What Fresh Hell: Laughing In The Face Of Motherhood

If you're a stay-at-home parent, how do you answer to the people who frequently– and annoyingly– ask, "So, what do you do all day?" A listener in our Facebook group posted: "During Covid, I quit my job and I’ve been home. I drive my kids to school, work out, and manage the house and family. I’m very happy and fulfilled, especially knowing that my eldest will be leaving for college soon, I’m soaking up this time. My problem is trying to explain this to others. I have a good college degree and worked in a decent field before I quit. I guess I feel pressure to work and use my skills. One well-intentioned retired woman at my gym was actually trying to figure out how I can not drive my kids to school so that I could go back to work. I’ve even considered lying and saying I work part time at home to get people off my case." A pre-pandemic Gallup analysis 60,000 women in the U.S. revealed that more than a quarter of SAHMs report feeling depressed. The researchers suggested that “societal recognition of the difficult

How do we know when to control the choices our teens make and when to let them make their own mistakes? A listener asked: "Moms of teenagers, how do you stop trying to micromanage their worlds? My daughter is no longer interested in an extracurricular activity she’s done for years. I'm trying to talk her into continuing but she’s pushing back. It’s hard to know when it’s okay to let them decide what things they want to do as opposed to the things you think are good for them to do." Amy explains that it's okay to micromanage your teens sometimes, as long as you choose your battles– which means everything can't be a battle. Making sure kids sign up for standardized testing might be a place where you micromanage– but that might also mean letting that their desperate need for a haircut go without mention. Making mistakes and learning from them is part of the work of becoming an adult. As hard as it can be to watch our kids make choices with which we might disagree, when we can let those ramifications play out, we

There's a mental health crisis among teens. Teens are also highly emotional creatures by design. Adolescent psycholost Dr. Lisa Damour thinks the two are starting to get conflated– and that means parents and educators can sometimes overcorrect in their responses to teens' emotional outbursts. Dr. Lisa Damour co-hosts the Ask Lisa podcast and writes about adolescents for the The New York Times, in addition to her clinical practice. She is the author of two New York Times bestsellers: Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. Dr. Lisa's latest book is called The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents.  In this interview Amy and Lisa discuss: Why good sleep is the first thing we need to help dysregulated teens solve What the pandemic actually revealed about teens' mental health Key myths and misconceptions about adolescent emotions Dr. Lisa says

We asked our listeners what minor and yet life-changing advice they have to offer. From bringing Sharpies everywhere, to cleaning the shower in the shower, to milkshakes after doctors' appointments, our lives just got a whole lot better! Margaret and Amy discuss: The correct way to boil corn What really goes in the glove compartment (not gloves) Amy's meet-cute with her husband "Let's Make a Deal" Links! "Bag o' Glass" on SNL Special thanks to our sponsors for this month: For trusted protection, choose Pampers, the #1 Pediatrician Recommended Brand. Download the Pampers Club App today to start earning rewards with every diaper & wipes purchase. Author Accelerator’s Book Coach Certification program provides resources to help you launch your own thriving business coaching writers. Head to bookcoaches.com/podcasts to find out more. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit BetterHelp.com/FRESH today to get 10% off your first

A listener asks: "Has anyone had success in helping their kids becoming ”better” at losing? Sports, board games, even school work…anything that they get frustrated with, it is to an extreme degree. I have three boys ages 7, 5 and 4 and they all do the same things—always throwing a huge tantrum." Margaret explains that it's important to have a good offense in situations like these. Don't try and reason with your kid right after they've suffered a loss and lecture them on Buddhist philosophies of nonattachment. Talk to your kid before the game/event about what is important in these situations, like being a good teammate and practicing in order to get better at something. Links! Cleveland Clinic: "Sore Loser? How to Help Your Child Handle Disappointment" Special thanks to our sponsor, Pampers: For trusted protection, choose Pampers, the #1 Pediatrician Recommended Brand. Download the Pampers Club App today to start earning rewards with every diaper & wipes purchase. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podca

