Rotten Tomato Soup

Lonely loveboy or tiny chubby small boy? We're spanning the whole length of Joaquin Phoenix's life stew this week, from baby tiny man to actual man. And can I just say? It gets pretty cute up in here. Fresh Winner: "Her" Rotten Loser: "Rusky"

Puttering wizard or Russian chief of police? Get yourself a big heaping bowl of absolute-LEE delicious stew. See what I did there? Yeah that joke was a piece of fine fucking art compared to the caliber of humor we got from Mission to Moscow. Fresh Winner: "Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers" Rotten Loser: "Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow."

Irish immigrant or capable cartoon love interest? Get ready to have yourself some of those delicious Irish flavors as we spoon out some Saorise, and don't worry, we had to look up how to pronounce it too. Fresh Winner: "Brooklyn" Rotten Loser: "Justin and the Knights of Valor"

Patsy Cline or deranged yet somehow not incestuous mother? Hey we've got some leftover Jessica Lange in the fridge and OWO? WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER COUNTRY SINGER BIOPIC? Fresh Winner: "Sweet Dreams" Rotten Loser: "Hush"

Teenage heart-throb trickster god or Hank Williams? The soup kitchen is aiming to fix your Tom Hiddleston hunger this week. Just be warned: that man has far too many teeth for the size of his mouth. Fresh Winner: "The Avengers" Rotten Loser: "I Saw The Light"

Period piece nice man or...period...piece...nice man? This week we're slorping out some Alan Rickman may he rest in peace. No seriously. We loved you very much. All respect. Fresh Winner: "Sense and Sensibility" Rotten Loser: "A Promise"

Badass space hero or 80's honeypot? This week we're spooning out some Sigourney soup for all the hungry little boys and girls out there, just some grade-a very, very, VERY bad 80's satire with basically the greatest movie of all time. Fresh Winner: "Aliens" Rotten Loser: "Deal of the Century"

Furry chief of police or hoop-dunking priest? This week we're serving up some Idris Elba egg drop soup as we try and figure out just how spooky we can make a fun buddy-cop adventure. Also everyone's an animal. Fresh winner: "Zootopia" Rotten loser: "The Unborn"

Banking guru or definite, not-up-for-debate wife murderer? This week we've got ourselves a Ryan Gosling gumbo a-cookin. Fresh winner: "The Big Short" Rotten loser: "All Good Things"

Unrelated mortal or dissatisfied warrior? This week we're serving up a Ziyi Zhang zupas combo, get one sandwich and any small soup or salad for 8.99 at Zupas. Fresh winner: "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" Rotten loser: "Zu Warriors"

Nazi-nailing detective or S O C I A L S E R V I C E S? This week we're serving up Tilda Swinton tomato soup. Fresh winner: "Moonrise Kingdom" Rotten loser: "The Statement"

CIA agent or reckless kidnapper who is definitely from Arizona and not the deep south? This week we're serving up some Nicolas Cage consemme. Fresh winner: "Raising Arizona" Rotten loser: "Dying of the Light"

Bad fiance or cosmic protector? This week we're serving up some hot, CHUNKY Chris Pratt chowder. Fresh winner: "Guardians of the Galaxy" Rotten loser: "Bride Wars"