Up Yours, Downstairs!

Welcome back to Yorkshire, Cousins!  At long last, Kelly & Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E1!  They lay out their Linney strategy, speculate about Mary’s fertility, complain about how bitchy all the characters got while on hiatus, go into mourning for McG’s hat, come up with a Branson/Matthew spinoff, wish that Sybil had spent her travel money on a new wardrobe, marvel at the beauty of Larry Gray’s permasneer, unexpectedly find themselves on Team Edith, and of course, extol the many virtues of Dame Maggie Smith.  Plus, Kelly gets in deep with cloche hats, Tom corrects Baron Fellowes on the finer historical points of the Grand Trunk Railway debacle, and both of them say “Shank Bates” eleventy-million times apiece. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom wish the Cousins happy holidays with this special podcast covering Mary Poppins! They discuss the film’s hidden protagonist, what was really going on during that “jolly holiday,” Dick Van Dyke’s accent, PL Travers’ dealings with Walt Disney, the fastest bath in history, whether or not Mary Poppins was a secret Communist, and the way the Banks kids are ugly/adorable.  Everyone’s favorite twosome also reveals how to talk to a Scottish prostitute, the way everyone in Edwardian times desperately needed television, and why they live in squalor.  A very happy new year to all!  Tune in January 6 for the latest in UYDS Downton Abbey Series 3 recaps! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s mainly history in this second “Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards” episode as Kelly and Tom give book reports on Black Edwardians by Jeffrey Green and Edward and the Edwardians by Phillippe Jullian, neither of which are worth reading if you don’t host a Downton Abbey podcast.  They also pitch a reboot of The Craft starring Britain’s grand old dames, express disgust at the nickname “Tum-Tum,” debate the proper pronunciation of WEB DuBois’ last name, reveal Kelly’s secret identity, and Tom plans a visit to the Gogol House of Ill Repute. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

SPOILER ALERT: Kelly & Tom break off their engagement with A Room With a View early on in this podcast.  They still talk about it–at length–but despite their undying love of Cecil, they just can’t sign off on the Merchant Ivory classic.  Fortunately, they do manage to reveal Queen Elizabeth II’s favorite film, brainstorm Twitter handles for EM Forster characters, muse about male nudity, explain proper library book etiquette, and identify Edwardian hipsters.  Kelly spends much of the episode dithering about whether or not she’s read the source material while Tom observes that many people have accused him of not knowing what a woman is.  SPOILER ALERT: They are looking forward to reviewing the 2007 TV version of ARWAV next year, so please calm yourselves, rabid Forster fans! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

