Absolutely Not

   On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has business consultant and friend, Raymond Padilla come to the Absolutely Not Headquarters for a full take over. It's the Board Meeting no one wanted to sit down for, but absolutely needed to attend. We're getting our ducks in a row while simultaneously fixing the world's problems by using the 5 pillars of efficiency. Ray also asks for donations at the end because Heather is sure as hell not paying him for his time or knowledge.    Get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/absolutely   Head over to WooMorePlay.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off the entire site.   Get 35% off site-wide at CozyEarth.com when you use the code ABSOLUTELY.   Get 20% off and free shipping with code ABSOLUTELY EatDeux.com   Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more at Article.com/ABSOLUTELY   Produced by Dear Media    See Privacy Policy at

    On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is reporting live from the PANHANDLE of Florida, aka 30A.  She is back from Mississippi and narrowly skirted death on the highway, only to have a new lease on life. She is taking no bullshit and dishing out some of the best advice she's ever given from the hotline. Like- Why heterosexual couples should never own catering companies- to what to do if your teeth are falling out. That and more!    Check Out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off and free shipping on your order of $100+ at Brooklinen.com   Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.   FX’s Little Demon premieres August 25 on FXX. Stream on

 On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- After a wonderful weekend back in the college town of Athens, GA- Heather is shooketh to her core taking a walk down memory lane- the nostalgia of sorority row, the tequila shots from locals are all flooding back to her hypothalamus. She hits the Absolutely Not Hotline to fight with a woman who doesnt like Tang- another broad bitching about getting a titty on her back during a massage- and makes a public apology to the Mid Atlantic.    Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at VisitRitual.com/ABSOLUTELY.   Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box.   Head to EatDeux.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off and free shipping.   Get 35% off site-wide when you use the code ABSOLUTELY at CozyEarth.com   FX’s Little Demon premieres August 25 on FXX. Stream on Hulu!   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://a

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is wondering if her August invite to the hamptons got lost in the mail? So weird- no one has invited her to stay at their mega mansion while Robin skeets down the long island highway on a crotch rocket on her way to a tj maxx. She hits the Absolutely Not line in hopes that the invitation is on the voicemails.. but looks like she'll have to wait till next summer.    Check Out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/ABSOLUTELY   Visit AthleticGreens.com/absolutely for a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.   Cozy Earth is providing an exclusive offer for my listener’s today. 35% off site wide when you use the code ABSOLUTELY.   Start your 100-day trial and shop

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is hitting the Absolutely Not Hotline to answer your hard hitting questions- like "Why can't we make Tanning Booths a thing again" or "What should I  do if I have Alopecia on my head but not my crotch". Heather dissects her own quarter life crisis while simultaneously helping your figure out yours- its a real team effort this week!    Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely.   Visit AthleticGreens.com/absolutely for a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.   Head over to WooMorePlay.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off the entire site.   Get 20% off and free shipping with code ABSOLUTELY at eatdeux.com.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her whirlwind year long honeymoon. While she should feel refreshed, renewed and wildly in love- she is lucky to not be in an italian jail cell after clearly spending TOO MUCH TIME with her husband Jeff. She breaks down the importance of communication, how much wine she drank every day at lunch and her plans to do it all over again.    Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic.   Go to goodr.com/ABSOLUTELY and get 15% off when you use code: ABSOLUTELY at checkout.    To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com and use the code ABSOLUTELY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Noti

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather chats with fellow comedian and newly single pal, Jared Freid. They break down the hard truths of what it's like to navigate show biz, inspire folks with humor and have someone literally NOT be a fan. Jared breaks down his new- on-the-scene dating horrors and these two giggle like thelma and louise over how TikTok will slowly kill us all.    Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.   Athletic Greens is going to give you one FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/ABSOLUTELY   Produced by Dear Media    See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

   On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather sits down with her favorite grumpy old man- comedian Andrew Collin. They dissect his new life living with a lady, reminisce on Spring Break in Destin and he helps Heather understand why Jeff packed a scale in his carry-on.      Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code [absolutelynot] to get $20 off your purchase of $100 or more.   Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual.    Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Produced Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

   On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews the queens of the southern hair empire, Salty Locks, Britt and Amber Harrington. They discuss working with family, a female run business and explain why the alligators near the nuclear plant in Augusta got 3 legs and an attitude. These girls mean business while also keeping it real country and that's why we love them!      Athletic Greens is going to give you one FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting vitamin D AND 5 free travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/ABSOLUTELY     Go to dailyharvest.com/ABSOLUTELY to get up to forty dollars off your first box!     Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY     Head over to WooMorePlay.com and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off the entire site.     Article is offering our listeners 50 dollars off their first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/ABSOLUTELY     Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and Calif

       On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather chats with her genuine friend, Jackie Schimmel. They discuss their summer plans to move to Europe, Eat all the food, lay horizontal and release their aggression on innocent bystanders through shoving and pushing tourists. It's unhinged, it's dialed in and it's insane.    Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Go to Brooklinen.com today and use promo code [absolutelynot] to get $20 off your purchase of $100 or more plus free shipping.   Go to Grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order plus free shipping.   Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic.   To grab your two pills a day, head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off.   Produced by Dear Me

