Selfwork With Dr. Margaret Rutherford | Self-help | Mental Health | Depression | Anxiety | Relationship Problems| Therapy

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if you get disappointed or you fail at something. And I ask these questions: Does being resilient mean you can't allow vulnerability? Or if you reveal vulnerability, does that reflect a lack of resilience? Here's my best answer. Our listener email is from someone who has fallen in love with a man whose son died within the last year. She wants some advice on how to be supportive in this very new but already special relationship. Important Links: Article on Dr. Victor Frankl and “logotherapy.” Psychology Today article by Maureen Healy on developing resilience You can hear more about this and many other topics by l

Today we’re going to cover two of the most frequent questions I hear -- how to find a therapist and how you know a therapist is right for you. The title of the episode has “new” in quotes because often what's old is new again, and that's certainly the case here!  We'll go over the seven factors that are found to make therapy the most effective it can be. What are those? Let's start out with the alliance between the therapist and the client. That's #1. The listener email today is from a young woman who’s in a relationship with someone who seems very depressed – who has had a difficult childhood, is a child of divorce and has been very influenced by a mother who has always seen the world very negatively. Her question is about her actions are seen as intentionally malicious. The listener doesn’t know what to do and is asking for advice, as currently she feels blamed irrationally and viewed through overly distrustful eyes. Important Links: Episode 001 SelfWork: What Is Good Therapy Ratings of

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Or there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from an demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied The listener email offers has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do? You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and rece

There are certain diagnoses that may be co-occurring with perfectly hidden depression (PHD) or could be confused with PHD. And the last thing I want is for anyone to label themselves PHD or identify with PHD and stop there – when instead, you may need to recognize that you're experiencing another type of psychological issue that warrants understanding and even treatment. Those diagnoses are Bipolar II disorder, Obsessive Compulsive disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. We'll talk today about what traits PHD and these other disorders have in common and what makes them distinct from one another. The listener email for the week comments on my habit of including research and ideas from other people on SelfWork -- and I respond about the "why" of that choice on my part. Important Links: The INFJ personality category or the Myers-Briggs Don't Panic by Reid Wilson Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson Bipolar II Disorder Meets criteri

Valentines can hold as much angst for people as the holiday season. And if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, then that pain can become more distinct. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love. Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my best to answer his question. Important Links: Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships Podcast on loving som

Kobe Bryant's family is only one of the many families who have to face an extremely harsh tragedy - the traumatic death of someone they love. There is a difference in this kind of grief because it's traumatic in the most pure sense. One second your world was safe, known and secure. And the next, it was not -- due to an extremely dramatic and out-of-the-ordinary experience that induces grief, disbelief, shock, fear, panic, or terror. There's not anything you can do about the loss. But there is something you can do, as well as things that are definitely not helpful. So we'll talk about it today on SelfWork. The listener email is from someone who asked how she could ever rid herself of a shame she has carried “from birth.” I didn’t understand so reached out to her for more explanation. Her answer as fascinating to me because after her explanation, it was clear to see that the shame didn’t belong to her at all. Important Links: A very moving article on the "seven others on board" as peopl

I’ve had several people write to me lately and explain that they are just pulling out of a slump or even worse, clinical depression. And they’re scared. Is there a time frame for what’s supposed to happen after a major depression has struck? How do you deal with some of the destructive choices you may have made when you were depressed? We’ll talk today about the factors that are important … and how to work with and manage your insecurity and fear of your depression returning. There's a lot of hope in new treatments that psychiatrists are prescribing for treatment resistant depression. We’ll touch on two of them --  Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and ketamine infusions -- both now being used to treat recurrent depression, cyclic disorders and recurrent suicidal ideation, and often meeting with good success. The listener email is from someone who calls herself a “social chameleon," which is the tendency to mimic the behaviors and actions of others while in their presence. Its traditional defini

In today’s SelfWork, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years.But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you. There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully. The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the right to be angry. Important L

