Thomas And The Bible

More adventures of Elijah, and then Ahab who is actually totally cool is obviously hated by the lord of dickery. What an asshole.

So now some boring kings fall into a pattern of coming into power, being corrupt, and being killed. Rinse. Repeat. And then we get introduced to Elijah who has the tiniest potential to be maybe somewhat interesting some day.

So Solomon has passed and now his boring kingdom has been boringly split up. Some boring people are going to argue over it, boringly. And then a weird story about some prophets. And god shows incredibly poor judgment.

Today we learn more about Solomon. He does almost nothing but collect a ton of gold, bang chicks and then dies. Wow, he's like the original gangster. Except that he didn't die as a result of foul play.. Still. Anyway he's the best king so far.

Today we get one chapter of totally boring construction tips, and then a chapter of a prayer. I feel like I had kind of a breakthrough in this one though. Tune in to find out what that was!

Alright so Solomon has become king, and now he has to do a bunch of boring things to set up his kingdom. EXCITING. It's hard to stop doing ironic capitalization. It's always funny. Or at least somewhat funny. Kinda chuckly. I'M NOT STOPPING.

Gavid is passing on, finally. It's time for someone to take over his fabulous reign! Who will it be? It's one of his two sons. KILLER CLIFFHANGER!!!!! You'll have to tune in to find out which one.

We've reached the end of David's reign of terror (I think). In this episode we see the gritty sequel to David and Goliath; 2 David 2 Goliath. It's more action packed and gives you everything the first one lacked.

As one rebellion is squashed, another one rises. That's what happens when you're a terrible king I guess. Guys, check out the live stream. It's lots of fun.

Joab pulls a fast but totally obvious one on David to get him to invite Absalom back, but this proves to be a bad decision when Absalom totally ruins David's life and takes over his kingdom and stuff. Stupid Joab. Idiot.

Well it didn't take long for David to turn into a complete douche. I guess the loss of your boyfriend can do that. Anyway then there's some incest that happens.

This is my first UStreamed episode! Check out the stream and I will be broadcasting all future episodes live! Anyway, David continues to act fabulously and stuff. Bible.

When the dust settles in the war between Saul and David, who will be left standing? Well, David it turns out, but not really because he did anything, except mourn the loss of his gay lover Jonathan; another casualty of this cruel, boring war.

We are finishing first Samuel today! Can't wait to move on to second Samuel, even though Samuel is still quite dead. Saul travels to the forest moon of Endor to see an Ewok who can produce a hologram of Samuel for him to talk to.

Well Saul is the laziest king there is. He just can't sit still and do king stuff for ten minutes without storming out to go kill David for no reason. Then again, with how much of an entitled prick David ends up being, I'm starting to sympathize...

David and Jonathan continue their gay relationship right under Saul's nose. Meanwhile Saul completely disregards his duties as king in order to chase David around the galaxy trying to kill him for no reason.

Me vs the bible is like David and Goliath. The bible is this Goliath of shit, this monstrous piece of garbage, and I'm like David. Except I really don't think I could just throw a small stone at the problem and have it die instantly. Alas.

We have a very famous reading which reminds me of the late, great Christopher Hitchens. I miss him. Who cares about this dumb book, Hitchens is gone, which sucks. Anyway, some people are slaughtered, as per usual.

Samuel continues his fake reign as head god communicator person. The Israelites really want a head boring idiot person to run their band of boring idiot people. They call this hypothetical idiot a "king". This doesn't sit well with Samuel.

God works in mysterious ways... No I mean really mysterious ways. Like think of the part of your body that you would like to be MOST mysterious to other people... yeah that part. God seriously violates that part of many people in this episode. Really.