Regular Features

Matt solves Log's catering problems, and Log populates every Patron's sexual kiss fantasia

Gav wants to date a hipster and Steve's gone Corrie mad. This one's for you, Deirdre.

Matt thinks he's special because a prostitute likes him, Gav's a dick to a stranger (for a change) and Steve writes some better Black Mirror plots than the people who are paid to do it.

Why yes that IS the best title we've had in ages. In this episode of the podcast, Log asks: "are you napping too much?", Matt wonders: "have I triggered all of my sleeper agents of 2014?", while Steve queries: "what happens at the tops of stairs in Coronation Street?" All of those questions are answered and more in this very hungry and sort of sad sounding episode.

A series of unfortunate events (starting with us putting Gav on editing duties for New Year's Day) has resulted in us losing this week's episode to some gremlins. So this week, Gav's whacked together some of our favourite bits from the last year into one file for you. Normal podcasting services will resume next week.

Welcome to this very special episode of Regular Features, in which Matt discovers the true meaning of Christmas, Steve discovers the true meaning of Christmas and as for Log, well, you'll just have to wait and find out! (He discovers the true meaning of Christmas). In fact, all o dem boys be learnin bout Christmas, and now YOU CAN TOO. Merry Christmas from Team Features!

Gav brings up a magician from the past, Steve has dire warnings from his driving instructor, and guest Joe provides a "choose your own god" adventure quiz thing.

Steve recounts the final hours of two robotic friends in space, Matt helps out a fellow comic in need, and Gav gets into an argument about how many letters are in a word.

Sad news folks. Owing to an unavoidable technical glitch that made us all sound like dirty robots we've had to humanely destroy the *real* episode 117, so instead here's a collection of classic features from the archives. From episode 36, Gav's story about a slurry pervert. From episode 45, Steve and Log's time travelling jokes. From episode 8, Matt's story about an island of Richards.

Matt fails to understand the science behind medical technology and tries to replace it with half-baked whimsy, Steve and Gav have an argument about the Jurassic World trailer that sort of stems from nowhere and doesn't initially appear to be a proper feature, and Log pretends to be angry in the back of a taxi - ALL IN SEQUENCE FOR YOUR EAR-BASED PLEASURE.

Lift up your jumper and slap your belly to the beat of the rhythm of heart of the night, because it's a one-off voicemail special that's all about YOU. That's right! YOU, the READER, are the star of the show as we read out the voicemail messages you left on our website not seven months ago. Did you think we'd forgotten about that? Hah, no way! Have some faith, we're beginning to think you doubting Jennies don't deserve our magical one-off voicemail specials.

What do Log and Steve both have in common with the friendly and hard-working bee? Well, just like the bee, both Steve and Log cannot drive a car to any sort of standard that the law would term "basically competent". Also like a bee, Steve and Log can only sting you once before dying. :( In this motoring special, Steve recounts the story of how he failed his first driving test, while Log presents a revealing exposé of the special class for murderous speed freaks he was required to attend in order to avoid having points on his licence. Matt, having sadly not received the memo, does a feature about bees.

"Who wants a Ding Dong?!" Haha! Classic Regular Features. But if you don't know what a Ding Dong is or who's offering you one or whether you want one, then you probably missed our GameCity live show last weekend. Luckily for YOU, we have recorded it on 2D soundribbon, ready to be barked back into a three dimensional noisewave by the speaker system of your choice. What happened? Well, Log reunited the readers with some obscene and long lost friends, Steve cleared up precisely what happened when Roger Helmer visited a sex dungeon, Gav determined if the audience have a drinking problem while Matt measured jugs of our piss for science and entertainment.

In this episode of the podcast that is called Regular Features, Steve fleshes out the Wikipedia entry for Chain Reaction, while Gav tells the story of a man whose flesh is out in Wales. Which one results in an anti-social behaviour order? You'll have to listen to find out! Log and Matt also contribute, heroically.

Gav appoints himself CEO of the podcast and listens to a sexy merchandise pitch from Matt as Steve decides that poor old Roger Helmer's had enough. There's also some stuff about murders.

In this episode we finally investigate and uncover Matt Lees's intense hatred of widows, a full woman-blasting fury so all-consuming that he even hates windows, both for sounding a bit like "widows" and for allowing widows to look through walls, something Matt believes they should not be allowed to do, considering what they are. Gav also tells the story of how he first met Log, and Steve provides the floundering #gamergate movement with some out of context audio ammunition. Eat it up, sucka.

Matt prepares a humble speech for an award ceremony he can't attend, Gav follows a stranger around an awful art exhibition, and Steve investigates the chilling world of Boots product reviews.

They're big, they're long, they've all got massive schlongs! Regulaaaaaar Featurrrrrres! Steve risks his life to illegally drive a car, Log's dog is acting up and God only knows what Matt was talking about but it goes on for AGES.

Well crumbs and titties, it turns out that Team Features couldn't get together to record a podcast this week, and now, without our combined energies to stabilise it, the power crystal at the heart of our fortress shines wanly. It's wan as balls and no mistake. To appease the podcast spirits and rejuvenate our withered life force we've instead put together a very spesh compilation episode made up of features from the past. That's right, when we repeat features and contravene the founding rules of our own podcast, we really go for it.

Literally no idea what happened in this one. Sorry.