struggle with decoding listen to their books instead? Jamie Martin, assistive technology consultant for understood.org, says no:  Listening to audiobooks isn’t “cheating.” The main purpose of reading is to get information. It doesn’t matter what path that information takes to reach the brain. Here’s some resource

We’d all love a school morning where everyone gets out the door without Mom yelling or feeling stressed. And by “all” we mean all mothers. Our children seem blithely indifferent to all the hollering and pleading and bargaining we do each morning in order to make the bus– which means each day we have to do a little more of it. Good times.  Leigh Anderson puts it this way, for Lifehacker Offspring: “Getting kids out the door in the morning can go one of two ways: They wake up early and then dawdle, forcing a last-minute scramble, or they wake up late, forcing a last-minute scramble.” In this episode we talk about what works to get the kids moving and in charge of their own schedules. We love Leigh’s idea of creating a morning playlist: if “Yellow Submarine” is on, it’s time to be tying your shoes. Our other favorite tip– keep another set of toothbrushes in the downstairs bathroom!– is from Carolyn Dalgliesh’s book The Sensory Child Gets Organized. Here’s other tricks and tips we discuss in this episode: Amy u

Are your child’s most annoying traits disconcertingly familiar, because they are also your own? And are those qualities- anxiety, competitiveness, impatience, even hatred of loud chewing- baked in the cake? Or have our children learned how to be impossible simply by living with us?  Ellie Grossman says when our kids are driving us nuts, it’s always best to look within for answers: The trick is to find our child’s greatest strength hidden inside his or her worst quality. The first step is to look at ourselves in the mirror. Where do you think our child’s mishegas comes from in the first place? Keeping this in mind, we also love Wendy Mogel’s writing about the “yetser hara,” that part of all children’s personalities that is both the source of all parental exasperation and the essential spark of our children’s greatness. Read more here: Emily Bazelon for The New York Times: So The Torah is a Parenting Guide? Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Timeless Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children S

Mean girls: they’re a thing, and sometimes it’s *our* girls being the bullies. Experts agree that girls exhibit “relational aggression” more than boys do, and girls are also more deeply upset by it. Even more worrisome: mean-girl behavior used to start in junior high; now it starts in pre-K. Fear not: we’ve got tons of useful advice in this episode, particularly in our interview with Katie Hurley, author of the just-published book No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls. There is hope! As Katie explained: “Our daughters are not destined to repeat the things that happened to us… especially if we are talking to them about being empathic and being compassionate.” Start sooner than you think: Katie says the sweet spot for impacting your girl’s friendship skills is ages 8-10. Here’s links to some other research and resources discussed in this episode: A Way Through, a site created by female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner, helps girls in grades K – 8

What makes a “go-to dinner”? One pot is good. 30 minutes or less is better. But we’ll use every cookie sheet and pot in the house if it’s 1) not pizza and 2) all of our kids will actually eat it.  Here’s links to all of our own go-to recipes that we discuss in this episode, plus the ones our listeners swear by:  Margaret’s Go-To Dinners  Beef Empanadas (use refrigerated pie crust for the dough) Green Soup (Margaret adds chicken) Slow Cooker Pork Shoulder Savory Muffins and, believe it or not, Lobster Thermidor (Lego Batman’s favorite, natch) Amy’s Go-To Dinners Roasted Broccoli with Shrimp (ten minutes, one pan. If you don’t have the spices, skip em.) Sheet Pan Fajitas Taco Night (this is a super-easy recipe from Laura Fuentes) Our Listeners’ Child-Approved Meals Rebecca’s Loaded Potato Soup Mollie’s Chickpea Tikka Masala Diane’s Asian Noodles (kudos to this brilliant bit of improvisation): and Nancy’s Spanish Rice (thanks, Amy’s mom!) Here’s some of our favorite places to get go-to dinner inspiration : A

