What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

Some of the ways we imagined motherhood turned out to be pretty accurate (like how much we’d enjoy Santa Claus back in our lives). But some of it was wayy off base, like how long it takes to lose a muffin top. (It's like the Tootsie Roll Pop question: the world may never know.) In this episode we discuss what lived up to, exceeded, and confounded our mom expectations with special guest Betsy Stover, mom of three boys and co-host of the hilarious podcast Why Mommy Drinks.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether it’s the science fair, the pinewood derby, or a pre-K shoebox diorama, sooner or later every kid gets assigned a school project that is, without question, a PARENTS' project. What four-year-old can fashion her own “Dress As Your Patron Saint” costume? What sixth-grader can attempt proper MLA citation format without extreme maternal participation?  It’s not so much the projects we mind- it’s the feeling that however we handle it, we’re doing it wrong. If we make the origami cranes for the kid, we’re snowplow parents. If we send them in with a social studies project they made entirely themselves out of paper plates and crayons, we also own their cheek-burning shame when their projects pale in comparison to the professionally-produced ones of their peers.  In this episode we discuss how to discern the right amount of help such projects require: not too much, and not too little. Sure, we can help our kids win the battle of the pinewood derby… but we really want to win the war of having our kids who can

In this episode we discuss all the reasons we’ve felt like failures as mothers, why we’re never as hard on others as we are on ourselves, and what we have done to mitigate these feelings of failure in our own lives.    “I feel like I’m failing at parenting fairly often,” our listener Becky wrote when she suggested this topic.  If it makes you feel any better, Becky, you’ve got plenty of company. These self-inflicted guilt trips are nearly universal among mothers. But why? Is it the 24/7 nature of the job? Is it the admittedly high stakes that come from nurturing small humans towards successful adulthoods? Is it our parenting culture, which tells us no matter how much we do, how hard we try, there’s another mother doing it just a little bit better? We think it’s all of the above. We also think talking to other mothers is the best solution. Thanks for being part of our mothering community. Here’s links to research and other writing on this topic discussed in this episode: Regan Long for Motherly: To the Mom W

We asked our listeners to tell us the best relationship advice they've ever gotten- for romantic and platonic relationships both. In this episode, we discuss the advice that has worked best for us in the past- and what we're going to try going forward.  Stuck on what "prioritizing your spouse" really means? Tired of never going to bed angry? Looking for some time-tested fight-avoiding techniques from our listeners' great-grandmothers? You'll find much to think about in this episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Anxiety is a natural response to stress. Sometimes it’s even useful, like when it alerts us to danger. But when anxiety grips our children, they often don’t (can’t) explain how they’re feeling, and their inner turmoil can take over. As psychotherapist Lynn Lyons explains: Anxiety is a normal part of growing, changing and learning. But worry and anxiety can also become powerful and restrictive, disrupting families in ways that lead to avoidance, missed school, outbursts, conflict, and often depression if left untreated. In this episode we discuss coping strategies for all ages and stages how anxiety in children can be easy to miss the negative behaviors anxious kids might exhibit  why letting our kids avoid anxiety-causing situations is counterproductive how anxiety "lives in the future” We also interview Dr. Lisa Damour about her book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. Dr. Damour’s book is full of empathetic insight and useful takeaways for helping our anxious daug

Most people believe middle children are prone to feeling insecure and left out because they get less attention. Their primary emotional state? Jealousy of siblings. Studies show that we think these problems are real and inescapable. A City College of New York study found participants were most likely to use words like “overlooked” to describe middle children— while completely unlikely to use the word “spoiled.”  Psychologist Dr. Alfred Adler first proposed a “middle child syndrome” in the 1920s, and ever since, most of us have assumed the Jan-Brady worst. But Dr. Adler also believed that middle children’s place in the birth order made them “uniquely poised to succeed.” Are we getting it wrong? Are there lifelong benefits for kids who grow up neither the pressured oldest nor the coddled youngest?  In this episode we discuss: “middleborns” vs “classic middles,” and how both are disappearing from the American demographicthe negativity of the “middle child syndrome,” and whether or not it bears outwhy middle chil

Sometimes you gotta consult the experts. We asked our listeners to tell us their best life advice, and as usual, you all delivered! This episode is full of great advice on -making choices -doing what matters -ignoring the haters -and liking ourselves a little better. Join the conversation in our new Facebook group! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When it comes to disciplining our kids, having "the punishment fit the crime” seems like a reasonable goal. But what if the “crime” in question is hitting a sibling?  And what makes a punishment good in the first place? Is our primary goal dissuasion or providing insight? How can our approach to discipline help our children make a better choice next time- even if they’re not worried about being caught? In this episode we talk about what does and doesn’t work for punishing kids of all ages, and discusswhy once you’ve threatened a punishment, you have to follow throughwhy shaming is unproductive (and ineffective)why punishments for younger children need to be “logical and immediate"why punishments for older children need to go beyond taking their phoneswhy, once a kid has served the time for her crime, a parent needs to let it goIn the end, we think punishments work best when we keep our eyes on our longer-term parenting goals: teaching our kids accountability and helping them learn to self-regulate, while also

