Shut Up A Second

In which our heroes get their strings cut, remove the hand from out of their butt, and speak for themselves as we discuss puppets. We end up in a giant man made sock puppet outfit, debate the potential benefit of being a ventriloquist dummy when it comes to walnuts and why certain puppets are just terrifying. Jackson jumps in way too fast and way too quickly, Tessa informs us about a very special Supreme Court appearance by a muppet and special guest Josh just wants to know when a puppet is a puppet and when it’s just a man in a suit. So join the gang on this sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away as they ask how to get, how to get to Sesame Street. Want to help fund Miss Piggy's and Kermit's marriage counselling? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in their clearly abusive relationship. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least

In which our heroes put on a bloody apron, head to the nearest abattoir and hack up a carcass as they discuss meat. We discuss the titles of our new albums, the employment of skeletons, and all the different kind of things you can sausage. Jackson’s world crumbles around him instantaneously, Tessa once again ends up imprisoned, and Duscher just wants zoning permission to build his beef shithouse. So hop aboard the midnight meat-train, choose your favourite bit of cow, chicken, lamb or goat, chuck in on the barbie and enjoy that sweet sizzle. Want to help Duscher get that zoning permit? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making that baby boy’s dream become a reality. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seventeen books about the merit of beef as construction material.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and op

In which our heroes drink some holy water, eat a clove of garlic and try to stab themselves in the heart as they discuss vampires. We look at the dangers of drinking 80s blood, examine the difference between sheep and vampires, and express our appreciation for Robert Pattison. Jackson wishes he was a caveman vampire, Zoe gets XXX and Blade confused, and Duscher just wants to share his simple method of categorising animals. So join the gang as they try to avoid the sun, work hard to get their vampire brides and get invited into your house. Vampires are clearly a nighttime monster. Want to help the gang track down a real vampire? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in keeping them busy. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-three books about categorising animals, plants and things by the tried and true Joel Duscher ni

In which our heroes put on their scrubs, sharpen their scalpels, try not to gag at the sight of blood and discuss surgery. We tell the story of Face-Off, bond over terrifying experiences of waking up during surgery and inevitably talk far too much about Robocop. Zammit ponders a life-swap with Billy Joel, Zoe finds herself pressured to join the Joel club, despite her dream of being married to Kanye and Duscher just wants to swap faces with Zammit so they can keep their names. So join the gang as they try to use medical science to improve their lives, no matter how little the payoff. It’s bloody, cutting edge and bound to require stitches. Want to help Zoe recreate Face-Off with Kim Kardashian? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the amount of fake tan we can afford. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixty-eight boo

In which our heroes get caught in a web, become trapped like flies and struggle to break free as we discuss the terrifying creepy crawly that is spiders. We try to imagine eating spiders, wonder where a goat would expel silk, and sympathise with the people forced to deal with ghost trees. Jackson misremembers something he once heard about frogs, Tessa wonders how thick web really is, and Zoe just wants nothing to do with spiders ever. So look out for decoy spiders, high five your local huntsman, and try not to get bit by a whitetail, after all, the optimal amount of legs is two or four. Not eight. Eight is gross. Want to help spider-proof the studio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help keep our headphones web-free. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least eleven books about becoming a spiderman.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and

In which our heroes are made an offer they can’t refuse, get fitted for their concrete boots and end up sleeping with the fishes as they discuss Crime Part II: The Mafia. We wonder what the correct procedure is for waking up next to a horse’s head, ask if Danny Deckchair has any boob in it and recount the time one of us almost ended up working for the mafia. Tessa wants to know where she can sign up, Jackson surmises that he would get the man who vouched for him instantly murdered, and special guest Brendan McCallum just wants to be a driver. So join the gang as they officially become made men, inevitable have to whack a guy and try their hardest to not rat on each other because snitches get stitches. Want to help hire body guards for Jackson? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help save this man’s life when Sugar Station eventually tracks him down. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.

In which our heroes slam a shot of tequila, baste a chicken and make a sour juice all while avoiding scurvy as we discuss lemons, and in turn, lemonade. We discuss terrifying hypotheticals involving replacing body parts with lemons, practice painting our backwards letters for a lemonade stand sign and end up comparing different types of fruits. Jackson stands his ground as a lemon and grapefruit juice enthusiast, Tessa has a limited threshold for citrus outside of tequila shots and Zoe just wants to rage against pandas for being useless and not nearly as useful as a mandarin. So join the gang as they forget to add sugar, get cursed by a gypsy and leave everyone with lemon-mouth. Want to help us start a lemonade stand on Brunswick Street? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of an ice cold beverage on a hot day. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com

