Up Yours, Downstairs!

Kelly and Tom run their coverage of Titanic: BS straight into an iceberg with this quick and dirty recap of the final five episodes. They talk about Simple Jack perhaps more than necessary, complain about Muir and Princess Steel, wish Michael McCann was in a better show, marvel at the resourcefulness of one “Kitty Burlington,” get mad at the elder Mr. Hatton, watch Sofia almost-but-not-quite cry, wonder what happened to Liam, rejoice at the return of Sad Andrea, and wish this was a show about German spycraft in the years leading up to World War One. Kelly does a pretty solid impression of Derek Jacobi, Tom rates the series “a fart minus,” and they definitely don’t take any dramatic pauses on the way up the Titanic gangplank. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom continue their arduous slog through Titanic BS with their recap of Episode 7.  They celebrate the return of Chris Noth’s mustache, puzzle over Neve Campbell’s otherworldly, hideously costumed press agent, start shipping Malandrews, wonder what happened to Sad Andrea, kill a German munitions supplier, encourage the Cousins to open a bar and grocery, talk a lot about rivets, and transmute some bread into steel. Kelly accidentally reads a telegram like a Dalek, Tom feverishly reads Wikipedia sites, and both of them wonder how standards and practices work for the Starz network. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, Kelly & Tom skip ahead to Titanic BS Episode 6 on account of Episode 5 containing more BS than usual.  There, they anticipate being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, figure out whether we are supposed to feel bad for Kitty Carlton, find a new favorite solicitor, hope that Violetta is hooking, mistake a German for an Irishman, wonder how many mini-Muirs Mark has left in his wake, and fall freckles-over-heels in love with a ginger.   All this, and Kelly wants to set a Whole Foods on fire, Tom defines thinking, and they have a great time playing Marry, F*ck, Kill with the fictional population of Belfast. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of Titanic BS Episode 3, Kelly and Tom go on the hunt to locate Ewan McGregor, capture some escaped blue, explain Bastille Day to hipsters, reform the educational system, spot an attractive ginger, and give career counseling to Sad Andrea. Lord Pirrie’s hat is sincere, Sofia’s button is suspicious, Dad’s gin bottle is traditional, and Chris Noth’s mustache is still on the lam. Kelly invents a new catchphrase, Tom reveals his cinematic past, and everybody is drunk (it’s Julian Fellowes’ fault). See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this belated recap of Titanic BS E2 (now with a spaghetti co-host!), Kelly & Tom marvel at the Muirscope, demand more of JP Morgan’s mustache, rejoice at the return of Lady Skunkhead, balk at the beigeness of the Hatton family, gape at Kitty’s brazenness, wonder if Lord Pirrie and Mr. Andrews are related, and laugh and laugh at Simple Jack. Kelly attempts to make an offensive rhyme about Irish people, Tom advises our Cousin of the Week to sleep his way to the top, and nobody likes Andrea. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, Kelly and Tom finally get around to recapping Titanic BS–no steel barons allowed! Amidst the color saturated splendor and completely inappropriate sexual tension of Edwardian Belfast, they marvel at Neve Campbell’s “acting,” the period-appropriate whores, the machinations of the Onion Organizer, Stephen Oven-Bake, and Chris Noth’s mustache’s fantastic performance as Jiggery Pokery Morgan. Kelly explains how the keel-laying ceremony keeps ship-sinking demons at bay, Tom wishes he was a press liaison in the 1900s, and everyone is thrilled to find out that Mr. Leclair has shown up in an unexpected place! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s time to close the doors on Series One of Mr. Selfridge–we think. It’s possible that Jeremy Piven has been running around, setting all the clocks five minutes ahead. Kelly and Tom get unbelievably angry at Mr. Grove, imagine Sherlock Without Sherlock, weigh the pros and cons of living like the Eskimo, worry that Rosalie has appendicitis, laugh at King Edward VII, introduce Crabvilius shipping, discuss how duchesses never fart, marvel at Ellen Love’s new gravity-defying hairdo, and wonder why the hell it’s so easy to make the audience at Tony’s play laugh. Kelly actually cries about the departure of several characters, Tom busts out his French accent again, and both of them can’t wait to see what tricks Eyeliner has up his makeup-stained sleeve for Series Two. