What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

Janice Johnson Dias is a professor of sociology at John Jay College. She is co-founder and president of the public health and social action organization GrassROOTS Community Foundation and its SuperCamp for girls. Her collaborative work on black girls’ mental, sexual, and physical health issues earned her a special Congressional recognition. Born in Jamaica, Janice moved to the United States at age twelve and now lives in New Jersey with her husband, daughter, and dog. Janice's new book is PARENT LIKE IT MATTERS: HOW TO RAISE JOYFUL, CHANGE-MAKING GIRLS. In this conversation, Janice explains how we can embolden both our daughters and our sons to find their passions– but only by finding our own passions first. Janice argues that change-making is the path to true joy. You can find PARENT LIKE IT MATTERS here in our Bookshop store: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9781984819628 * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: ht

There are benefits to our kids making mistakes, even when it’s hard. Maybe especially when it’s hard. Some kids have tons of flexibility and safety around trying new things, around failing. Others not so much. In this episode we discuss: how the brain lights up when a mistake is made, paying extra attention why being very wrong about a fact once ensures you will always remember it thereafter the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset– and how mistakes encourage the latter Carol Dweck and what she calls the power of "not yet" how we can make our homes "mistake-friendly environments" Here are links to writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Claudia Wallis for Mind/Shift: Why Mistakes Matter in Creating A Path For Learning Dr. Janet Metcalfe, Columbia University: “Learning from Errors,”  Carol S. Dweck for TED: "The Power of Yet" Carol S. Dweck: Mindset Jo Boaler for youcubed.org: Mistakes Grow Your Brain Melissa Taylor for Brightly: What Is a ‘Just Right’ Book? Reading Lev

How can I encourage my kids’ creativity and self-directed play while also setting limits on the messes they make? Erin emailed us to say: My kids are 3, 5, and 7 and during the pandemic they’ve really played together well and have learned to entertain themselves. BUT they are driving me crazy with all of their “great ideas” and huge projects. I’m talking about packing for an imaginary camping trip with all of their real clothes that I will have to sort and fold later.  Putting on swimsuits on the first warm day of fake spring and filling the kiddie pool with water and ending up covered in mud in 60 degree weather.  You get the idea. I love their creativity and ambition but I can’t manage and clean up these huge messes every single day. How can I put boundaries around it so it’s not such a disaster afterwards? Anyone who's ever renovated a kitchen or made a short film has heard of the "Golden Triangle" of project management. On the triangle's corners are three goals: Good. Fast. Cheap. You can pick any 2. You

This week we're talking to Michelle Icard, middle-schooler whisperer and author of the new book FOURTEEN TALKS BY AGE FOURTEEN: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School.  Michelle says that tweens have begun "the necessary and difficult work of pulling away," but they're still at an age where what their parents say can have enormous impact. Michelle's work helps parents position themselves so that our kids trust what we have to say, and that we won't freak out when they come to ask us questions or seek guidance. In this episode you'll learn what to say and how to say it when it comes to all the conversations you need to be having with your kids. The conversations in Michelle's book go well beyond the ones we all know and dread (sex, alcohol, drugs, consent) to equally crucial topics you might not have considered (friendships, creativity). You'll find tons of resources and confidence in this book and in this episode. Find FOURTEEN TALKS BY AGE FOURTEEN in our bo

Is it okay for us to be emotional in front of our kids?  Julie, one of our podcast listeners, asked this question in our Facebook group:  Is it good for kiddos to see their moms have emotions? And how can we talk through our emotions with our kids? My grandmother lost her husband when my dad was 11 years old. She had four kids, no job.She had to take care of everything. Once I asked her how she coped with all of that, and she said she just held it together, always, except when she cried in the shower at night. At first, I thought, wow, how strong of her. Now that I have kids, I kind of wonder: is shower crying always good? Never good. Sometimes good?  Shower crying is definitely better than swallowing emotions entirely. And there are times when our emotions, and/or the situations causing them, are too unsettling for our kids to handle. Sometimes it's good for kids to see our emotions, but we shouldn't be asking kids to hold them for us. But studies show that children whose mothers express emotions like sadnes

