What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

 A couple weeks ago we asked all of you to tell us what’s keeping you from being your happiest mom selves. There was a clear number one answer. Here’s how listener Colleen put it:    I think I struggle most with time management. There are only so many hours in the day and I want to do it all. I am a part-time health coach working for myself, but honestly not working a lot right now because I feel pulled in a hundred different directions as a parent. I really just wish for more hours in the day.    Even with the best of intentions, we all sometimes end up freaking out about how much we have to do— and therefore doing nothing at all, frozen in place like the dog in David Lynch’s comic strip The Angriest Dog in the World (which also handily serves as Margaret’s #oldilocksalert for this week). In this episode we talk about the ways we manage our time to work smarter, like Workflowy (use our link to get the first 250 items free) Self Control app or the Chrome extension Block Site Laura Vanderkam’s books and 168 Ho

Ask any parent: 5 to 8 p.m. is the hardest time of day. When kids are little, the toddler’s melting down because she skipped his nap at the same time her baby brother begins observation of his daily “witching hour.”  When kids are big, you need to get them three places at the same time while also being home to make dinner— and then make sure everyone gets to bed on time (kidding, that is seriously never going to happen).  If it makes you feel any better, there’s a reason kids save up their worst behavior for their home environment. Parenting expert and educator Andrea Loewen Nair calls what happens between pickup and bedtime “after school restraint collapse.” As Ms. Nair explains: It takes a great deal of energy, mental motivation, emotional containment, and physical restraint to keep ourselves at our best for other people while at work, daycare, or school. There’s the rub: Mom and Dad are also exhausted from a full day of behaving like a normal human being for the rest of the world. No wonder this time of

What’s the right number of kids? For most of us (at least most of the time) it’s the number we actually have. Here’s how our listener Mahima put it:  “as many babes as you are blessed with is the perfect number.”  Still, it’s a question we ask ourselves at many times throughout our lives, before and after we become parents, and there are many factors which play into the decision— like money. Here’s a sobering statistic: a 2015 report by economists at the US Department of Agriculture estimated that middle-income married-couple family will spend $233,610 from birth through age 17 on child-rearing expenses.  Per child.  Not including college.  (Editor’s note: Amy was also going to put up a link to their “Cost of Raising a Child Calculator” but Margaret has forbidden it on the grounds of it being too depressing.) But finances aren’t the only consideration, and families of each size have distinct benefits (and okay, a couple of drawbacks). In this episode we discuss:    all the things we (and our listeners) consid

If you’ve got kids, you’ve got too much stuff. Here’s how our listener Holly put it:  “With kids, there is truly no end to the influx of toys, keepsakes and clothes coming in, plus things they’ve outgrown that need to go out.  My three kids range in age from one to nine years old, and I struggle with what items to save for the baby to grow into. Do I really want to hold onto pajamas for him to grow into six years? The sentimentality of it all weighs on me, too.  The constant mental space this process consumes is definitely my biggest consistent downer as a mom.”  Fear not: we are here to help! In this episode we discuss    why it can be actually, physically painful to throw things away  why decorative baskets are actually the worst  why the giveaway and hand-me-down bins should be right in your kids’ closets  the unpronounceable but useful “RFASR” declutter formula why sentimentality is in the eye of the beholder Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most of us would like our kids to express— and feel— more gratitude. But yelling “There are children in India who don’t even have XBoxes!” doesn’t seem to be sufficiently getting the message across. Kids are kids; they lack perspective by definition. Practicing gratitude means having the ability to imagine a reality other than one’s own, and that might take a while. Researchers Blaire Morgan and Liz Gulliford explain it this way in their book Developing Gratitude in Children and Adolescents: It is largely agreed that gratitude is not inbuilt; instead it develops over time, as certain capacities become available and cognitive abilities mature… it requires a great deal of practice. Still, gratitude really matters, and our kids having that skill isn’t just about bonus parenting points for us. Our children will have better lives if they’re more grateful. Seriously, studies. Parenting expert Jennifer Wallace says gratitude creates “an upward spiral of positive emotions,” and who doesn’t want those? So: until tha

Moms aren’t supposed to struggle; we’re supposed to be benevolent goddesses of wisdom and Hamburger Helper. Our families (kids and yes, our partners too) have an invested need in our seeming safe and together at all times- and so we feel obligated to provide that.  But are we then further contributing to the myth of Mom as infallible, perfect, able to handle it all?  When things get tough, and the facade gets too hard to keep up, should we let our kids in? Or is that burdening them? And what happens when there’s things we really can’t share?  We discuss struggles and the way back with guest Janelle Hanchett, author of the new book I’m Just Happy to Be Here: A Memoir of Renegade Mothering. Janelle’s book explores motherhood from what she calls “a place of deep imperfection,” telling the story of her descent into alcoholism after having children, her separation from them, and their eventual reuniting. Janelle knows from struggle, and here’s one way she suggests we might address tough moments with our kids: “Thi