We asked our listeners to tell us their best tips (and hardest struggles) around returning to the workplace— whether it’s been six weeks, six months, or a few years. Our listener Greta suggested this topic. After three-and-a-half years at home with her child, she "moved across the country, started kid in preschool, and started back at work at the same time.” Dr. Lisa D’Amour says that change equals stress, and if that’s the case… that's a whole lot of change. In this episode we discuss: dealing with the guilt (right or wrong, many mothers feel it)the surprising usefulness of the commutewhy your first day back at work should be a Wednesday the layers of challenge that breastfeeding can add. To those of you about to pump, we salute you. Here’s a link to breastfeeding-at-work rights by statehow to approach your boss about a job share If you’re a mom contemplating a onramping attempt after a quite lengthy stay-at-home gap, we talked about that a little in this episode- and then decided that deserves its own conve

Parenthood is hard. Different stages have different challenges. But there’s one particular phase that is of legendary, Kilimanjaro-climbing difficulty: surviving the first few months as the parent of two children, a toddler and a newborn.  This episode was suggested by Raya, who says:  "At one point I had a newborn and newly-turned-two-year-old. With my husband working seven days a week, I found myself alone the majority of the time with both kids. My kids are now one and three and it is getting easier, but those first eight months where probably the hardest thing I have experienced.” We agree on both counts: it gets easier. It may also be one of the hardest things we ever experienced. But here’s how to get through it! We asked our listeners to tell us their best advice for the toddler/newborn stage, and in this episode we discussthe best gear to have on handthe sanity saversthe things to do ahead of time in the moments you have one or both hands freehow to let people helpthe singular importance of consistent

Entertaining at home is kind of like exercise: you’re so happy that you did it, but that doesn’t stop you from dreading it the next time around. Who should you invite? What should you serve? Will you ever find a playlist that won't unexpectedly veer into gangster rap or Kidzbop?  In this episode we discuss ways to take the stress out of having people over:lowering your standards (okay, easier said than done, but give it a shot)sticking with what works- nail down a few go-to dishes, and then make them every timehaving buffets instead of sit-down dinnershosting potlucks (although Amy claims these can actually be *more* work for the host)figuring out what music you’re going to play before the doorbell ringsAnd here’s some useful links for more ideas- and more reassurance: The Simple Dollar: How to Organize a Cost-Effective and Fun Dinner Party Laura Gaskill for Forbes: 8 Stress-Busting Tips For Hosting Small Gatherings Nancy Mitchell for Apartment Therapy: Why Doesn’t Anyone Have Parties Anymore? Teddy Wayne f

Yikes. Do we really have to have “The Talk”? Yes, we do… and sooner than we’d probably like to think. Studies show that giving our kids appropriate information *before* they need it not only makes them more likely to make good decisions once they become sexually active— it also may delay the age at which such activities will begin.  In this episode we discuss:  the ages and stages of The Talk (a four-year-old gets a different answer than a preteen)why you don’t want your kids’ peers to be the arbiters of this informationwhy there’s not one “talk,” but many (or should be)how to be an “askable parent” why mothers are usually the parents tasked with these conversationshow internet parental blockers can also prevent our kids from seeing useful sex-ed contenthow to punt when you’re caught off guard (which is fine as long as you circle back later)And here’s links to research and studies we discuss in this episode:  John Sharry, Solution Talk: Facts of Life: At What Age Should We Tell Our Children About Sex? Center

New year, new datebook— and some very familiar goals. But this is the year we make things HAPPEN. We’re going to start by taking Jon Acuff’s advice to make our goals smaller- we mean absurdly achievable- and build from there. Acuff studied goal-setting and found that People with smaller goals are 63% more successful. Go big might be a good slogan for a gym wall, but if you really want to win, go small. In this episode we discuss our goals for the coming year, including: * Margaret’s “most massive purge” of her home * Amy’s word for 2019: OPEN * facing our fears * engaging less with our kids when they’re being arbitrarily cranky and challenging * becoming more curious about our spouses’ perspectives * entertaining more * reading more fiction What are your goals for the coming year? Tell us! Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode contains excerpts from our latest What Fresh Hell Live! show, performed at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center in Chappaqua, NY on December 1, 2018. Interested in having What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood come to your town? We book live shows into performing arts centers around the country. We also do smaller custom events for Parents’ Associations and other groups. Drop us a line at info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com to hear more about how you can get our show to your town. Even just telling us there’s interest can get the ball rolling. You can always check out our website (whatfreshhellpodcast.com) to see where we will be appearing next. We’ll be making some 2019 announcements soon! Photo: Chad David Kraus Photography         Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