Today we’re talking about the difference between narcissism and healthy narcissism. There are big differences and since the word "narcissistic" is being thrown around so much these days, I thought I’d do my part to keep things clear. I’m quoting three experts -- Dr. Dale Archer, Bob Taibbi, and Dr. Craig Malkin – all who have fascinating takes on the subject. I'd definitely recommend giving the links below a click to read more. You can also listen to three SelfWork episodes on narcissism and how I see it played out:  Episode 019 on how to cope with it in a relationship, Episode 122 on its relationship with love addiction, and Episode 127, dealing with two of the main manipulative techniques used -- gaslighting and stonewalling. The listener email is from a mom who’s overshared with her oldest daughter about her father’s financial issues and now regrets her actions. This kind of what's termed "enmeshment" in families happens often, when one parent or even both pull a child into a pseu

What happens in therapy that can be helpful? How does it work? These are basic questions that were brought to my attention during my recent interview with Lewis Howes on his podcast The School of Greatness. He and his team bring what they consider “great” ideas and ways of being to his listeners. And I was honored to be there. If you're interested in listening to his podcast, here it is! You can click here:  LewisHowes.com. Upgrade Your Mental Health with Dr. Margaret Rutherford Ep 895. I was intrigued with some of his questions. I sometimes forget that there are many people who don’t have a concept of what therapy is even like or what it’s purpose is. His questions grounded me in the reality most people have – that they’ve never tried therapy and don’t quite understand it. His questions dealt with shame, common reasons for seeking therapy, how I might define mental illness and are we all mentally ill, and how to recognize depression, especially if you’re a perfectionist or have trouble with denial. I fig

Welcome to 2020 and more SelfWork! First, thank you to everyone who’s purchased Perfectly Hidden Depression and left reviews. Those show up on Amazon as a verified purchase and are extremely important offering even more validity. So if you’ve been reading PHD, and when you’re done, two sentences on what you experienced would be extremely gratifying. Today we’re talking about the lack of sexual intimacy that so many couples are experiencing; in fact, research shows that  15 to 20% of committed relationships or marriages had become rarely if ever sexual. We’ll touch on ten of the most common reasons I've seen; some are probably familiar, some may be painful to hear, but some may surprise you. The listener email today is from a man who’s befriended someone with chronic abuse in her past (with a diagnosis of C-PTSD) and asked me for advice on how he can help. Important links: In the US, the sexual abuse hotline number for the US Dr. Pat Love's Hot Monogamy Research study on pornography addiction HuffPos

Coping with rejection in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or partnership or a marriage, can be very difficult. But to add to the hurt, you can also learn that your ex has moved on quickly -- or perhaps had moved on while still in a relationship with you. And that can lead to a feeling of being replaced. We'll talk about the feelings and thoughts this can create -- and something that can help you move through this grieving process.  It's called redefinition or reinterpretation -- and although it takes time to heal, this idea will help you move through feeling rejected into a better and more healthy life. Our listener email is from someone from Sweden who used the SpeakPipe opportunity to tell me of her interest in perfectly hidden depression or PHD and its potential place with spiritual problems..I give her my thoughts.. You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly

I see so many people who are living out their partnerships or marriages passing like ships in the night. And it’s very lonely. You may or may not recognize that apathy has snuck into your relationship, as you go about living parallel lives.  Most of these couples are conflict-avoidant and the distance that they feel between them is played out covertly, not openly. But they may look "fine" to the world since there's little to no arguing and most pragmatic things in the relationship are tended to and watched after. We’ll touch on this dynamic and then, of course, "what you can do about it," as I describe a method of trying to reestablish a sense of partnership and trust. Trigger warning: The listener email for today is from someone who has a compulsion to carry a defensive weapon that could end endangering her job – and asks what she can do about it. If you've had violence or abuse in your history, this discussion may be triggering for you. So please listen with care. Important Links: As

Depression, anxiety, and emotional paralysis can go hand in hand. But today we're talking today about fear – plain old unadulterated fear. But not fear about uncomfortable or destructive things. We're talking about fear of positive change the keeps you stuck in behaviors that are a problem for you.  What are those potential fears? There are five that we'll discuss in this week's episode of The SelfWork Podcast. A fear of the loss of stability or what's known fear of emotional vulnerability fear of ambiguity or even failure fear of shame that you didn’t change before -- and fear of relationship change Each one of these fears can prevent you from visualizing yourself being able to change in a direction that feels good and positive to you and can cause a real emotional paralysis. But we'll also talk about what you can do about it and how you can work with these fears. The listener email is from a woman from South Africa who took advantage of the SpeakPipe experience and left me a messag

