Drunk Ex-pastors

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian talk about yoga pants. Naturally, this brings up many more topics such as when candy had its zenith, exactly what it means to covet your neighbor’s ass, and what it would be like if women catcalled men. They then talk about gay men marrying women and whether or not that will make god happy finally. A caller asks why a father shouldn’t marry his daughter, which leads to Jason being confused about how reproduction works. Jason is biebered by overly conservative people, and Christian is biebered by having to keep quiet until he has everything figured out. Also, Jason advocates for straight men getting gay-married…again. Hmmm.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian jump on the Seahawks bandwagon. They lament their failed childhood radio careers. They tell stories of gluttony, obstructive sleep apnea, and mushrooms from the cruise. They talk about how car salesman get revenge for bad reviews. They mock (and refuse) the apology of the punching pastor. They come up with more stereotypes for white people. They discuss whether or not places can be holy or sacred and what that means for Catholics who want to get married on the beach. Jason is biebered by people who are biebered by Michael Moore being biebered by snipers. Christian is biebered by people who don’t recognize that movies are the highest form of art. Also, is love in the air for Jason and Christian on the high seas? Their cabin boy thinks so.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian and Jason start off with a voicemail from a listener who describes an unsuccessful attempt at introducing a friend to the podcast which ends with that friend thinking they’re racist. A question about Christian’s agnosticism leads to a discussion about whether or not the Bible is reliable and if Jesus could be who the Bible claims he is. Another caller, not realizing that Jason and Christian have been labeled as racist, brings up the issue of racial stereotypes. Alcohol encourages them to go ahead and take on the topic. A couple of other callers ask questions about how Christian’s and Jason’s personal lives were affected by their change in beliefs, which Christian is happy to answer. Jason remains dodgy. Finally, Jason is biebered by the fact that money makes it so that he can’t be more lazy. Also, Jason admits to feeling emotions once after some champagne.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after some childhood memories of thrown Brussels sprouts and spilled honey, a shot in honor of their fine listeners, one of Jason’s stories from the car dealership, and Christian trying to talk himself out of buying a new car, Jason and Christian analyze some of the criticism of the podcast, delving into the nature of the podcast itself. After a third attempt at explaining that they don’t hate Capitalism, they examine the death of Christians compared to the death of non-Christians and whether or not dying well proves anything, and eventually whether or not anything proves anything. After a break to refill drinks and order pizza, Christian and Jason discuss why God keeps playing tricks on humans, such as creating the earth to look so old. They then enjoy some spontaneous feedback from listeners via Facebook and are interrupted by the pizza arriving early. Jason is biebered by having to travel more than five miles ever [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after a quick discussion about the ways they would abuse lucid dreaming and why living like Jesus would completely screw up one’s life, Christian and Jason analyze the recently finished yearlong experiment of Ryan Bell, a former pastor who decided last January to live like an atheist and report his findings. They then address feedback from listeners on the topics of scientific theory (it’s just theory!), torture (it’s totally OK!), and Capitalism (they hate it, obviously). They then address the recent suicide of Leelah (Joshua) Alcorn, a transgender teen who was told by their parents that “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Jason is biebered by rhyming with poor timing, and Christian is biebered by people who are biebered by New Year’s resolutions. Also, Christian explains why you should be happy that your partner would like to have sex with other people. 