One day out of school? Fine, here’s the remote. But by day four of a low-grade temp— just enough to keep the kid home— most parents get rather desperate for ideas. We are both unfortunate experts on the topic of kids’ sick days, and in this episode we discuss    what you should already have around the house in anticipation of those “Mommy, I don’t feel well” moments  how to decide if your kid is really sick enough to stay home  why sick days are not the time to introduce a new skill  how kids will act better before they report feeling better  why even sick days need a semblance of a schedule  the importance of “blank-facing”  and why we must always beware secondary gain. Here’s links to some research and articles with great ideas for sick-day kids that we discuss: Devon Corneal for Real Simple: 16 Clever Ways To Entertain a Child Who’s Home Sick Parenting Magazine: Activities for Kids on Sick Days Stephanie Morgan for Momtastic: 10 Activities When Sickness Has You Stuck At Home Carrie McBride for Apartment T

Have you a short fat dictator in your home? Do you cower before a 24-pound child demanding pizza– no, not THAT kind of pizza! the other kind, the kind she likes NOW, which apparently has neither sauce nor cheese?  What is *UP* with toddlers?  In this episode we discuss    * why toddlers’ tantrums may have, at least at one time, been biologically necessary  why taking your toddler’s french toast sticks away makes him feel like he’s suddenly swimming alone in open ocean  how expecting a toddler to be “magically cute” is extremely problematic  why, if you really must ice-skate with a toddler, you must always, always take your own skates off first    And here’s links to some fascinating research, helpful tips, and funny toddler stuff we reference:  Kate Gammon for Popular Science: Birth Of Memory: Why Kids Forget What Happened Before Age 7 Patrick Sauer for Fatherly: What’s Going On Inside A Toddler’s Brain, According To Science Alison Gopnik’s TED talk: What Do Babies Think? Mo Willems and his perfect descripti

It’s a new year, and we’ve got goals. Some of them are perhaps the same as last year, but Margaret says that 2018 is all about Widening the Window of Acceptability. Isn’t that a lovely notion? If redefined to include regular ambulatory activity, “get in shape” might indeed be something we accomplish this year. Either way, we are here to *win 2018*, whether through Amy’s Word For the Year (“Clarify”) or Margaret’s Phrase For These Times (“Say Yes to Less”). In this episode we both agree to avoid the Cookie Committee, or whatever it is we really don’t want to get roped into this year, by taking Brené Brown’s advice of choosing discomfort over resentment. Here’s what else one or both of us hereby swears to do on the record in this episode: * read more books (Margaret says she’ll read 30 in 2018) * drink two glasses of water with lemon every morning (okay this one might be just Amy) * meditate * organize kid-free time * soften into with-kids time * dock our phones in the kitchen at night Here’s links to some ot

“What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood” is a hilarious podcast exploring the joys and challenges of parenthood and adulting in general. Join hosts Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables as they navigate motherhood, careers, relationships, and the ever-changing landscape of women’s lives with a little research, a big dose of relatable stories, and a whole lot of laughter. “What Fresh Hell” is a Webby-honored podcast with 12 million downloads and hundreds of episodes. Use the search function in the upper-right corner to find the topics you want to hear more about. From toddlers to teens, from toxic positivity to rejoining the workforce, we’ve talked about it. Listen to "What Fresh Hell" wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 This week’s *bonus* episode is a recording of our first live show! On December 1st, more than four hundred of you showed up at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center for “What Fresh Hell LIVE!” A few brave husbands were also in attendance; they were moved to the safety of the “Men Pen” for their own protection. (Scotch was served.) The show was such a hit that we can’t wait to do it again. So we are now booking dates for 2018! We’re talking local theaters, school groups, PTAs, fundraisers, moms’ nights out. If you’d like to talk to us about bringing What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood to come to your hometown in 2018, drop us an email at info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com. Special thanks to SheBee Jewelry, the sponsor of our very first What Fresh Hell LIVE! SheBee jewelry adds a touch of chic to elevate the everyday. Get a little something for your mom, your sister, your babysitter– or get some ideas for your own letter to Santa– at shebee.com and get 15% off with code FRESH. Thank you to Chad David