Leaving our kids in the care of others is stressful and tends to bring out a strong need for control. But when it comes to working with a nanny or a day care provider, this may not be the best approach. Rather than trying to control everything your nanny or caregiver does, try to be clear from the very beginning about your expectations about discipline and any other issues that are important to you. Prepare questions when you interview a caregiver that explore a range of scenarios that may come up. Some examples: When a child doesn't listen to your instructions, how would you respond? Have you worked with children who you had to discipline repeatedly? How did you handle it? What are your favorite kinds of meals to prepare? What foods do you think it's important for kids to eat? Once you've employed your caregiver, revisit these conversations often. Strategize at the end of the day about behavior problems that are coming up and how to handle them. Another good idea is to write down your expectations and t

What are some small traditions we can lean on right now to create more joy and meaning for our families? We’re talking LITTLE. Preferably free. Not exhausting. Super fun. Lifetime of memories created. Our listener Lee inspired this topic in our Facebook group:  What about an episode about fun or special traditions for the rest of the year? When I was growing up, the “birthday person” always got breakfast in bed. I’ve brought the tradition to my own family as an adult, and it’s such a fun and special way to start the day. I’ve been trying to build more traditions for my young family (my kids are 3 and 6), especially during the pandemic, since we haven’t seen our extended family much, and a lot of our other markers are missing. In this episode we discuss some of our (and our listeners’) favorite family traditions. A few Rules of Traditions we discovered while recording this episode: Giving the ordinary a special name, song, day of the week is part of what makes it a tradition. Pizza Friday! Porch Popsicle Time

When is a teen happily isolated– or at least content– and when is it something a parent should be concerned about, particularly during the pandemic?  This week's question comes from Kate in our Facebook group: When should one worry about a teenager's lack of desire to be with friends? For my 15-year-old it’s always been an issue, but since we moved two years ago, he’s been even more in the “I don’t care” camp than before. Outside of soccer and school, he doesn’t ever see friends, and says he doesn’t want to. All this is only made worse by the pandemic. Over the last year most of us have had more access to our kids' moment-to-moment existences than we had previously. That means we’re seeing more of things that might have always been there, and are therefore fine– and things that are new to us and actually should spark our concern. Some introverted children really are more content right now. If an adolescent is not expressing signs of depression and anxiety, than a teenager in his room all the time might be

How we doing, moms? If you're anything like us, your domestic situation has blown past “getting old” to “seriously guys, we cannot do this anymore” to fetal-position numbness and beyond. And there’s nothing for dinner, and the 5th grader is failing math, and our boss just asked if that wasn’t “someone’s kid” he just heard on the background of our work Zoom call. (Why yes. Yes, it was.) The New York Times recently released a series called “The Primal Scream” examining the pandemic’s effect on working moms in America. As we come up on the one-year anniversary of this crisis we thought would take a couple of weeks, let's face it: all moms are kind of falling apart. As Dekeda Brown, a mother of two profiled in the Times’ stories, explains:  “We are holding together with the same tape that we have been using since March.”  In this episode, we discuss how it’s going for us (not great) and offer a few solutions for making this Groundhog-Day time a tad more survivable.  Here are some of the articles we mention in thi

This week's listener question comes from Kristen in our Facebook group: How much input should I have on my kids' choice of friends? This is a hard one. Ceding control over our kids' lives is anxiety-producing, and one of the first ways we need to practice letting go is when our kids choose friends that - let's say - wouldn't have been our first choice for them. So that's the bad news. The good news is that we do still have a role to play in this situation. Just as with our own kids, when we address the behavior of our kids' friends, rather than their character, we'll get better results. We can (and should!) verbalize things like "I don't like when I see [insert friend's name] using bad language." That message will be heard by our child with a lot less defensiveness than if we say "That [insert friend's name] is such a bad kid!" Here are other things you can consider doing if you're worried about the kinds of friends your kid is choosing: Keep your child involved in a range of activities, so they're exposed