It’s not your imagination: kids raised in the same family really do push in opposite directions– and we mean POLAR opposites, especially for closely-spaced or same-sex siblings. But why the de-identification? And how is it even possible for kids reared in the same environment to be so completely different?  In this episode we discuss:    the three theories social scientists have about this phenomenon  why siblings may “evolve” like Darwin’s finches  how “the shy one” in a given family may not be that shy at all- except compared to that outgoing sibling  what parents need to watch out for in terms of leaning in to these (sometimes oversimplified) categories    Here’s links to the fascinating research, and stuff that it reminded us of, discussed in this episode:  Alix Spiegel for NPR: Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely Personalities NYT: Each Sibling Experiences a Different Family Dr. Robert Plomin and Dr Denise Daniels: Why are Children in the Same Family So Different From One Another? Dr. Frank Sullaway: Why Si

Is a mother only as happy as her unhappiest child? In our experience, yeah, pretty much. And studies (referenced below) back that up– although they also suggest many parents also derive their greatest happiness from their child-raising.  So how do we separate out our own sense of well-being from our children’s struggles? And in a more everyday sense, how do we find happiness in the daily slog?  We talk it out with guest KJ Dell’Antonia, former lead editor of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog and author of the brand-new book How to be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (Almost) Every Minute. KJ says the key is finding simple, concrete solutions for what isn’t working– and letting go of some of the rest. As KJ puts it: When we’re not putting all our energy into getting our kids to eat and study and do everything exactly the way we want them to, we can put it into a much more positive place. Nobody’s saying that you have to live in denial of your kids’ reality. But we think disenga

How are we supposed to respond when our kids talk back? Some experts say it’s normal child behavior, and as such, we should take a deep breath and ignore it. We say no way. But yelling “How dare you talk to me like that in my house?” isn’t getting us anywhere, either. So what’s the best response?  In this episode we discuss    how our kids’ talking back can really be about underlying anxiety  how talking back is also about who’s in control  how our response is the key to setting ongoing expectations  why it’s harder for us to handle talking back when it happens in public  why Margaret thinks it’s okay if our kids think we’re a little bit like Darth Vader  why Amy says a little Yoda thrown in there might not be the worst idea    We like Dr. Laura Markham’s suggestion for a better thing to say when kids talk back: You can tell me what you’re upset about without attacking me. What’s going on? Even for grownups, there’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being rude. We want our kids to have the a

Once we become parents, there is a great divide— of perspectives, bedtimes, and tolerance of twee photo shoots— between us and our friends without kids. Even the closest of those relationships can suffer as a result. Whose fault that is probably depends on who you’re asking.  In this episode we talk about    how to stay connected with our friends without kids  how to reconnect if we’ve drifted apart  the ways in which our friends with kids do not get it  the ways in which friends without kids do not enjoy being told they don’t get it    Then Margaret talks it out with one of her friends without kids, Candace Feit– documentary photographer, multiple-dog-owner, world traveler, leisurely bruncher. Candy explains once and for all when our friends without kids want to be invited to our kids’ birthday parties and piano recitals, and when they most certainly do not. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

 We asked all of you to tell us the one random thing you can’t live without—whether for your parenting sanity, or just for yourself. In this episode, we discuss the unexpected must-haves that us all going, from grapefruit LaCroix to Target bathing suits.  Here are just a few of the things you might not have thought were that important but which matter entirely:    those packets of desiccant that come in shoe boxes- which Amy used to resuscitate a smartphone that had fallen in the bathtub white vinegar Dunkin’ Donuts unsweetened iced tea (no lemon) white noise machines (for both babies, and the grownups who have gotten too used to listening for them all night) baby carriers (your favorite brands: babytula.com, Ergobaby, and Lillebaby) This episode is full of gee-I-should-try-thats. Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas— even the person who said floss picks. You are heard. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

At school our sons keep it together. At home, flushing the toilet is well beyond their capability. This leads to a litany of “hurry up, put that down, stop doing that, start doing this” from their mothers. But are we too hard on our boys? We had an “aha moment” after reading this question posed by parenting expert Wendy Mogel: What percentage of your communication with your son consists of nagging, reminding, chastising or yelling? We’re going to respectfully decline to answer that question, as is our Fifth Amendment right. But we love Mogel’s solution: Talk to them like dogs. Really. Read the whole article; it’s a real perspective-changer. Mogel suggests that as our children’s lives become more intense and more structured, with ever-increasing homework when they finally get home, our boys are losing their chances to run and bark and chew on shoes (metaphorically). And that that’s leading to all sorts of issues. In this episode we discuss: how studies have proven that we treat infant daughters and sons dif

From giving up the pacifier to memorizing a locker combination, growing up is a series of reluctantly-greeted transitions. The ages and challenges change, but the anxiety produced remains familiar. For us too.   We’re here to tell you that whatever transition you’re shepherding your kid through, this is not forever. This is just right now. Our sons and daughters will not be sucking their thumbs at prom, so long as we parents get just the right amount of not totally over-involved.  In this episode, we discuss     how to practice transitions early and often  why transitions are harder for introverts  the power of magical thinking  the totally wrong time to introduce the big kid bed  how forced transitions can lead to “tensional outlets”   the importance of peer relationships as kids transition to middle school  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