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason wants to know if they’re recording, but he finally has a reason to worry. Jason then regales us with stories from the car dealership, including a recent test drive that went bad, especially for a pedestrian who may or may not be completely fine. Let’s pretend he is. Christian and Jason then talk about “tough love” and whether or not Christians should shun people who don’t live according to their morals. They then discuss the “Christian Right,” how it came to be, and more importantly, whether it should be. A caller claims to have more joy and freedom as a former Christian than she did as a Christian, which we all know is completely impossible. Finally, Jason is biebered by how much more difficult it is to have a conference call today than it was twenty years ago. [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian and Jason go over some new iTunes reviews of the podcast, one of which is two stars and actually ends up being somewhat accurate. They then discuss the new CEO of Sony, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. After a discussion about raising money as missionaries, they take on the concept of over-criminalization and whether or not less laws would cause everyone to start shooting heroine into their eyeballs. They then take a question about how censored their childhoods were and then another question about whether or not atheists are just as bad as fundamentalist Christians. They then reminisce about a fight they had over a lighter and Christian is biebered by joint Facebook accounts. Also, they get a voice mail from Satan.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian has to deal with an obstinate child named Jason who refuses to wear his headphones and stalls for twenty minutes on a shot he doesn’t want to drink. After compromising, they discuss the manipulative practice of attempting to create Christians known as the “altar call,” and what role this played in them being asked to leave the Calvary Chapel pastorate. They then listen to a wounded warrior describe his experience back in The States which drives home the realities of war in a way that many people don’t ever recognize. Jason and Christian (or Christian and Jason) then address listener feedback including why it’s impossible for Christian ministers to be authentic and whether or not being “born again” requires a complete change of personality. Finally, they are both biebered by torture, but not enough to distract them from pizza. Also, Jason gives his brother the best bir [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after taking a “holiday” shot suggestion submitted by a listener and getting an update on the woeful life of a car salesman, Christian and Jason springboard off of something Jason said in the last podcast into whether or not Christianity should be any different than any other organization or religion. (Or as Christian likes to wonder, should God make a difference?) They then address a listener’s voicemail about speaking in tongues and whether or not anyone is actually doing it for real, especially 3rd graders being filmed by the news. They then address the homicide of Eric Garner by Staten Island police and attempt to answer the difficult question of whether or not being black and weighing 350 pounds is grounds enough for being strangled to death by law enforcement. (Hint: No. Never.) Jason is biebered by literally everything. Also, Jason uses the word “psycholologize.” [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian “drunkenly blather on” about a couple of the podcast’s detractors who have quite clearly never listened to the show. They then discuss one of the more important and volatile topics they’ve discussed lately: the new Star Wars teaser trailer. A caller’s comments then launch them into a discussion about skepticism and miracles, and whether or not Jesus’s miracles can beat up Mohammed’s miracles (and whether or not that would make Christian be a Christian). After a voicemail from someone who is definitely not from England, they take another entertaining voicemail from someone who doesn’t dislike the podcast a lot, which leads to a discussion about re-evaluating beliefs based on personal experience. Christian is biebered by insecure drivers and Jason is biebered by having more than one set of silverware. Also, Christian throws up immediately following t [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (emphasis on “drunk” for Christian), Jason puts down the whiskey and drinks beer to assuage the wrath of the Lutherans. Christian claims that referees only get in the way of good sportsmanship, in much the same way that the police get in the way of polite looting. After acknowledging that nothing gets accomplished without a good riot, they answer listener voicemails which eventually lead them to whether or not a terminally ill patient should have the right to die on their own terms before God is done tormenting them with a brain tumor. Jason is then biebered by genre-less radio stations and Christian is biebered by the defiling of his favorite holiday. Also, Jason falls asleep while Christian is talking.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian celebrate their success in iTunes with a new bottle of Scotch, which naturally leads to a discussion about Dwarves tasting Orc blood. After a quick update on Jason’s success as a car salesman, an offer for a free Drunk Ex-Pastors shot glass, and an analysis of a one star iTunes review, they address some negative statements made about Christian by a Calvary Chapel pastor who would like to remain anonymous. Of course, Jason and Christian won’t let that happen. They then attempt to catch up on voicemails and discuss a variety of topics, from whether or not Ruby Red Squirt and a hot dog bun can become the blood and body of Jesus Christ, to whether or not the Bible is misogynistic, and if science and faith can co-exist. Jason is biebered by poor toilet etiquette, and Christian is biebered by poor Bible-verse quoting etiquette. Also, Christian doesn’t look like Pope B [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian get an effin awesome voicemail. Jason’s soul-sucking existence is exemplified in a deal on a $3800 gold Chrysler and Christian is devastated and losing sleep over a lost star in an iTunes review. The ex-pastors spontaneously take live questions from Facebook which start with why Mike Seaver is trying to save Christmas and eventually lead to Jason serenading Christian with the theme from the TV show Alice. After re-hashing the weed topic (get it!?) they examine whether or not your energy drink is trying to turn you into a Satanist. This leads to a conversation about whether or not Christians have delusions of grandeur and if those delusions are proof that they’re not actually delusions at all. It’s a bit philosophical…for drunks…and ex-pastors. Christian then explains why biebers are biebering him and Jason is biebered by technology…again.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason does something he hasn’t done in 14 years as he transforms from car salesman to car buyer. After discussing Christian’s annual Halloween party, Jason relays more stories from the workplace, which he describes as “like prison, except you can go home at the end of the day.” Meanwhile, Christian thinks quietly to himself, “Welcome to having a job.” They then discuss the recent election that there’s a good chance you didn’t know took place, and springboard from that into a discussion about how marijuana prohibition is racist. They then take listener questions about whether or not Christian is going to hell, and furthermore, if he is (and he is), whether or not that’s the fault of fundamentalism. Christian then claims that the only way to make sense out of the bible is to do a bunch of mental gymnastics, to which Jason responds that that’s not true, but that there’s not time to talk about it becaus [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian decide their friendship wasn’t tested enough during the previous episode’s debate about indoctrination and go for round two. Jason admits that he is wrong, but this sentence is totally out of context. Christian informs Jason about some negative feedback from a non-drunk current pastor, and they also lament the fact that only 23 people like the podcast. Christian is asked by a listener what led him to become an Agnostic, and in fine Agnostic fashion talks about what didn’t push him into it instead of what did. Jason can’t figure out which of his many biebers to discuss and finally lands on one that gives him an excuse to say the “f-word” over and over again. Christian is biebered by insecure, American sports fans who insist on putting down soccer, which causes Jason and him to become insecure, American soccer fans who put down other sports. Also, Jason [...]