Sign up for What Fresh Hell Plus on Supporting Cast to get all episodes ad-free, plus monthly bonus episodes. Supporting Cast works right where you already listen! Go to whatfreshhell.supportingcast.fm to subscribe in two taps for just $3.99 a month, or $39.99 a year. Psychologist Susan Linn, author of WHO'S RAISING THE KIDS? BIG TECH, BIG BUSINESS, AND THE LIVES OF CHILDREN, isn't anti-technology. She's anti-advertising to children, and has spent her long career spotlighting the "monumental shift towards a digitized-commercialized childhood." With smart speakers and screens at arms' reach wherever kids go, digital technologies continue to evolve much faster than our understanding of the ramifications of their dominance in our kids' lives. Susan began her career as award-winning ventriloquist (here she is on Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood!) and has become a world-renowned expert on creative play and the impact of media and commercial marketing on children. In this episode, Susan tells us Why her point isn't to ma

Do you worry about finding the balance between forcing your kid to keep doing activities that are good for them (that you already paid for) and not letting them be miserable all the time? How do you keep them on track academically without having to run flashcards with them about the Peloponnesian War for the billionth time? Here's what the research says about when to push our kids - and when to let sleeping (Peloponnesian) dogs lie. A listener in our Facebook group asks: "How do you decide when to push your kids? Like when to go from YMCA basketball to the travel team. Or when to go from regular school to the accelerated program, or the private school that's more rigorous. When to apply for the stretch school or the internship? We don't want to ruin hobbies or turn the stress up to 11, obviously. So how do you know which knob to turn and when to turn it so that their ambition, their ability, and their achievement all line up in perfect balance and harmony?" Amy and Margaret discuss: The “optimal push” and ho

Is there anything worse? Your kid is begging for a playdate at a friend's house, while that friend is standing right there listening. Plus that kid's mother. And the thing is, you think this other kid is not such a good friend for your child to have. What do you do? A listener in our Facebook group asks: "My kid is 7 years old. Has anyone ever experienced your child making a friend but you don’t feel comfortable with your child going over to their house solo for play dates? Any advice for how to navigate and what to say when your child is invited over? What if you got a chance to know the parent meeting at the park or a school event or sports but you didn’t get the vibe that you’d be comfortable with your child going over there— but you see them all the time and talk to the mom often and the kids beg for play dates in front of both parents?" Amy suggests preparing a script ahead of time for politely declining in the moment and then exploring later what it is that's making you hesitant about this playdate. I

If you're parent of a child with ADHD, you are familiar with the battles of will that can result. What are the best ways to help kids with ADHD succeed without either coddling them or coming down too hard on them? Are you the parent of a child with ADHD who feels like nothing you try is working? Ryan Wexelblatt, also known as the "ADHD Dude," is here to help. Ryan, a licensed clinical social worker and father to a son with ADHD, creates content for the ADHDude YouTube channel and ADDitude Magazine. Ryan also provides parent training, in-person school-year programs, and a summer camp for boys.  Ryan, Amy, and Margaret discuss: How to talk to kids with siblings who have ADHD Why behavior prompts actually don't help long-term How to use scaffolding to build important skills for kids Firm boundaries and consistency, rather than permissive parenting or special treatment, are going to help kids with ADHD more in the long-run, Ryan explains. Helping kids visualize the consequences of their actions– whether th

Do you feel like the odd parent out in your house? Or do your kids want only you to do everything with them all the time? A listener in our Facebook group asked: "Is there an episode about one parent having a very different relationship with a child than the other parent? My 12yo and I seem to have a pretty functional (not perfect) relationship, but he and my hubs seem to end up arguing constantly. Thought at first it was a phase, but if it is, it’s a LOOOOONG one. Would love some perspective on this!" Margaret and Amy discuss: How preferential treatment plays out in younger vs. older kids Why kids save their worst behavior for their primary caregiver Which one of them is conflict-averse and who's conflict-attracted (one guess which is which) Preferring one parent over the other can be developmentally appropriate, but there are times when ganging up on one parent can become too much and needs some course correction. Links! Our episode "When Kids Prefer the Other Parent Over You (Or You Over Them)" Ry