First we’re setting aside our own hopes and dreams to have (and raise) our kids. Then we’re relentlessly mocked (perhaps correctly) for being over-invested in the fourth-grade luau. Are we living through our kids? And how do we stop?  Psychologists have long said that mothers transfer our own unfulfilled ambition onto our children. “Symbolic self-completion theory” suggests that we look to our children as symbols of ourselves, and transfer our ambitions to them— which is why we’re not jealous when they get the big part in the school play; we’re a little too thrilled. Sing out Louise! But as psychologist Wendy Mogel reminds us, our children are not our masterpieces , and pushing them towards our own notions of greatness prevents them from becoming the humans they are meant to be. In this episode we discuss the pitfalls of “achievement by proxy distortion” and how to take a step back if you find yourself a little too enmeshed. Our favorite book on this topic is Leo the Late Bloomer by Robert Kraus, the story of

Before we became mothers, most of us had fairly clear notions of the kinds of parents we wanted to be— and extremely clear notions of the mothers we would not, under any circumstances, ever be.  Our children would eat whatever was on their plates.  Our children would be screen-free until kindergarten.  Our children would never hear anything but their mothers’ most dulcet of tones.  And then we became mothers.  We asked you to tell us the mothers you swore you’d never be— and yet somehow are. (Once in a while.) In this episode we share our own confessions and commiserate with you all.  No food in the living room?  No crying it out?  No plastic toys?  How’d that work out?   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A dad in Bermuda recently joined his young daughter on stage at her ballet recital when she was too frightened to perform. He was carrying another one of their children at the time. Video of that moment went viral, the dad got his own hashtag, and the world stopped to honor his awesomeness. Here’s our question: would a mother doing the same thing have gotten any attention at all? There’s no question that dads get graded on a curve in our society. Times are changing— fathers are now the primary caregiver for about one out of every four preschool-age children, according to the U.S. Census Bureau— but stereotypes die hard. And while we as mothers may grade our husbands’ household contributions against our own, the larger world grades them against the Don Draper-style fathers of yore— which means that any guy wearing a Baby Bjorn gets a ticker tape parade. In this episode we give that notion several eye rolls. Kevin Madsen of the Hey Dad podcast is our guest, and he says dads don’t necessarily love the curved gra

 The biggest drawback to vacationing with kids may be this: wherever you go, your kids will still actually be with you.   But seriously… successful traveling as a family means keeping everyone happy. That doesn’t mean your choice of vacation destination needs to revolve around your kids, but it does mean your expectations for sightseeing or miles logged per day might need to be somewhat flexible. After all, you have even less of an escape from your kids complaining while on vacation than you do when you’re at home.  And despite all the hassles, we both love traveling with our kids. Even when it’s not easy, it’s always worth the journey. So this episode is full of ideas for creating family vacations with appeal for all age groups, whether you’re going across the state or around the world.  We discuss:    the wonders of RV travel  why the anticipation of a trip can be as much fun as the trip itself  the indispensability of Ziploc bags  how older kids will accept sightseeing when it is offered with a tiny side o

We thought it was high time we saluted our own spouses for all the things they do way better than we do. Whether it’s a broken dishwasher, a broken bone, or repeated viewings of some of the worst movies ever made, our spouses do it all. Below, please enjoy some photographic evidence of our spouses showing up and just basically “being game,” which Margaret points out is a thing much to be desired in a life partner.  What are the things your spouse does way, way better than you? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You may think (as both of us once did) that little girls who are all-princess, all the time, are just not that cool. You may have also believed that any daughter of your own would be a far more independent-thinking, overalls-wearing sort of spunkster.   But once that daughter is born, and turns two, and a well-meaning party-goer shows up with something from, say, the Disney Princess Little Kingdom Royal Sparkle Collection? All bets are off. We’re here to tell you that the princess phase, as brief as it is intense, is pretty much unavoidable–or at least it feels that way. And shaming your daughter for falling for all of it may be less than productive. As Peggy Orenstein points out in her book Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture, the princess imperative lines up perfectly with a 4-7 year old child’s “inflexible stage,” where one’s identity as a girl (or a boy) is felt to be actually predicated upon appearing like one. But then it becomes a bait-and-switch t

By the time our kids finish middle school, many will have suffered the sting of being left behind by a formerly “best” friend. Many more will have struggled with how to create some space between themselves and the playmates they have simply outgrown. Lots of kids end up on both sides of that equation (or at least ours have). Neither side is easy– but we’re here to figure out how to make it less painful for all concerned, whichever side our kid is on.  In this episode we discuss:    how not to over-identify with the rejection our kids might feel (as Eileen Kennedy-Moore puts it, “don’t go lioness”) the difference between someone bullying your kid and someone just really, really disappointing her how to support older kids through the heartbreak how best to help our kids when they’re the ones who might need to say “I need more space” Here’s links to some great writing on the topic: Eileen Kennedy-Moore for US News and World Report: 3 Ways to Help a Child Cope With Being Dumped by a Friend Dr. Carl Pickhardt for