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather has had a fully mental breakdown from the complete shitshow that has been her wedding prep. She has finally turned into one of THOSE brides and is about to hoard the wedding gifts and tell everyone to fuck off. Honestly- she's probably spending too much time in her sauna bag and its quickly kiling off her brain cells- but who is even paying attention anymore. She hit the Absolutely Not line- She's unglued, unhinged and unwell!    Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D and 5 FREE travel packs with your fist purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely   Exclusive discount (they never do this) - 20% off and free shipping with code ABSOLUTELY at www.EatDeux.com   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/priv

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather hits the hotline- only to double down on the fact that women might be the REAL scammers. We've got a lady running an ER out of her garage, A time traveler, a handful of bad drivers and a sweet woman named Abby prepping for a colonoscopy- All that and more!    Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month.   Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY.   Article is offering our listeners $50 off their first purchase of $100 or more at article.com/ABSOLUTELY   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back from her final farewell tour performance. Just when she thought it was time to get an IV drip of propofol for her medically induced coma, her friends throw her a surprise party filled with drag queens, secrets and snacks! Heather breaks down what a wild week its been and also hits the Absolutely Not Line and more!    Go to athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a FREE 1 year supply of immune supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.   Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer   Go to goodr.com/absolutely and get 15% off when you use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout.   Head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off.   Go to grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

 On this episode of the Absolutely not podcast, Heather is letting you know, School is out for summer and bitch we are fully booked! It doesn't matter if you are hustlin' as a lifeguard, taking the kids to camp or treating yourself to a hoagie by the highway, Summer 2023 bout to be on and poppin!    Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely   Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely   Follow Ashland on Instagram @ashlandhardseltzer   Right now, for a limited time, you can save $10 on your first purchase when you go to StoryWorth.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather takes you down memory lane and drives you right into the "Core MeMories" of your childhood- from the sheer joy you'd feel on a field trip day, to the sadness you felt if your mom was late to chaperone- It's a whirlwind of emotion and its all flooding back after hitting the Absolutely Not Line.    Check out squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Receive 20% off PLUS Free Shipping on your order at DRINKOLIPOP.com/ABSOLUTELY   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.    Visit seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed's DS-01™ Daily Synbiotic.   Go to DailyHarvest.com/absolutely to get up to forty dollars off your first box! That   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and Ca

 On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is back south of the border from her weekend of shows in Toronto. After getting held up at the border, listening to a threesome all night and crushing an international Nordstrom- she lives to tell about it- We also have a surprise appearance from Robin McMahan to spill the tea on the latest suburbian drama!    Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons with code ABSOLUTELY at piquelife.com/absolutely   Athletic Greens is going to give you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at athleticgreens.com/absolutely   Ashland is gluten free, malt free, zero carbs, sugar free, no fat, and 100 calories. For more follow them on instagram at @ashlandhardseltzer   To grab your two pills a day, head to moonjuice.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off.   Produced by Dear Media    See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/p

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast - Heather is back in the LA studios fresh from a midwest weekend on tour. She's working, but apparently not enough to save her from being humbled in a burger joint by general manager who takes his job REAL serious.   Head to squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, and use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Match with your dedicated therapist today at talkspace.com, and use promo code absolutely during sign-up to get $100 off your first month.   Get $20 off your fertility test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely.   Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months at ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY.   Get free shipping on all water and merch at LiquidDeath.com/ABSOLUTELY.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back from a 3-day bender on the West coast. She saw a mormon trying to escape in Salt Lake, a man with a neck tat cry in Phoenix and a drive-by in Sacramento. Three amazing shows but spilling all the tea, with Tina T.    Visit Brooklinen.com and use Promo code [absolutelynot] for $20 off your purchase of $100   Go to DRINKOLIPOP.com/ABSOLUTELY or use code ABSOLUTELY at checkout for 20% off plus free shipping.   Visit athleticgreens.com/absolutely for a free one year supply and five free travel packs with your first purchase.   Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at allarahealth.com   Go to Grove.com/ABSOLUTELY today to get a free gift set worth up to fifty dollars with your first order.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is celebrating the Rising of the lord, with some street safety tips and life advice. She is so full of knowledge and shit at the same time it's alarming. She hits the Absolutely-NOT-Line  to solve some of y'alls problems and realizes you all need a lot more than Jesus.    Check out Squarespace.com/absolutely for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: ABSOLUTELY to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Get a FREE 1 year s pply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase at AthleticGreens.com/absolutely.   Go to Framebridge.com and use promo code ABSOLUTELY to save an additional 15% off your first order.   Use code HEATHER at checkout for 25% off your first month or diagnostic test at AllaraHealth.com/heather   Upgrade your bra today and get 20% off your first order today at ThirdLove.com/absolutely   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and Cal

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather has on her man of honor, Raymond Padilla, and they give you a play by play of how they scammed their way into the Masters this weekend. There were a lot of chicken salad sandwiches and white wine to be had, but most importantly they learned about themselves.    Get 5% off + a free Pique sampler pack (with 6 of their best-selling flavors) when you purchase 2+ cartons at PiqueLife.com/absolutely with code ABSOLUTELY.   Go to Zocdoc.com/ABSOLUTELY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then start your search for a top-rated doctor today.   Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely.   Go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in ABSOLUTELY to get a 60-day free trial.   Visit Seed.com/ABSOLUTELY and use code [ABSOLUTELY] to redeem 20% off your first month of Seed’s Daily Synbiotic.   Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/priva