What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

Having the same fight doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. But it is totally annoying. In this episode we discuss the modes of negativity at play when we repeat the same conflicts- and what we can do to break the cycle, whether it’s our partners or kids. Conflict may be unavoidable- but it can be at least a little more productive. Here are links to some of the takes on this topic that we discuss in this episode: We The Norths on YouTube: How We Avoid Stupid Fights: The Number System Esther Perel for Cosmopolitan: How to Stop Having the Same Fight With Your Boyfriend All the Time Kristine Fellizar for Bustle: 7 Hacks To Avoid Having The Same Fight Over & Over In Your Relationship Charlotte Latvala for Good Housekeeping: More Fun, Less Fighting Ted Lasso on Apple TV Eckhart Tolle on Oprah Super Sunday: How To Identify And Stop Your Pain Body * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.com/whatfres

This week's parenting question comes from a listener in our Facebook group: I have a clingy 9-year-old. I love her more than life itself, but I am having a hard time with feeling totally smothered. I go for a walk every morning for about 30 minutes (for sanity) and every morning she asks, "How long will you be gone? 30 minutes? Can I come? Pleeease?" I stress the importance of alone time for me and that it makes me a better mama. She watches for me out the window. It's like having a puppy. Yes, it's anxiety related. I had anxiety as a kid and I recognize it, but we are together 24 hours a day and I feel like I'm starting to crack. You're right to suspect that your super-clingy kid is motivated by anxiety. We can meet anxiety with empathy, but we need to beware accommodating it. Don't let those goalposts get moved: a half-hour walk is definitely good, both for your parental sanity and for your kid's realizing she can survive 30 minutes without you. Amy offers a few suggestions that worked with her own clingy

This week we're delighted to be talking to Dr. Edward M. Hallowell– one of the world's leading experts on ADHD. Dr. Hallowell's new book, co-authored with Dr. John J. Ratey, is ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction--From Childhood Through Adulthood. Dr. Hallowell gives us concrete strategies– and tons of optimism– for those lucky enough to possess what Dr. Hallowell calls the "Variable Attention Stimulus Trait." Whether you have a child with ADHD, suspect you might, or even have had some lingering thoughts about your own ability to focus– Dr. Hallowell's cutting-edge research and surprising new strategies will fascinate you. Read the transcript of our entire interview with Dr. Hallowell on our website: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2021/01/dredwardhallowell/ grab your copy of ADHD 2.0 from our Bookshop store: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780399178733 and connect with Dr. Hallowell: https://drhallowell.com * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast

This podcast is always here to support moms in their righteous anger at all the completely infuriating and totally trivial things that people all over the world are constantly doing to annoy us. Usually someone related to us. But this week, we're looking inward– because sometimes we totally annoy ourselves also. In this episode we come clean about the things we do that are so irksome that we even annoy OURSELVES. (And then keep doing them anyway.) We also explore some of the confessions of self-annoyance from some of our listeners, like Alexa, who rarely refills the Brita pitcher and so then has to stand there getting old waiting for her next glass of water; or Rachel, who ruins her own life by only ever pulling out of parking spots in a single direction; or Karen, who loads the kids in the car and then goes back inside to do one more thing and who, for all we know, is still in there doing who knows what. Who knows why we do these things? We see you. We feel your self-annoyance. Special thanks to Heather, wh

Today's question comes from Crystal in our Facebook group (facebook.com/groups/whatfreshhellcast): My six-year-old son is very difficult at the end of screen time. He gets one hour in the afternoon, but always fusses, grunts angrily, or melts down when time is up. I feel like in a normal world, I'd just take screen time away when he gives me attitude. But these days, we are home all the time, and it’s the one thing he enjoys. How do I help him develop the ability to regulate his emotions in this situation? The biggest thing a parent can do to help a child regulate their emotions around transitions is to provide runways. Doing this will ensure that the transition of getting off screens isn't a sudden splash of cold water for your kid. Try using a visual timer - so that kids who struggle with the hypothetical concept of "one hour" can easily see how much screen time they have left. You can also verbally count down the hour by saying "45 minutes left", "30 minutes left," et cetera, but we think it's always bett