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian celebrate the podcast’s 13th episode with a shot of chocolate cake, followed up with a recap of Christian’s trip to Hollywood and Jason’s week getting to know his co-workers: Bow Tie, Old Spice, Senator, et al. After a momentary lapse into what is possibly a quite sexist discussion and a post-mortem analysis of Christian’s inexplicable loss in the “Best Name” category for his chili, Jason and Christian take on a caller question about indoctrination, which leads to a heated discussion over what constitutes indoctrination and whether or not religious people are guiltier of it than non-religious people. After making up, Christian is biebered by redundancy and Christian is biebered by redundancy, while Jason goes full car salesman and is biebered by anyone who thinks their trade-in actually has an objective value.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian start off the show with an experimental shot meant to give them wings. Jason then imparts his best “white-trash scheme” as a free service to anyone needing to send a letter but who is short on postage. As Jason transforms before our ears into a better and better car salesman (and a less and less trustworthy person, obviously), Christian begins Jason’s speech therapy, which, unfortunately for Jason, may last the entire episode. They then check in on the status of Jason’s haters and as a free public service announcement give their listeners a simple way to avoid the Ebola virus. Christian is biebered by (not drunk) ex-pastor Bob Coy, the “Tiger Woods” of Calvary Chapel, while Jason is biebered by any car that costs more than $30,000. (Unless, of course, he is selling it to you.) 

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian analyze why Jason gave up a comfortable job with a high salary to potentially end up sleeping in his car in Christian’s driveway. (Unfortunately, Jason no longer has a car, which is ironic considering his new career attempt.) The ex-pastors then take on Jason’s critics, of which there are many, who seem to delight in his demise and what they consider to be his inevitable downfall. Speaking of downfalls, Jason and Christian also address those particular critics who seem to be lacking the sense of humor necessary to deal with the “Rev. Jason Stellman” being on a podcast called Drunk Ex-Pastors. Their resident heckler “badclowney” is addressed as well as [...]

In this edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian enjoy their first taste of sponsorship, and love it. (Probably because it tastes like Whiskey.) Christian recounts how his family’s recent vacation to Hawaii caused some problems for his daughter at school which opens up a discussion about education in general and how to keep kids from becoming mindless drones. A listener’s message moves the conversation from education in general to sex education, which causes some disagreement between Jason and Christian. Perhaps it’s because Jason doesn’t have all the years of parenting experience that Christian has, or perhaps it’s because Christian’s years of parenting experience have caused him to become jaded. You’ll have to decide. After a short unintentional rant against Capitalism, they end with an homage to Entourage.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason presents Christian with a gift that he needs but will never use; the discussion turns to whether or not the police force attracts people who were picked on in school and therefore need to take out their frustrations on the powerless and weak; we discuss the recent controversy surrounding the lawsuit against our former church, Calvary Chapel, by two of its now-deceased founding pastor’s children; we answer a Twitter follower’s question about whether Jesus and Paul thought hell was a real place of eternal torment; and lastly, Jason exhibits his laser-sharp understanding of how to win at football (besides just shooting lots of homeruns, which is obvious).