Up Yours, Downstairs!

For their recap of The Crown, S1E4, Tom and Kelly welcome Failure to Launch co-host and noted critic of The Crown Molly Sanchez! Together, they cough-shame London, pitch an adaptation of Devil in the White City, discuss Sky Law, wonder about the Buffalo Bill of sheep, agree that humanity sucks apart from inventing Hot Cheetos with Lime and strawberry sour belts, spot a cameo from Jimmy Carter, and call the wind Donora. Kelly has a rare butt deficiency, Tom reminds us that women can be writers, and Molly’s tweets don’t get the respect they deserve. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

A very hungry Kelly & Tom welcome back guest Natasha Muse for their recap of The Crown S1E3, and they spend a lot of time complaining about how their pizza didn’t get delivered. They also come up with a hit pop single, describe the Kato Kaelin of England, go to the BroB/Gyn, CGI a mustache, break the fourth wall a bunch of times, try to get to the bottom of Prince Albert in a can, discuss the transitive axiom in RE Winston Churchill, and enjoy some secondhand Malkovich. Kelly stops trying to turn the podcast into therapy, Tom explains how to get rid of awkward silences, and Natasha buys a person. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their recap of The Crown S1E2, Kelly & Tom cover all three dimensions. They discuss the water of sexual harassment, Britain’s difficulty with filming its colonial history, interchangeable feet, gypsy curses, and a genuinely heartbreaking moment. Kelly nearly does a spit take, Tom writes a new Cole Porter song, and everyone agrees that Victoria is a dumb name. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom welcome Red Scott of Boars, Gore & Swords for their first recap of the Netflix Original The Crown. They are relieved to report it is an actual show (unlike late period Selfridge) and delighted as they witness the toff version of a company offsite, explain what Gogglebox is, rate the many portrayals of Churchill, and take advantage of numerous opportunities to impersonate Kif from Futurama. All this, plus the return of Fashion Backwards and Tom Repeats History as Kelly extols the virtues of “Fum Fum Fum,” Tom points out that vaping wasn’t an option in the 1950s, and Red finally gets to talk about camera equipment. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom dip into their bottomless well of floozy jokes for their recap of the final episode of Mr. Selfridge. They speculate on the George Towler/baby intelligence continuum, wish Lady Mae would join a sort of Parisian First Wives’ Club, chat about Trading Spaces, continue whining about the absence of Beatrice, declare Mr. Selfridge the Jimmy Fallon of retail magnates, don’t recognize Meryl, and come up with a Selfridge Babies spin-off. Kelly loves casseroles, Tom wishes the IRA still did fun stuff, and everyone laments the dear, departed tea emporium. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom soldier bravely on through their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E9. They are pretty sure time is still a flat circle, George Towler is still a super genius, Alan Greenspan gets name-checked, Mr. Grove is cross from beyond the grave, and Eyebrows has a brand-new bag. Kelly can’t remember the name of the book Mr. Selfridge is based on, Tom discovers Circopedia.com, and everyone continues to make fun of Jeremy Piven’s mercury poisoning. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E8, Kelly and Tom really lay into Eyeliner for pretending to solve racism. They finally bid Mr. Grove a not particularly fond farewell, wonder why New New Gordon’s kids are wearing dresses, applaud Mr. Crabb’s business reasons, and continue to marvel at Jimmy Dillon’s swank apartment from the 1980s. Kelly correctly identifies morphine, Tom explains how to win a Newbery medal, and everyone gathers for drinks at the Nepotists’ Lounge. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom shout a list of the most British things they know in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E7. They also shout NO at Lady Mae and Kitty a bunch of times, encourage Mr. Selfridge to finally hire a lawyer, talk smack about Spinner from Degrassi, and briefly experience actual feelings. Kelly invents Floozies Anonymous, Tom makes a reservation for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and everyone wonders how this series can keep getting worse. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom shout a collective “WTF” in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E6. They marvel at the Picture of Dorian’s Uncle, wonder how much actual time has passed this season, question Fraser’s fitness as butler, gloat as Mr. Selfridge finally has to pay his bill, and nominate a much better head of security than George Towler. Kelly lets loose her opinions on Gilmore Girls, Tom explains how Europe works, and the drop waist continues its tyranny. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom record their recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E5 live from a Burger King! Not really, but what an idea! They continue to not do their research as Bumby Wallace makes his stunning, fictional debut, Harry continues to not pay his bills, the shambling corpse of Grardle lurches on, Meryl continues to not be able to act in either a literal or meta sense, there is a severe lack of Tillie AND Beatrice, and George Towler: Medical Experiment continues unabated. Kelly name-checks Tuck Everlasting, Tom compliments a damn fine egg, and everyone agrees there must always be a Winslow in Chicago. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom choose to be…a Ritz in this recap of Mr. Selfridge S4E4. They confirm that they are not watching Game of Thrones, have numerous criticisms of AA Milne and Christopher Robin, criticize Mustache’s life choices, wish for a Mardle/Kitty spin-off, and talk even more smack about floozies. Kelly reveals her favorite phone number, Tom reveals that Bob is his uncle, and everyone looks forward to the publication of “Crabbe makes a call.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom establish a trust with Mr. Selfridge S4E3, because they like to gamble like rich people. They also breathe a sigh of relief about Kitty’s childbearing prospects, hate Meryl AND Mr. Grove, confuse Violette for Rosalie, continue to question why Mr. Selfridge is drinking so much, marvel at Elizabeth Arden’s messy suite, wonder if Chekhov’s Philandering Pilot will ever show up, and everyone tries to name all the gingers on the show. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom realize that S4E2 of Mr. Selfridge is as far as they watched, so it’s all new to them from here on out. They feel that the credits music is getting more and more inappropriate each week, clock two named black characters in the episode (good job, Eyeliner; your move, Baron Julian), lament the loss of the tea emporium alongside Mr. Crabbe, look disapprovingly at the Artful Porter’s development, and say goodbye to a mostly beloved character as Harry goes on and on and on… See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom return at last with their very belated coverage of Mr. Selfridge S4E1! They struggle to remember why they hated this season so very much, herald the return of Lady Mae, welcome two brand new floozies and a very ugly mug, lament the continued absence of Miss Towler and Monsieur LeClair, plan to see Harry “next fall,”and everyone demands to know when we can expect Our Dark Mistress Beatrice to finally darken the doors of Selfridge’s once more in accordance with the prophecy. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom completely geek out over the S3 finale of Peaky Blinders–so much so they have to totally wing the final scene. They cross their fingers for the return of Horse Bitch in S4, declare Tatiana the winner of Peaky Blinders, note that all the guys got new hats, and marvel yet again at Tom Hardy’s awesomeness. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom recap the penultimate episode of Peaky Blinders S3 and hope for a happy ending for Pol, wonder if it’s too soon for Bowie’s Lazarus (it’s never too soon), reflect on the awesomeness of Russian lingerie, celebrate the return of Alfie Solomons, and demand a BAFTA for Paul Anderson. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom thoroughly enjoy recapping S3E4 of Peaky Blinders (the Entourage or Walking Dead of the UK, depending on who you’re talking to), one of the show’s best hours. They discuss the highly upsetting 1953 film Lili, the Shelby women finally getting their cool af day in the sun, Kelly’s awareness of Latin, Tom’s remembrance of a Dunkin’ Donuts campaign, and mashing up Peaky Blinders with It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom finally return to their podcasting ways with this recap of Peaky Blinders S3E1! They continue to say GRAAAAAAAACE despite no longer having much of a reason to, have a surprising discussion of Thornton Wilder’s Our Town, try to decide where aristocrats go, wonder why Arthur is suddenly the voice of reason, lust after Tommy Shelby 2.0, and fail to remember Jeremiah’s son’s name. Kelly hollers at the harmful one, Tom makes a really excellent pun, and everyone demands a box of wine. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

And so Downton Abbey ends, not with a bang, but with a Denker. Kelly & Tom recap S6E9 in slightly more emotional fashion than usual, but they still manage to pitch the spinoff “McG: Hospital Administrator,” wonder why Matthew Goode didn’t just take a job as Downton’s butler, hope that the eventual Downton movie is called “In the Boot Room,” promise to invite a unicorn on the podcast, visit OldPeopleBone.com, come up with a better name for Rose’s baby, and talk smack about period maternity clothes. Kelly guesses we’re all crash widows now, Tom provides insight into the history of advice columns, and everyone agrees that real life is the greatest Rifftrax of them all. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In Part One of their two-part recap of the Downton Abbey finale, Kelly and Tom fight off tears as they come to the end of a long, strange journey. They give Highclere Castle what-for, reveal Andy’s secret fashion design career, discuss the origins of Molesley’s baldness, long for the return of the Donk, praise Cruikshank’s villainy, suggest a Dr. Seuss book about Thomas Barrow, unveil the true meaning of “puttin’ on the Ritz,” and discover who the real crash widow of the episode is. Kelly explores the history of nail polish, Tom is a Benicio del Whoro, and everyone finds Mary’s smile unsettling. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.