Mirna Valerio is a runner, adventurer, speaker, and anti-racism educator. In this Fresh Take interview, Mirna tells us how she fell off the fitness wagon after becoming a mom, how that first mile went once she made herself lace up her running shoes again, and her path to becoming an endurance athlete since then. Even if we’re not all cut out to run 100 kilometers in the desert– or even want to– Mirna tells us why fitness is worth it, and how to reacquaint ourselves with fitness, no matter how long we’ve been out of the game.  “I believe in having the long view. Look, I'm still a big girl. I’m going to be a big girl. But my long view, my overarching goal, is long-term health and wellness. What am I doing to put long-term health and wellness in the bank for later? What am I doing today to ensure that I have long-term health and wellness?” We also discuss how we, as women, are entitled to name what we need– and how that well-timed help, especially when we ask for it, is the very thing that will allow us to get

We asked our listeners to tell us how life with Covid has affected their own parenting. Some of us have gotten more socially anxious; others, like the moms of kids with severe allergies, have found the isolation reassuring. Some of us have treasured the extra time with our children; others are nearing their breaking point. Some of us are stressing about the screen time; others are thrilled we’re not interrupting our kids to go to travel soccer for a change.  This topic was inspired by Kristen Howerton’s essay for The New York Times, “I Hate The Mom That Covid Has Made Me.” Kristen explains how she’s become THAT mom, the kind who spies on her own teenagers and yells at them for not wearing masks. She thought she hated that kind of parent– and now it’s her.  How has Covid changed your parenting? Will those changes be longer-term than this pandemic?  Here are links to some things we discuss in this episode: Kristen Howerton for The New York Times: I Hate The Mom That Covid Has Made Me https://www.nytimes.com/20

This week’s question comes from Jaclyn in our Facebook group (facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast): "Would love some advice for the "monsters under the bed" phase. My three-year-old is worse than he was as a newborn, waking me up 30 times at night! If I ignore him, he will scream and cry, then come into our room. I could let him sleep with us, but he doesn't sleep well when he is in our bed, and neither do we. I tried to put a bed for him on the floor of our room, but he kept asking for more items-water, blankets, pillows, etc. Help!" In his book The Happiest Toddler on the Block, Dr. Jonathan Karp considers kids' developmental stages as a replay of humanity's evolutionary stages. A 12-18 month old is a "charming chimp-child," 18-24 months is a little Bam-Bam, and by 3 years old, kids have gotten about as sophisticated as someone alive during the Middle Ages might have been. To people alive in the Middle Ages, vampires were real. They didn't have the luxury of going to therapy to unpack what was behind their fear

This week we’re talking to Ned Johnson, co-author (with William Stixrud) of THE SELF-DRIVEN CHILD: THE SCIENCE AND SENSE OF GIVING YOUR KIDS MORE CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES, which explores how fostering children’s autonomy can help solve two challenges seemingly endemic to kids today: handling anxiety and developing intrinsic motivation.  Ned's research underlines a surprising paradox: when we try to remove stress from our children's lives by smoothing over the bumps in their paths, we inadvertently create MORE stress for our children. As Ned explains: “A sense of control strengthens the regulation of the amygdala. It is by successfully handling stressful situations in a supportive environment that kids develop strong stress tolerance and resilience." In this episode we discuss how one's levels of stress are affected by novelty, unpredictability, and our overall sense of control the difference between "tolerable stress" and toxic stress how to be "homework consultants" for our kids without controlling the ou

This week we bring a hopeful message from your parenting future: it gets easier. Our listener Kristen went on our Facebook group page with this challenge: The second part of your life begins when your kids can get dressed to go outside in the snow by themselves and play out there without adult supervision. What's your version of “the second part of your life begins…”?  In this episode, we talk about when your life of pre-parenting ease comes back into focus. Is it when your kids can go upstairs, take a shower, and put on their own pajamas?  Or when you no longer have to push the swing at the playground?  Or when they can navigate a flight of stairs safely? Or when they can turn on a screen at 6:30 a.m. without waking you?  The answer to all of the above is YES. And we celebrate them all. In this episode, Amy mentions the study "Car Seats as Contraception," and Margaret touts these disposable vomit bags for the carsick kiddos: https://amzn.to/38PHMKU It’s a new year! What better way to start it off than by m