Is the never-ending work and exhaustion and loneliness of parenting small children getting to you? You're not alone– but better days are coming. Jordyn in our Facebook group asks: "I have a three-year-old and 9-month-old. Is it normal to feel lonely all the time? Feel somewhat bored and left out? Feel like a non person? From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I'm DOING for the kids, for the house, for the job, for the husband. I know I'm supposed to make time for myself but when? Wake up at 4am after being up with my baby all night? Will I ever go back to a human person? Or now that I have two kids, should I settle into this new normal? How long? 5 years? 10? I'm so anxious to feel well rested, feel pretty, feel healthy, be social and ENJOY my kids. I'm so tired." Margaret explains that once your kids go to school full time, your life changes for the better. Even if it feels like there's no end in sight to putting your kids' needs first every single second, there will come a day when you can le

Do you feel like you're at the end of your rope with trying to get your kids to behave? Jen Lumanlan takes us through the steps for getting at the root cause of our children's behavior - and the root cause of our negative reactions, too. Jen Lumanlan is the host of the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, which Lifehacker named "Best Research-Based Parenting Podcast." She runs a course called Taming Your Triggers, which helps parents to understand why they feel triggered and to feel triggered less often. Jen holds a Master's in Psychology focused on Child Development and another in Education. Jen, Amy, and Margaret discuss: How to determine your child's most frequent needs (and when to do it) Where hair ties come into the picture The importance of non-cognitive shifts While inserting a "slip of paper" between our emotional response and our actions is important, the best thing we can do for ourselves and our kids is heal the reasons we are triggered by specific things in the first place. Here's where you can find

Are you already punishing yourself for breaking your impossibly difficult New Year's resolution? Yes, the one where you were going to eat 12 vegetables or run for 20 minutes or read an entire book every single day of 2023 (or do all three, for you masochists out there.) Here's how to work towards goals while remembering that so much of what we feel guilt over is actually morally neutral. In this episode Amy and Margaret discuss how a "back to one" is different from a resolution, and how viewing resets as inevitable, rather than deep personal failings, is a much more productive approach. Still working on the same resolution from last year? Of course you are! Always be resolving–to move forward without guilt over what you didn't do yesterday. LINKS! Melissa Kirsch for the NYT: "Broken Promises" Mick de Boer for Inside Out Mastery: "19 Mind-Blowing New Year’s Resolution Statistics" Our "Back to Ones" episode from 2022 Listen to the "Edit Your Life" podcast, the newest addition to the Adalyst Media network!

Leaving your kids for the first time in, well, forever? Getting anxious about how saying farewell will fly? A listener wrote in to say: "My spouse and I are planning to leave our kids for the weekend for the first time (they're 6, 5, and 3). what's the best way to prepare them? 2 of my kids- yes, including the oldest- cry if I'm going out to dinner. We'll be leaving really early on Saturday morning- do I get them up to say goodbye? Is that a bad idea? How long beforehand do I tell them- or is this something best addressed at the last minute?" Rebranding your trip as a special time for your kids may help assuage some of the anxiety they may feel at your leaving. Ultimately, these short trips away are a good reminder for you and your kids that they can be without you and still have a good time! Links! Sorry, Grownups, You Can't Go to School by Christina Geist https://bookshop.org/a/12099/9780593480328 Special thanks to our sponsors for this month: For trusted protection, choose Pampers, the #1 Pediatrician Reco

Contrary to what social media would have us believe, not every hobby has to turn into a madly successful side-hustle that takes the world by storm. Margaret talks with Liz Gumbinner, co-host of the podcast "Spawned with Kristen and Liz," about why it's okay to just make really delicious cookies. Liz Gumbinner is a writer, award-winning ad agency creative director, and mom of teens. Online she’s better known as the publisher of coolmompicks.com and the author of the OG mom blog Mom-101. Her Substack newsletter, I’m Walking Here, looks at media, politics, and culture through a witty parenting lens. Liz and Margaret discuss why parenting itself has become another thing to "hustle" around, as well as the difference between ambition and "the hustle." It's great to spend a night with your family or friends without taking/posting any pics at all and just being present, says Liz. It gives you perspective on what's important in life and helps you refocus how you want to spend more of your time. Here's where you can fi