If you've been sexually abused in any way, it changes the way you live your life. You can heal but it takes work and courage. But what if you're abused, you report or tell someone about it and you're not believed? This aftermath of abuse -- this total negation of what happened -- can feel even worse than the initial trauma. That's what we're focusing on today on SelfWork. If you've been abused, listening may trigger you in some way. So please take care. Ask for help if you need it. The hotline numbers for both the UK and the US can be found in the show notes. The listener email is from a young woman who’s identified with perfectly hidden depression but doesn’t know how to begin to look for a therapist… and how to reveal her hiding. Important links: The Indianapolis Star revealed massive exploitation and coverup of sexual abuse in the US Gymnastics program RAINN's statistics: most rapes never get reported. Other figures are staggering. Andy Woodward's story as he  revealed the d

This week I had an interview with Dr. Rami Wehbi who's host of the podcast Beyond Medicine and a fabulous listener. That particular experience led me to talk about what gets in the way of good listening. I chose three dynamics of the numerous ones that are out there: making assumptions, needing to be right, and avoidance of conflict and compromise. I offer solutions or ideas of what you can do about those issues, basically other attitudes or beliefs or habits you can shift into to make your conversations more meaningful and actually productive. The listener email is from a young woman who is a sexual abuse survivor but wasn’t believed by her family – until now. She’s asking what’s the best course for her to follow – and my most important advice to make a choice that she feels good about and doesn't re-victimize her in any way. You can hear more about good communication and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one week

Depression can steal your sense of vitality. Your "get up and go" or your motivation to reach goals that mean something to you can disappear. It's called anhedonia -- basically the lack of pleasure in (or motivation for) activities that used to mean something to you or to try on new challenges. But you don't have to be depressed for this to happen. Plain old insecurity can morph into passivity. And the dream of attaining certain goals can seem so far out of reach that you don't know how to become who you want to be. Enter the "as if" technique. Dr. Margaret will outline four basic steps that can guide you to find your motivation and make the changes possible that have seemed out of reach. And she gives both tangible and more intangible examples of how to make the progress you want to make. The listener email for this week describes the pain that a mother or father can have if their child appears to have a volatile personality disorder. Can you have some kind of relationship with so

The victim mentality or emotional martyrdom are personality traits that are very difficult to handle in relationships. It's when someone people pleases to the point of intense self-sacrifice, which leads to bitterness, misunderstanding and drama. At its base is immense insecurity, but it takes a lot of insight for someone with this mentality to see themselves and their impact on others objectively. Today I'll describe the major characteristics and what patterns of behavior someone who is in a relationship with an emotional martyr may observe. This episode is airing on what is an important day for me. Perfectly Hidden Depression, my book on breaking free from damaging and destructive perfectionism,  is available as of today in both paperback form and as an ebook or Kindle. You can read more about it and order here!  To celebrate, we’ve updated SelfWork a bit – a new cover and a slightly new name, The SelfWork Podcast. Simply a freshening up of what has become one of my favorite ways of reaching out! To

As I wrote the book Perfectly Hidden Depression, I included over sixty specific exercises that would make reading it more of an emotional challenge, rather than one more chance to analyze. They are both action-oriented and reflective exercises and hopefully, you'd come away with a journal full of fresh insights, guidance on effecting real change in your life and support for taking risks. So today I want to give you a taste of those exercises, so that you can get a sense of how this kind of change can be tried on for size. So many people want to change but start off with a plan that's way too difficult or hard to reach. Instead, these exercises are things you can do to help set yourself up for success – however it is that you would like to define that success. They include: creating a mantra, beginning to detach from shame, identifying emotions that are hard to feel, realizing underlying beliefs about worry and other feeling states, receiving positive recognition from others, and creating your own rela

This month has been full of questions from all of you! So I'm taking today to answer even more of them!  The topics are diverse. The first is from a man whose dreams haven’t been fulfilled and he’s almost totally given up that dream and is escaping through  The second from a woman who’s trying to make a decision about revealing past sexual abuse. The third from a man who’s realizing that a lot of his anxiety comes from feeling like he’s always disappointing other people. And the last is from a woman who’s married and the cycle she and her husband are in sounds as if it’s rapidly becoming more and more volatile and violent. Hopefully listening in will help you find your way in whatever you're trying to cope with. And I'll look forward to next week! You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my Face