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly & Tom go nuts for tea huts in their coverage of Mr. Selfridge Episodes 7 & 8. Their more quick-witted than usual observations extend to remembering that Drunky McGin exists, the plight of colorblind Edwardians, the return of Lady May’s hair bra, how Selfridge’s might have capitalized on the sinking of Titanic, Mr. LeClair’s snazzy new iPhonograph, an imagined MySpace rivalry between Baron Julian and Eyeliner, Rosalie Selfridge and the vexing strap, “Umberland” as a unit of measurement, and the many dangers of automated nutcrackers. In addition, Kelly thinks Doris and Bobcat Goldthwaite are the same person, Tom spots a pair of egregious anachronisms, and everyone laments the return of Roddy “The Rodent” Temple. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this recap of Mr.Selfridge episodes 5 & 6, Kelly and Tom crash headlong into a heap of scandal! They go to the papers with tales of gin-soaked bums, Jeremy Piven’s excellent yelling skills, a (nearly) fool-proof method of telling the Selfridge children apart, Lady May’s gigolo-naming system, which ‘ships are okay to support, the worst flashback sequence of all time, and the excellent performances of Ellen Love, Rose Selfridge, and Josie Mardle. Kelly plans to write Jordan Baker fan fiction, Tom spots a really egregious anachronism, and everyone blames Mrs. Crabbe for everything while they join the No Gordons Allowed Club. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom return at long last with a recap of Mr. Selfridge episodes 3 & 4 sure to delight and amaze even the most curmudgeonly Cousins! They cover the awfulness of Viking River Cruises and the PBS video player, the over/under on whether Lady May and Ellen Love are actually vampires, Fake Gyllenhaal’s dilettantism, Nude Day at Selfridge’s, dick-flavored chicken, getting married in pubs, Bohemian scammers, and why Piven doesn’t ever just yell “BLENKINSOP!” All this, plus Kelly cuts several lines of cocaine history, Tom almost eats a photograph, and it is decided that every woman should have a Leclair moment. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom set out to change the way the internet experiences Mr. Selfridge. Their discussion of the two-hour Masterpiece Classic premiere involves a LOT of made-up names, LinneyWatch 2013, the smile that dropped a thousand panties, the Ginger Gregson, a Torchwood alien, and the niceness of people being nice to one another. All this, plus Kelly is the Regina George of slumber parties, Tom is declared an honorary woman, and the Cousins grace us with a plethora of lengthy, informative Telegrams. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom wrap up their wrap-up discussion of Downton Abbey, Series 3. They ponder how to solve a problem like Molesley, the ever changing cast of babies, Isis-shaped lamps, the merits of sharing a diaper with a monkey, Ireland’s lack of cinematic quality, the real Dante’s Inferno, Mary’s similarity to the Queen Mother, the new musical sensation Thoroughly Dismayed Lord Grantham, the downstairs love pentagram, and Murray-related activities. Kelly reveals her latent telekinesis, Tom disparages the works of M. Night Shayamalan, and they both resume bashing Sadie and the Hotheads. Don’t forget, March 19 is your last chance to enter to win a Kindle Fire from BaldMove.com! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This week, to the surprise of everyone, including themselves, Kelly and Tom kick off the first of a two-part (possibly three-part) Downton Abbey Series Three recap discussion! They cover alternative ways to write Matthew Crawley out of the show, the failings of the TARDIS when parsing trans-Atlantic slang, whether or not twigs are allowed in British prisons, heroin-addled costume designers, the heir to Sunny Marlborough’s lifetime of bad decisions, how to play Snapdragon, and the gayest name ever. Kelly tries not to fall victim to a poison pie, Tom gets misty about Mrs. Hughes, and they both plead with Baron Julian to let them write punchup on Series Four. Don’t forget, you can win a free Kindle Fire from UYDS’s parent network, BaldMove.com! Be sure to enter by March 19th! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In their final super-sized Downton Abbey recap for this season, Kelly and Tom finally catch up with the rest of the world as the events of “Journey to the Highlands” unfold.  They chat about Lady Mary’s magically disappearing baby bump, the Crawley House motto, Branson’s Home Alone experience, Rose’s side-boob, haggis hats, O’Brien’s utterly terrifying Scottish counterpart, the long-awaited appearance of Shrimpie, the inexplicable demon/assassin/alien maid Edna, ghillies and their speak, Helen Mirren joining the DA cast, what Jimmy Kent gets up to on his days off, a Nield & the Gang spinoff and of course, SYBBIE!   