This week we're introducing a "From The Vault" series, reconsidering some of our favorite episodes of the past four years. Our kids still get angry (imagine that) so time to revisit this one. The best way to handle our children’s anger is to equip them with the tools to handle it themselves. You don’t have to smother children's emotions in order to calm them down; as your kids get older, you really can't. But you don’t need to throw up your hands and accommodate their anger and everything that comes with it, either. We talk at length in this episode about an excellent book for kids on this topic: “What To Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid’s Guide To Overcoming Problems With Anger.”by Dawn Huebner. The book is aimed at grade-schoolers, but there’s much to learn in here for kids of all ages (and their parents)!  Whether your kid is 4 or 14, this episode will help you stand outside their storms and get your calm house back a little sooner.  If you’d like a transcript of this episode, you can find it here: https:

It often becomes clear to us where our boundaries should have been set only after those lines have been crossed and left far behind. But whether it's with overbearing extended family members or partners who leave socks on the floor, how do we create effective boundaries? Especially after it's been established that we're not very good at it, and especially in a world that doesn't very much like women who aren't afraid to set them? In this episode we discuss why boundaries should be set early and often– and not just in problematic relationships, either. Healthy boundaries with our spouses, partners, and co-workers are what make long-term relationships possible. And don't forget positive boundaries. Want to start setting aside more money each month? Having one date night a week, or one weekend morning when you get to sleep in? It starts with saying so. Living in a pandemic has made it unavoidable: we all have to say out loud what feels safe for us and our families. We can seize that opportunity to practice the d

This week's listener question comes from Rosie in our Facebook group: My little guy is in the “only want mommy” slash “must be touching mommy” phase. Any advice on how to not go insane and to still get things done with a 26-pound, 17-month old attached to my hip? Disclaimer: of course i give him all the snuggles, and I know it’s just a phase. But I’m going a little crazy. Yes, the "only mommy" phase isn't forever– and it's not something you have to train out of your kid. But it can be overwhelming while you're in it. It's okay for you to take breaks, and it's okay for your toddler not to like it. But understanding where it's coming from might make getting through this stage a little easier. Toddlers sticking close to their primary caregivers is a biological imperative: if the cave toddler lost his parent, he wouldn't eat. These days, the stakes are more akin to "might not have my cinnamon raisin toast buttered to my exact specifications," but routine and structure and control over the little things are what y

This week we're talking to Dr. Harold Koplewicz, one of the nation's leading child and adolescent psychiatrists and the founding president of the Child Mind Institute, a national nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children  struggling with mental health and learning disorders. Dr. Koplewicz is also the author of the new book THE SCAFFOLD EFFECT: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety, which guides parents through strategies for raising empowered, capable people. In this episode, we discuss Dr. Koplewicz's suggestion that we create scaffolding around our children as they create their own lives. We're not the architects, we're not the builders– as parents, we're there to support the cantilevered balconies of our children's passions and interests, even if they're not at all what we imagined things would look like, or what we would build ourselves. Miscalculations are part of the plan for our children to learn resiliency and self-reliance. Dr. Koplewicz suggests scaffo

This last (almost) year has been full of challenges. On the other hand, so many things that we thought had to be a certain way– weekends packed with travel sports, weddings with hundreds of guests, the wearing of Spanx– have been proven surprisingly optional. In this episode, we discuss the things that we and our listeners are hereby declaring we’ll never do, or wear, or worry about again. From pants with buttons to touching strangers, we are here to say that a new path forward is eminently possible. We mention our episode "What This Has Taught Us About Our Kids"– you can listen to that episode here: https://bit.ly/WFHep162 * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.com/whatfreshhellcast * YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/WhatFreshHellPodcast * Pinterest: https://pinterest.com/whatfreshhellcast * Twitter: https://twitter.com/WFHpodcast * questions and feedback: info@whatfreshhellpodcast.com Learn m