Today's question comes from Elizabeth: How do you address sneakiness? Having some trouble with rule-breaking lately. Things that are not totally off-limits but do have limits, like candy or screens, are appearing in bedrooms after the adults go to sleep. It's driving me batty and I'd appreciate any advice! Sneakiness in our kids can really set us off as parents. The idea that our children would directly defy our carefully established rules is often really upsetting. The good news? Our kids, especially when they are young, tend to be really, really bad at being sneaky. This means that we're going to discover the wrappers or the left-behind screens they've been attempting to hide pretty much every time. So how do we react? Margaret suggests a three-step approach: React calmly. Don't give your kiddo the satisfaction of seeing you blow your top. Offer an alternative. ("If you are hungry at night, let's start having something right before bed.") Respond with consistent consequences. ("Every time I find a scree

2020: seriously, you guys. What was THAT? In this episode we look back at a very problematic year, and toast our survival as we acknowledge our many struggles. We review what we've learned/ hope to learn/ hope to one day never ever think about again. We also discuss what we learned from some of our favorite episodes of 2020, and have gathered them in a playlist here:https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4UCfa2pUXKYB653bJVcKsO We also give special thanks to those who work behind the scenes to make this show possible: editor Christy Haussler of Team Podcast: https://www.teampodcast.com/ producer Sarah Levithan social media support from Christina Hart: https://www.instagram.com/itschristinahart/ branding by Jake Lang Digital: https://www.jakelangdigital.com/services cartoon logo by Emily Pelton: https://emilypelton87.wixsite.com/emilypelton * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.com/whatfreshhellcast *

After four years of doing this podcast, we know a lot about each other. In this episode, we ask the burning questions that remain, like: If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be? Who is your celebrity crush? (warning: #oldilocksalert) What was your worst job ever? What do you, in 2020, want to be when you grow up? What would you grab in a fire? We also mention a few of our favorite books, all of which are always available in our Bookshop store: https://bookshop.org/shop/whatfreshhellcast * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.com/whatfreshhellcast * YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/WhatFreshHellPodcast * Pinterest: https://pinterest.com/whatfreshhellcast * Twitter: https://twitter.com/WFHpodcast * questions and feedback: info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week’s question comes from Sarah:  My 22-month-old daughter is an infrequent pooper. She regularly goes 3-5 days between bowel movements, but recently she's started holding it. She's been sitting on the potty to pee for the last month or two, but she'll jump up and say, "no!" when she feels a bowel movement. This means that when she does finally go, it’s… a lot. She had a bit of diarrhea a few months ago and got a rash, so maybe she's remembering that it hurt? We praise her whether she poops in the potty or in her diaper, but she gets distraught when she goes in her diaper. Sometimes she holds onto us and cries. The few times she's gone in the potty, she seems less upset, but you can tell she doesn't like going. We don’t think this is a constipation issue. I am immensely anxious about this and worry that my anxiety is rubbing off on her. I'm constantly keeping track of the last time she pooped and wondering whether she needs prunes/Restoralax to help her go. These things have helped in the past, but I k

This topic came from Bradie on our Facebook page, who asked: What is one simple, basic, Christmas tradition that your family has? Don't come at me with baking gingerbread houses or cutting down your Christmas tree. I'm talking things like a favorite meal, the order and manner in which you open presents, a book you always read. Standards are low over here, people. Don't we all deserve an easy holiday season this year? This episode is full of ideas for wrapping gifts (and other things), easy cookie recipes, and more. These ideas are Christmas-based, although holiday lights and red flannel jammies probably have pagan roots anyhow, so come one come all! Two main takeaways for your holiday season:  When in doubt, add hot cocoa. Let the laws of holiday attrition work in your favor. Here are links to some Christmas favorites discussed in this episode: saltine toffee cookies: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/11376/saltine-toffee-cookies/ Rachael Ray's Christmas pasta: https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael

This week Margaret’s talking about parent-teacher conferences, after writing about her own most recent conferences on our social media. At one of the conferences, Margaret heard amazing things: her child is thriving, reading above grade-level, adored by all.  But she's also had conferences when she heard her kids were struggling, not sitting still, NOT performing at grade level. (Amy has also had both kinds of parent-teacher conferences, by the way.) Some kids are built for school, and they will thrive in that environment. Others will find it much harder. But your kid’s A-plus, or C-minus, is not your own. As a parent, you're in communication with the teacher as an advocate for your kids, but you’re not there to make sure your kid's school experience– or life– turns out perfectly. It's crucial to keep that in mind when we have parent-teacher conferences: we’re not there to find out whether WE passed the test. Link to Margaret's thoughts here: https://twitter.com/WFHpodcast/status/1336079462941806592 * Leav

This week we’re talking to Susan Katz Miller, author of THE INTERFAITH FAMILY JOURNAL, a hands-on journal that helps families learn how to best honor one another’s spiritual and cultural needs.  The holidays are always intense, and if your family is an intersection of multiple traditions, it can really ratchet up the pressure for perfection times two. Which is when it’s time to maintain perspective. As Susan explains: “I try to help people to understand that if they're having conflict often, it's not about religious difference. It's not about theology. It's not about whether there was an actual physical resurrection or not. It's usually about whether to put the fried onions on the green bean casserole or not.” In this episode we discuss why every family is an interfaith family how to reduce conflict about traditions with your spouse’s extended family how to help your spouse when the hard feelings are on your family’s side how to push back on the pressure to do “both” traditions perfectly how to help your

This episode topic was suggested by Pam Marie in our Facebook group:  What's your mom superpower? We often talk about what we get wrong, but what about the things you're really good at? Time to flex, What Fresh Hell community! Everyone needs an ‘Attaboy!’ every once in a while. And when you’re a mom, you usually have to give it to yourself. In this episode, Amy brags about her X-ray recall of exactly where the shirt definitely *is* hanging in her son’s closet. Margaret explains that she’s a “super sniffer,” and you’ll have to listen to know what that’s all about. We discuss some of our listeners’ powers, as well. Whether you’re Eileen, whose kids have not been late to school once in seven years, or Sue, who has the superhuman ability to resist shouldering her children’s emotional burdens for them, we are truly impressed by all of your superpowers. Attaboy. * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.co

This week we're talking to Katherine May, author of the tremendous new book WINTERING: THE POWER OF REST AND RETREAT IN DIFFICULT TIMES. Written before the pandemic but perfectly relevant to the moment we're in, WINTERING explores how the natural world prepares for and survives winter, and how we can apply the lessons of actual winters to the metaphorical winters in our lives where, as Katherine puts it, "we feel like the world has pushed us out. We feel isolated, depressed, locked out in the cold, and that the rest of life is drifting away from us." We all go through personal winters. Sometimes they're for terrible reasons (an unexpected death); sometimes they're for happy ones (a newborn who needs to be fed every two hours). Sometimes they're brief and not too unbearable; sometimes no end is in sight. Winter is cyclical, it's part of life, and it can be understood as a time of rest and of waiting, rather than of stillness and death. There is much that winter can teach us, and we loved both this conversation

For the last 1.8 million years or so, children were raised village-style. But 2020 has meant a lot of us raising our kids without the usual help of grandparents or schools or caregivers or friends. As New York Times parenting writer Jessica Grose explains:  "Throughout basically all of human history, parents have never, ever raised children in isolated nuclear units the way they have been doing for much of 2020, with little to no hands-on family or community support." And now we’re on month nine of no village. And it’s getting cold. And here come the holidays. Yes, this is as hard as you think it is. The village doesn’t just benefit the kids– it helps the parents keep going, too. So make your own village, even if you don’t feel like it. Whatever community you can create right now counts, whether it's on Zoom or on social media or on a group text or in your podcast listening, or by posting your #danishbaby photos to our Facebook group, never apologize for what that village looks like.  Here are links to the r