In which our heroes remove their skin, polish their bones, and make their best creaking sounds as we discuss skeletons. We discover the downsides of having no body or connective tissue, attempt to turn ribcages into musical instruments, and question the genuine spookiness of your garden variety skelly. Jackson confuses human anatomy with sport, Marley has the strongest legs of all time and Duscher just wants to find all the coins and frozen peas under the fridge. So join the gang as they delve skull first into the world of blood and bones, hassle the dead, and try and get a handle on that one thing inside all of us. Our skeleton. It’s our skeleton. Want to help tell Hollywood how to improve skeletons? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making bones spikey. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least sixteen books about gett

In which our heroes go bananas, become the apple of everyone’s eye and get their melons out as we discuss fruit. We learn how strawberries are racist, that Donald Glover is the human embodiment of grapes, the true origin of the word orange and the curious relationship Romans had with tomatoes. Duscher finds a new, exciting use for baby corn, Tessa can’t choose which is the most superior of fruits and Jackson just wants to watch banana crops burn. So join the gang as they get good and juicy and find a world of new possibilities for fruit other than eating. It’s a fruit salad of a good time. Want to help find the missing banana? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference worldwide banana appreciation. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least forty-eight books arguing what a tomato is.  See acast.com/privacy for privacy and

In which our heroes slither along the ground on their bellies, get milked for anti-venom, swallow mice whole and digest them over the next few days as we discuss snakes. We ask who would win in a fight between a tiger snake, a tiger shark and a tiger tiger, the benefits of using vomit as a defence tactic, and how to screw over a government with snakes. Marley keeps up a healthy hatred of snakes, Tess wants a tail to flirt with and Zammit just wants to wrassle these legless lizards. So join the gang as they coil up in a corner, strike at anything that moves and shed their skin while trying to become a handbag and matching shoes. It’s venomously amusing. Want to help Marley on her mission to educate the world on the true side of snakes? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in making sure no one likes them. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’

In which our heroes put on their finest frocks, adjust their sparkly tiaras, wait to be rescued by a dashing prince and discuss the majestic world of princesses. We look at what it takes to be considered a true Disney princess, whether Belle has it better with Prince Adam in man or beast form, and what happens when a princess eventually becomes a queen. Jackson laments the fact that he will most likely never be invited to a ball, Marley contemplates the royal dinner menu and Tessa just wants to channel her own Sleeping Beauty and catch a few z’s. So join the gang as they try to keep both their shoes on, avoid solving their own problems by hiring a butler and try to survive high school while learning to rule a kingdom. It’s a royal engagement you won’t want to miss! Want to help Jackson attend a royal ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our baby boy prince’s life! And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a

In which our heroes get slathered in chocolate, burn their mouths biting into a hot jam donut, and get a brain freeze from eating too much ice-cream as we discuss desserts. We take death by chocolate a little too literal, look into the history of Baby Cop’s Sugar Squad and try to figure out why anyone would build a house made out of gingerbread. Jackson wants to know what the worst dessert related death would be, Tessa is confused by the rules of Chubby Bubby’ and Duscher just wants to know who let Baby Cop into the crime scene in the first place. So join the gang as they bust out the ice-cream scoops, bake some cupcakes and try their hand at jelly moulding. It’s sickly sweet and surprisingly delicious. Want to help us create the pilot of NCIS: Sugar Squad? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in solving dessert related crimes. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.co

In which our heroes imitate airborne cattle, consult their weather forecasts, run for cover and discuss the spinning menaces that are tornadoes. We discuss the utterly terrifying firenado, argue about the differences between hurricanes and cyclones, and contemplate the best place to hide when things get a little windy. Zammit wants to avoid danger at all costs, Zoe wants to experience a tornado from the inside and Jackson just wants to know if anyone else has heard of a willy-willy. So join the gang as try their damnedest to keep their feet on the ground. It’s a whirlwind of emotions as we go from scared to downright petrified. Want to help Zoe create a tornado-proof Zorb ball? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in an amateur storm-chaser’s life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least seven books about ways to pass the tim

In which our heroes don their armour, access the nuclear strike codes, smear black greasepaint all over their faces and prepare to go to war. We examine decapitations of enemies, the motivation to create insect and arachnid destroying shoe-guns and ponder the ideal soundtrack for killing folk. Tessa asks what everyone would declare war on, Marley finds an enemy in her co-host and Zammit just wants the evil reign of pasta to be stopped, disastrous consequences be damned. So join the gang as they align themselves with their various causes, change their minds and try not to blow up the whole studio in the process. It’s chaos and you can bet there will be casualties. Want to help us build a bomb shelter? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the quality of our protective gear. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.com/SanspantsRadio there’s probably at least six book a

