Regular Features

Matt gives us unfettered rummaging access to the nooks and pant-crannies of his squalid office cave, Steve gives us a full-fat grilling on subjects of his choosing, and Log celebrates fatty-bum-bum day because it's nice to be alive. Contains dadbods

In this new episode of the podcast that is the podcast what is called Regular Features, Steve's got sex tips, Matt's got buffet bothers and Log's singing a song about somebody who was in love and then dies and it's sad. Those are the things we did. Now I simply must go. I can't just stand around here all day explaining everything to you.

We were all on holiday this week so we've picked our favourite live features to remind you how great we are not just behind closed doors but also sometimes above pubs.

The Regular Features team are getting ready to go on holiday this week! Except for Log, who's writing this description now, knowing that his friends are going to live on a fucking yacht for a few days, while he sits in his own pub, a prisoner of all the booze he's chosen to surround himself with. Why not drink the booze, Log? Just drink it all and have a holiday *in your head*! This episode Includes some OK Cupid and barring of customers

Another new way to innovate, you say? Yes, OK! This episode was made without any of us talking to each other at ALL. Like we HATE each other now. That's our new thing. That Steve, eh. What a prize pillock! ANyway: Gav does OK Cupid, Matt tries to get us all together again, and Log makes a big audio mess in your lap. Contains anus

There's a bit in this episode where we fold ourselves through a couple of the higher dimensions of irony, sarcasm and self-awareness to form an obscene podcast tesseract in which it could be mistakenly conceived that we are being hugely offensive for no reason. I believe, however, that we're attempting to make a larger point about the feckless deployment of offensive language as a substitute for thoughtful comedy. We also explore the commuting of an author's moral responsibility to an unwitting speaker, through the forced, verbatim recital of said author's offensive speech, you know, just while we're at it. BASICALLY WE'RE NOT HATEFUL YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE US.

Gav finds some tips on being awesome from Richard Burton and Log does about 3 features. Steve's throat is sore so send him your get well wishes by doing a kiss into the air and blowing it out a window or something.

We did poems because we can do anything if we just put our minds to it.

Matt's been on holiday like a big lar-dee-dar, Steve is adamant that he isn't there, Gavin seems keen to offend everyone, and Log is talking about his bumhole again. Congratulations, you are listening to Regular Features.

Come with me and you'll be in a word of Roger Helmer newsletters! That sort of fits with that song, doesn't it?

Enjoy some post-live-show funk as Gav tries to work out if Matt & Steve are a bunch of replicunts.

Another live show! If you missed it in person, or simply want to remind yourself of what an INCREDIBLE NIGHT you had, you can watch the whole thing in video form too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtFX0mSNL9A&feature=youtu.be (theme song music by Kevin MacLeod of Incomputech.

Matt has problems with his bladder, Steve invited the team to embrace his eggs with both hands, and Log gets everyone up to speed on everything that happened in the 1970s.

In this episode of Regular Features, Log reacts professionally to a bad review of his pub on TripAdvisor by reading the review out in a silly voice, Steve has some good ideas for new science fiction drama television show, and Matt has a go at being Gav by abusing a stranger over text message. Sorry if this description isn't very entertaining but I've got guests coming over and I literally have to clear away my sex toys before they get here.

It's been a bad day, please don't take a picture. Please, it's my last picture. It's the only remaining picture I have of my dead wife. Please, man who is repossessing my home because I am depressed and out of work, do not take this picture of my dead wife. It is worth nothing to you. What's that? Did this unassuming podcast description just unlock a cool and original new way of interpreting the lyrics to the song 'Bad Day' by REM? Yeah it did, you better believe it booyyyy. This episode has Joe, Steve and Gav in it. Joe does a ouija board, Steve investigates alternate timelines and Gav badmouths a fish. Have fun.

Gav's got the cure for arachnophobia, Log finds a sitcom he wrote when he was 16 and Steve brings in another guest who manages to outshine us all.

With Log and Steve left to their own devices, what will happen in this - the first 100% gay episode of Regular Features? Will there be gay goings on? Will gay things occur? Will a gay bird fly into the room and make gay cawing sounds on the radiator? ANYTHING GAY COULD HAPPEN AND YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

Matt fills up the entire bloody podcast with a hunk of Sonic the Hedgehog filth. We're entirely sorry and completely understand if you want your money back. You can't have your money back, of course, but we can understand why that's a thing you might want.

After one failed feature, Steve talks about a traumatic injury to his gigantic eyeballs. Gav recalls a traumatic injury to a social situation, caused by his own behaviour, and Joe Skrebels causes traumatic injuries to Regular Features, by showing us all up for the low-effort amateurs we are. BONUS FUN!!! Can you spot Log's hidden secret feature?

Don't stop til you get enough, sang Michael Jackson. Enough is enough, sang Barbra Streisand. The world is not enough, sang Shirley Manson out of the band Garbage. Enough is as good as a feast, is a thing your mum might say. Un oeuf is French for "a egg". The point I'm trying to make is that it's episode 126 of Regular Features and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Log doles out gifts, Matt sets Gav up on simul-dates and Steve does that thing where you repeat the same joke over and over again until it stops being funny and then becomes funny again. Aw yeah, eat it up, here's a fork.