’Tis the season for traditions— most of them shopped for, planned, and generally upheld by moms. And for some of us, sending 300 holiday cards or creating a new tableau for a six-inch elf every night before bed really gets us in the holiday spirit.  But most of us, at this time of year, have more to do than hours to do it. Many of us think we’re done shopping and only then remember Aunt Doris who is impossible to buy for (and has expressed specific disappointment in gift cards). Many of us have kids at whom we may have raised our voices after the fifth or sixth question about when we were going to make all the Christmas cookies this year.  So we asked our listeners:    What are the holiday traditions that you love and work great for your family? What are the things you’d rather never do again but feel like you can’t stop now?    In this episode, we discuss your responses, plus: how to get out from under the traditions you wished you never started what to consider before letting a new tradition take root (kee

As the days get shorter, and colder, and darker, our listener Tamar suggested we do an episode on “how not to go insane when you can’t go outside.” (If anyone has any ideas for her, please reach out.) Seriously, our energy levels are especially depleted during the winter. It’s science: our bodies get less vitamin D, produce more melatonin (which encourages sleep) and less serotonin (which fights depression). No wonder we all want to put on the fuzzy pants, get under the covers, and call it a day. But we’re parents. Which means that while our own batteries are totally run down, we also have to deal with cranky kids who’ve watched way too many YouTube videos today and we should have gotten them outside but it’s 4:35 pm and it’s as dark as deep space out there and never has bedtime seemed so far away. In this episode we discuss:    the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder— and how to tell if our kids have it too the “exercise effect,” and why we resist exercise just when we need it the most why fresh air is a

Sometimes we lose it. Really lose it. We’re not talking “How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes on” in a slightly elevated tone. We’re talking… well, Dr. Stuart Shanker calls the emotional state in question “red brain,” and you get the picture. When we’re in red brain, yelling can actually feel pretty good. It’s also singularly ineffective. Here’s how Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center explains it: If the goal of the parent is catharsis— I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am— well, yelling is probably perfect. If the goal is to change something in the child, or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that. But clamping down on our anger isn’t effective, either— in fact, studies prove that attempting to do so actually increases our sympathetic nervous system responses and makes us feel more angry. So this is all pretty tricky. But in this episode we discuss: techniques for recognizing red brain before we’re in it why we sometimes

How should we handle group situations where we have different parenting styles? When our particular rules around bedtimes, screens, curfews, or sugar are up against more lax rules (or none at all)?  This topic was suggested by our listener Jessica:    How do you deal with group situations where you parent differently without it causing friendship or family strain? Especially once your kids are old enough to ask why there are different expectations?    Being in close proximity with people who parent differently can make us question how we do it. When other parents have other, looser rules, those of us who are more strict can feel judged. When other parents have firmer rules and tighter structures, those of us who don’t also feel judged.  Meanwhile, our kids are standing there watching us, wondering if we’ll cave and let them stay up until 12:30 just this once or not.  In this episode we discuss:    matters of preference versus matters of philosophy- and how to tell the difference  the importance of offline dis

The word “oversharenting” has been coined to describe those among us who chronicle our baby’s every bowel movement, ascribe hashtags to our preschoolers, and relitigate our tween’s hurt feelings, all of it for universal consumption on social media. For sure, we all know oversharenting when we see it— but most of us are equally certain that it’s really something other parents do. And we’re also fans of all the great, useful, meaningful ways social media keeps us connected. But are we considering the long-term ramifications for our kids’ privacy every time we press SHARE? In this episode we discuss: the “disclosure management work” of making sure loved ones are kept up-to-date on social media- and why it’s usually Mom’s job why we’re not as good at guarding others’ privacy when we post as we are at guarding our own why we’re motivated to share (and overshare) the “clean slate” of our own childhoods versus the extremely well-documented stories we’ve been writing for our kids the best practices we have in place

 We love hearing from our listeners! Your voice mails and emails keep us going… plus you tell us what you want to hear us talk about next. It’s a beautiful thing.  In this episode we answer these three listener questions:    how do you prepare your toddler for the birth of a new sibling?  how do you deal with a particularly fussy baby?  how do you deal with siblings who fight seriously all the time?    In response, you just might hear us discuss   why our anxiety about helping our toddler with a new sibling is probably really about our own anxiety why fussy babies are like the frog from the old Warner Brothers cartoon why siblings close in age are like a dog and a rooster why “face-raking” is a thing even though Margaret has never heard of it how arbitrating a sibling fight is like a lifeguard saving two people from drowning Do you have a topic you’d like to hear us discuss on the show? Go to whatfreshhellpodcast.com and click on the right sidebar where it says “what topics would you like to hear on the sho