What oddities do you love that others might look askance at? Is it your magical singing rice cooker? The silence just before it snows? Terrible Ikea instructions? Amy and Margaret share their weird pleasures and chime in on some listener suggestions as well. Amy and Margaret discuss: 11:11 Why socks DON'T rock Neon signs Sign up for the What Fresh Hell newsletter! Once a month you’ll get our favorite recent episodes, plus links to other things to read and watch and listen to, and upcoming special events: http://eepurl.com/h8ze3z Special thanks to our sponsors for this month: For trusted protection, choose Pampers, the #1 Pediatrician Recommended Brand. Download the Pampers Club App today to start earning rewards with every diaper & wipes purchase. Author Accelerator’s Book Coach Certification program provides resources to help you launch your own thriving business coaching writers. Head to bookcoaches.com/podcasts to find out more. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. If you want to live a mo

When you have more than one kid event in your calendar, how do you hit both– or choose one and live with your kid's disappointment? A listener in our Facebook group asks: "Moms with multiple children: how do you handle the anxiety, guilt, and disappointment when kids' activities overlap? I’m not talking about missing one of the bajillion 4th grade basketball games. I mean the once-a-year or even once-every-few-years very important events. How do you decide which child’s event is more important ? How do moms do this without feeling absolutely guilt-ridden and sad? It’s an impossible situation to be in and I’m feeling paralyzed." The most important thing you can do is talk about these issues as a group and problem-solve together. Can the parents split up the event duties? Can another relative, friend, or neighbor step in? If you're doing your best to make your kid feel supported, not just by you but by the other people in their tribe, then you can let yourself off the hook for not showing up to every single ev

We've all felt the guilt that comes with taking time away from our kids to do something we enjoy. But if we're always being told how liberating it is to do things for ourselves, why do we have such complicated feelings about? Dr. Amber Thornton tells us how we can successfully balance our lives both as women and as mothers. Dr. Amber Thornton is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Millennial Motherhood Wellness Coach. She is the Founder of Balanced Working Mama, with a mission to completely change the narrative of what is possible for millennial mothers by helping them to better balance work, motherhood, and wellness. She's also the host of the BALANCED WORKING MAMA podcast. Dr. Amber resides in Washington, D.C., with her husband and 2 little ones.  Dr. Amber, Margaret, and Amy discuss: What it means to set a boundary successfully What's really behind mom guilt The perils of secondary expectations It's important to remember that our feelings about our situation don't necessarily reflect the reality that'

What do we do when the magic of the holiday season is behind us, spring is months away, and we have to keep kids busy for months more of cold weather until then? Melanie from our FB group wrote in to say: Can we talk about the transition out of the festive season and into plain ol' winter? We went all out celebrating this year with my kids (3 and 1) . Now things are going to be pretty quiet for the next couple of months. I'm a stay at home mom in a very rural area where January and February mean cold, ice and bad roads. Realistically, we're not going to be going as many places or seeing as many people. Even getting outside with two tiny kids is a big job. How can I help ease my 3yo back into her normal routine when I too tend to be susceptible to the winter blahs and burnout this time of year? I can feel the loneliness setting in. Does anyone else mind this time of year or is it just me? It's not just you. Amy and Margaret discuss: Why women are more susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and how

What should a parent do when their child is suddenly excluded from their friend group? Amy helps a listener unpack the complexities of this problem: "My 13-year-old daughter has inexplicably been dropped from her friend group at her very small school (less than 10 girls in the grade). As far as my daughter can figure, nothing has precipitated this change. The moms would regularly communicate with each other via text to coordinate as we don’t live in the same town. As a result of this, I know that the moms know that their girls are ostracizing mine. They know she is not invited by their girls. They are no longer texting me to make the plans, carpools, etc. My daughter is distraught. I am also sick to my stomach over it. I don’t know how to help her. I am also heartbroken because I felt that I also thought that I I had the beginnings of a friendship with these women. How do I help my daughter through this?" This is devastating both for the teen in question and us as moms, Amy explains, because our emotional re