Today's question comes from our Facebook group: "My son is 5 years old and in pre-K. One of the kiddos in his class lost his dad when he was very young. Since learning this, my son has started asking us about death, and has started worrying that something is going to happen to me or my husband. I'm not sure how to talk to him about it. I want him to know that it does happen, and we need to be compassionate to his friend, but also don't want him to worry every day. How can I bring this hard topic down to his level?" Five years old is a developmentally-appropriate age for kids to start having significant questions about death, along with real worries about dying themselves or losing one of their parents. That's true whether or not they've experienced the death of someone close to them. These questions can be hard for parents because, unlike most of the other questions our kids ask, we don't have any perfectly satisfying answers to provide. Questions like "Why did my friend's dad die so young?" or "Are you going

Dr. Christine Koh, in her own words, is a "music and brain scientist turned multimedia creative." Christine creates content to help people live better, happier, and with elevated purpose and intention, including the Edit Your Life podcast. She's also someone who grew up with adverse childhood experiences, and has experience in building a family when our family of origin was not the kind of family we want. In this episode we discuss the measurable physiological detriments of toxic stress; the importance of safe, stable, nurturing environments; and most importantly, that it is possible for significant challenges of early adversity to be met once they are no longer cloaked in shame. As Vincent Felitti, co-founder of the ACE Study, explains: “When we make it okay to talk about what happened, it removes the power that secrecy so often has.” Here are links to some of the writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Christine Koh: The Adults Who Saved Me And What You Need To Know About ACEs Donna Jackson Na

Having the same fight doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. But it is totally annoying. In this episode we discuss the modes of negativity at play when we repeat the same conflicts- and what we can do to break the cycle, whether it’s our partners or kids. Conflict may be unavoidable- but it can be at least a little more productive. Here are links to some of the takes on this topic that we discuss in this episode: We The Norths on YouTube: How We Avoid Stupid Fights: The Number System Esther Perel for Cosmopolitan: How to Stop Having the Same Fight With Your Boyfriend All the Time Kristine Fellizar for Bustle: 7 Hacks To Avoid Having The Same Fight Over & Over In Your Relationship Charlotte Latvala for Good Housekeeping: More Fun, Less Fighting Ted Lasso on Apple TV Eckhart Tolle on Oprah Super Sunday: How To Identify And Stop Your Pain Body * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast app! * Join us on Facebook: https://facebook.com/whatfreshhellcast * Instagram: https://instagram.com/whatfres

This week's parenting question comes from a listener in our Facebook group: I have a clingy 9-year-old. I love her more than life itself, but I am having a hard time with feeling totally smothered. I go for a walk every morning for about 30 minutes (for sanity) and every morning she asks, "How long will you be gone? 30 minutes? Can I come? Pleeease?" I stress the importance of alone time for me and that it makes me a better mama. She watches for me out the window. It's like having a puppy. Yes, it's anxiety related. I had anxiety as a kid and I recognize it, but we are together 24 hours a day and I feel like I'm starting to crack. You're right to suspect that your super-clingy kid is motivated by anxiety. We can meet anxiety with empathy, but we need to beware accommodating it. Don't let those goalposts get moved: a half-hour walk is definitely good, both for your parental sanity and for your kid's realizing she can survive 30 minutes without you. Amy offers a few suggestions that worked with her own clingy

This week we're delighted to be talking to Dr. Edward M. Hallowell– one of the world's leading experts on ADHD. Dr. Hallowell's new book, co-authored with Dr. John J. Ratey, is ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Thriving with Distraction--From Childhood Through Adulthood. Dr. Hallowell gives us concrete strategies– and tons of optimism– for those lucky enough to possess what Dr. Hallowell calls the "Variable Attention Stimulus Trait." Whether you have a child with ADHD, suspect you might, or even have had some lingering thoughts about your own ability to focus– Dr. Hallowell's cutting-edge research and surprising new strategies will fascinate you. Read the transcript of our entire interview with Dr. Hallowell on our website: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2021/01/dredwardhallowell/ grab your copy of ADHD 2.0 from our Bookshop store: https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780399178733 and connect with Dr. Hallowell: https://drhallowell.com * Leave us a rating or review in your favorite podcast