At long last, Kelly and Tom finally say “smell ya later” to James Cameron’s Titanic.  They give Old Rose what for, speculate about what Young Rose did to survive once she arrived in New York, discuss the true meaning of “going Galt,” pine for vintage Britney Spears videos, watch Lovejoy tussle with some ghosts, and compare the Titanic cast to the cast of The Princess Bride.  They also announce the UYDS programming schedule for the rest of 2012, insult Gypsies, and once again wonder what happened to Sven.  NOTE: The episode is much more exciting than this description makes it sound. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom embark on the second leg of their exciting voyage aboard James Cameron’s Titanic with lots of singing, sauciness, and silly voices.  They discuss government-funded icebergs, Rose and Sven fanfic, Bill Paxton’s haircut, weird racial epithets, Jack’s invisibility bowler, and how to be naked without really looking poor.  Kelly extols the virtues of a guilty Victor Garber, Tom affirms his preference for cinematic boobs and/or death, and two Cousins who avoided seeing Titanic for over a decade tell their stories! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this first of a three-part exploration of James Cameron’s bloated, beautiful, Oscar-winning Titanic, Kelly and Tom name themselves Cousins of the Week, critique the slipshod enforcement of Titanic’s health inspections, and wonder who brought all the free beer in steerage. They are also baffled by Leo Dicaprio’s lack of a Wisconsin accent, the exact location of the whore’s quarters, and what happened to Sven. All this, plus Kelly’s feelings on spaghetti, Tom’s preference for action titties, and which ingredients might make a Tomandkelly cocktail. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Up Yours, Downstairs! is proud to present (at long last) the “Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards” standalone episode!  Herein lies a collection of fascinating facts and titillating trends from the Edwardian period, never before discussed on this podcast!  The most exciting tidbits include tales of China’s Qing Dynasty (aka 100 Years of Humiliation), the convoluted culture of contraception in the UK and abroad, and a shocking revelation about Edwardian nipple piercing! Kelly contemplates touring the ex-Mormon comedy circuit, Tom reveals why King Edward VII was the world’s worst wingman, and both hosts apologize for their laziness and dumb conversations about Looper. Thanks to Cousin Chris, Cousin Holly, and the indispensible Evangeline Holland for contributing some knowledge on this one. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The second half of Julian Fellowes’ Titanic is slightly better than the first half, but not by much.  Kelly and Tom bid farewell to stink town (aka Julian Fellowes’ Titanic) and discuss why Baron Julian gave Lyndsey Marshal the O’Brien treatment, the make-out scene guaranteed to put the spark back in any marriage, and whether there was any religious diversity among the survivors of the Titanic disaster.  Kelly busts out her Christopher Lloyd impersonation, Tom hasn’t learned anything from That 70s Show, and the Cousins send in some super letters. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom are vastly disappointed by the first half of Julian Fellowes’ Titanic miniseries, but that doesn’t mean there’s no fun to be had.  Come along on a fantastic voyage where stops include the worst movie on IMDB, sexy Russians, and the discovery of Titanic: Blood & Steel.  Your intrepid hosts also marvel at the fact that Julian Fellowes is singlehandedly employing all of Britain’s actors, English people doing American accents, and the many bitches who boarded Titanic.  All this, plus a special appearance by Thomas Wayne! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom wrap up their recap of Manor House the way they started–by getting blasted with love and shouts and screams of joy, courtesy of returning guest, Natasha Muse!  Laughs are thick on the table (like unhidden talents) as the gang invents words (like Mr. Edgar), tries to place a bet with florins (like Rob), and spend a lot of time discussing Ray Liotta’s brains (like no one in the history of ever).  Tom briefly turns into a Tennessee Williams character, Kelly recounts a time her parents failed to embarrass her, and Natasha hypothesizes about what “perks” Scottish citizens might be entitled to.  All this, plus a description of the coolest and least convenient telephone ever invented! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their penultimate recap of Manor House, Kelly & Tom reveal the Edwardian equivalent of Shark Week, chat about past and present problems of race in the British empire, and exhibit a strange focus on Dayton, OH.  The residents of Manderston pull off both a Raj supper and fancy dress ball, Reggie Raj Singh is simultaneously sympathetic and off-putting, and Master Guy plays the drums.  All this, plus the requisite Monsieur Dubiard freakout/Lord OC grossout and the return of Lavigne! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Isis ate their Tom Repeats History/Fashion Backwards homework, so Kelly & Tom host a spicy recap of Manor House Episode 4 and get really mad about fox hunting.  Lavigne demonstrates Maggie Smith levels of awesomeness, Monsieur Dubiard remains the Chuck Norris of Manderston, and Master Guy delivers withering glares at the camera.  While Kelly makes more obscure references than usual and plans an outreach event for prostitutes, Tom explains the difference between Jules Verne and Robert Zemeckis.  All this, plus the long-awaited answer to the question “How the heck do Edwardian women use the bathroom in all those skirts?!” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Comedian and bon vivant Guy Branum joins Kelly & Tom for their recap of Manor House Episode 3, “The Servants Revolt.” The group reveal their ideal roles both upstairs and down, recoil at the sight of Edwardian hairballs, and dish about their hopes for Downton Abbey Series 3.  Other topics include Morrison’s O’Brien-esque tendencies, the many ways that Antonia is awesome, whether or not Kenny the Hall Boy wears makeup, the unbearable beigeness of Lord and Lady OC, and the disappointing lack of both Master Guy and Monsieur Dubiard in this episode. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom recap Manor House E2 and return to snarking as usual .  After they catch up on their long-neglected correspondence, Tom develops strong feelings about fox hunting while Kelly imagines a Twilight-esque love triangle with Rob and Charlie.  Meanwhile, back at Manderston, Monsieur Dubiard makes Mrs. Patmore look like Santa Claus, Mr. Edgar turns into Depressing Mr. Rogers, Lord and Lady OC remain a perfect example of why people have violent revolutions, and everyone learns how important it is to put bros before butlers. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Comedian (and returning guest) Natasha Muse joins Tom and Kelly as they dive into Episode One of Manor House and all the curiosity about bathroom breaks that entails.  The trio discusses the worst idea since Dance Moms, the Human Centipede of alarm clocks, Jay-Z’s inevitable production of The Music Man, and the greatest bromance of 1905. Kelly waxes nostalgic for a simpler era of reality television, Tom longs for a biscuit jar, and Natasha advocates for the removal of pants.  All this, plus a bunch of stuff for which you’d gladly pay top dollar–for free! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom take special guest Sam Roth on a weekend trip to get all up in the loins of Gosford Park, where they encounter a surprising amount of factory rape, a mesmerizing performance from one of the lesser Dames, and Ryan Phillipe’s coffee-scented penis.  Kelly perfects her impression of Kelly McDonald while Tom and Sam wear pajamas and braid each other’s mustaches.  The gang also discuss the proper way to eat jam in a tuxedo, the always-giffable Maggie Smith, and invent a new line of Up Yours, Downstairs! branded merchandise. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom’s final recap of Downton Abbey Series 2 is light on the Christmas, heavy on the special!  Matthew goes full emo, Isis pulls a Great Escape, Mary mines the literary canon for humor, Jinksy gets caught with his robe on, and the hall boy speaks!  Kelly & Tom wax emotional about the Cousins, try to predict what Baron Fellowes has in store for Series 3, and award this year’s final rating on the Maggie Smith Scale of Maggie Smiths!  All this, plus Lord Grantham and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Sequence of Events. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom wish all the Cousins happy holidays in this recap of “Christmas at Downton Abbey.”  They dream of Bates roasting on an open fire, punching Thomas in the nose, Yuletide secrets that are Mary-inspired, and folks dressed up like Jack and Rose.  Everybody knows a pudding and some legal woes help to make the season bright.  And like Maggie said, many times, many ways, “What’s a week-end?”  What’s a weekend, to you? See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom wrap up Downton Abbey Series 2 with a neat little mourning armband and a rollicking case of Spanish influenza.  They decry the tomfoolery of Baron Julian, propose articles for Sir Richard Carlisle’s weekly newspaper column, debate Pope-marrying etiquette, chronicle Robert’s rise to Full Grantham, and get way too excited to finally see the dim lights of Ripon.  Kelly impersonates a succession of old drunken British dudes, Tom answers the age-old riddle, “How is McG like a goldfish,” and the Cousins weigh in like never before! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.