Kelly reveals her childhood connection to carnies, Tom reaffirms his undying devotion to Lady Mary, and both of them come up with a great Downton-inspired name for their first child. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Take a tour of the revolting world of a double-wide episode of UYDS!  In this episode, Kelly and Tom recap Downton Abbey S3:E7 and S3:E8 in an attempt to reconcile themselves with PBS’ dumb programming schedule. Not only do they cover two totally riveting episodes, but Kelly attempts to sing the score of Norman & Simon’s The Secret Garden, Tom casts aspersions on the fair city of Elko, NV, and everyone sheds a little tear for Thomas.  They also discuss Sybbie’s giant melon head, McG’s hypnotic droopy eye, sympathy for the devil, limp ninjas, a lot of love for Madge, Alice, and the hallboys, Mary’s (alleged) baby thievery, Edith’s total domination of fashion this series, the worst poem in the world, brunch etiquette, Ethel’s shopping list, and all the cricket you can shake a century at, or whatever it is people shake at things. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

This recap of Downton Abbey S3:E6 is brought to you courtesy of podcast network BaldMove.com, the new home of UYDS! Kelly and Tom discuss crackpot theories, ways to make the podcast profitable, and the joy of wordplay. They also criticize Mrs. Bartlett’s wallpaper, Isobel’s face, and Bates’s very existence. They also seek out a mirror for O’Brien, a musical role for Jimmy Kent, a magical spell for Baron Fellowes, and a surprising possible identity for Thomas’s erotic pen pal. In addition, Tom delves deep into pagan folderol, Kelly runs down the elusive foxtrot, and more from everybody’s best friend, Wikipedia! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom sob their way through this emotional recap of Downton Abbey S3:E5, possibly one of the best episodes of the show to date.  The tearful twosome observe Daisy’s rapid transformation into Mrs. Patmore, Junior; welcome converts to the Church of Shank Bates; roll their eyes at the wacky exploits of Ethel in the kitchen; reveal who, in fact, is the walrus; marvel anew at the sheer awesomeness of Dame Maggie Smith, and wish that Thomas would find his own clock to wind.  Kelly demands a pie TARDIS, Tom finds a ridiculous description of medicinal history, and both of them make an unacceptable number of references to Macbeth. Also, once again, HERE BE CRYNG, so keep a hankie handy. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom recap the dumbest thing ever, AKA Downton Abbey S3:E4.  On the plus side, this episode features Thomas’s erotic pen pal, toffee noses, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess, a newfangled electric toaster, Ethel’s plotline finally paying some dividends and the really, really, ridiculously good-looking Jimmy Kent. Unfortunately, it also includes far too much Murder Prison, Branson being a completely out-of-character moron, the comedy stylings of the Dowager Countess (yes, again), everything interesting happening offscreen, wretched editing, and a bizarre scene that might be about alien babies.  Kelly tries to figure out the origins of Isobel’s Whore Institute, Tom tells tales of badass ladies who were also Irish rebels, and they both plea for more Linney! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom celebrate the Year of the Twat in their recap of Downton Abbey S3:E3. They discuss O’Brien’s pickled bangs, Isobel’s Whore Institute, the adventures of Anna Bates, PI, the reason it’s hard to call Branson ‘Tom,’ McG’s unexpected ascendance to the show’s official voice of reason, the ins and outs of European car rental in 1920, and why the chronically understaffed Downton Abbey has such a generous PTO policy. Plus, Kelly won’t shut up about Ever After, Tom explains the origins of the treadmill, and everyone feels just awful for Edith. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Kelly and Tom are bringing strumpet back in this recap of Downton Abbey S3E2. Daisy reveals herself as the Cassandra of Downton, Matthew and Mary keep having sex in lieu of an honest conversation about finance, our favorite replacement ginger reappears, Reed’s magical origins are uncovered, and MacL shares a sexually charged moment with the Dowager Countess. Kelly wonders if there was ever really a time when she didn’t hate Matthew, Tom hopes Anna’s garter is for her second husband, and they alter their pronunciation of “McL” so the Cousins won’t think they are talking about Passions. All this, plus “Flight of the Molesley!” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.