In which our heroes get rowdy, row a few longboats and then attempt to pillage every town in sight while we discuss vikings. We try to figure out the best way to raze a village, discuss the logistics of a suicide pact to sneak into Valhalla and then inevitably just go back to killing horses. Jackson attempts to cripple himself so he can enjoy non-stop feasts, Tessa re-discovers the long lost Viking proverb; ‘eat, sleep, rave, repeat’ and Marley just wants to have the best hair ever. So join the gang as they attempt to appease the Blood God for their own personal gain and be as metal as humanly possible. Make sure you’re prepared for battle or you too may end up like Ivan the Boneless, you know, lacking your bones and stuff. Want to help Jackson lose both his legs without seeing a single battle? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in him enjoying an eternal feast. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day fre

In which our heroes put batteries in their EVPs, holster their dowsing rods and become drenched in ectoplasm as they discuss ghosts. The team spook themselves as they share their own haunting tales of survival while items in the studio start flying around on their own accord. Joel firmly denies the existence of otherworldly presences, Jackson recounts his encounter with The Ninks Road Ghost Horse and Marley just wants clarification she’s not seeing things. So join the gang as they play with a ouija board and try to make contact with the other side. It’s a mind opening experience of 3D ghosts, spewing spiritualists and shadow birds. You may be lucky enough to be a Witch Survivor too, no promises though. Want to help Sanspants Paranormal Investigators get off the ground? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the high rates of sentient bath slime ravaging your hometown. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 da

In which our heroes climb to the top of the wardrobe in search of Lincoln’s headwear of choice, and snap the brims of their baseball caps while we chat about hats. We examine the use of buckets as headgear when working outdoors, which animal would make the best multipurpose hat, and whether or not snapping turtles and cacti are the same thing. Jackson wants to know the real reasons hats were invented, Zoe floats the idea of having a ‘board boy’ on retainer and Tessa just wants revenge on Hitler for ruining Charlie Chaplin’s facial hair. So join the gang as they put on their best bonnets, knit themselves new beanies and battle to create the best updated top hat. It’s going to be a hat-astrophe and we are sorry for that pun. Want to help Zoe create her microwave top hat? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our milliner fees. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free trial at http://www.audibletrial.co

In which our heroes protect their soft shells, carefully scuttle barefoot across the sand, wave our pincers in the air like we just don’t care and discuss crabs. We look into job opportunities available outside of the ocean, the feasibility of crab-type Pokemon in reality and how a crab’s mouth may be a portal to Hell. Jackson imagines what a crab lifestyle would be like in terms of medical care upon sprouting a shell, Tessa relives her childhood trauma of being mauled by a cranky crustacean and Duscher just wants to keep earning strikes by referencing the other type of crabs. So join the gang as they venture under the sea, down where it’s wetter, looking for adventures and trying to avoid allergic reactions. It’s delicious with butter and just a little salt. Want to help Jackson live his dream of being Dr Crabby? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in helping crabs to start their own side businesses. And don’t forget to get your fre

In which our heroes brace for impact, work on their catch phrases, fail to do cool-guy walks away from explosions and discuss cheesy action movies. We look at Whoopi Goldberg’s secret history with dinosaurs cops, the best 80s theme song and why anyone would use a hang-glider as a getaway vehicle. Jackson wants to know why bus drivers in real life never look like Sandra Bullock, Zoe ponders how effective segways would be in a chase sequence and special guest Nick Capper just wants a therapy sheep. So join the gang as they try desperately to reload their weapons in slow motion and refuse to work with anyone but Marlon Brando or the best chimp alternative. It’s loud, filled with cliches and you can bet there’ll be at least one montage.?? If you're a local you can see more of Nick Capper at 10.45pm every Thursday, Friday and Saturday of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival at the Portland Hotel or find him @capperflapper on twitter. Want to help us rebuild the studio after that sweet explosion that was c

In which our heroes put on their protective smocks, channel their inner Bob Ross, forget to rinse their paintbrushes after use and talk about all things art. We discuss the inevitable emo-art-teenage-journal phase, the harsh censorship that comes with self expression and make surprising references to Coldplay. Marley struggles to take the interview questions seriously, Zammit reminisces about the six months he spent in art school and Tessa just wants people to understand her deep angsty emotions. So join the gang as they bust out the glitter paint, give the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel a makeover and play poker with Zammit’s bondage-themed deck of cards. It’s messy, inspiring and more than a little cringeworthy upon further inspection. Want to help Marley and Tessa track down Zammit’s folio? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in a former art student’s life. And don’t forget to get your free audible book download and a 30 day free tr