Thomas And The Bible

I can't even tell you what happens in this podcast. No really. It's too painful. Just imagine the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a podcast. Yeah, that's what happened in this one. I want to punch Moses in the face harder than possible

So god is super pissed at his chosen people for being so worthless, but they are in luck because they have Moses, who has the virtue of being completely ordinary. Persuaded by Moses' mundaneness, god is appeased and accepts them back into his life.

Last podcast was the worst podcast ever created, but this podcast is the GREATEST one ever created. It's so good that it is proof of god. Because how could there be a good podcast without a god? Anyway, we get to the golden calf. HILARIOUS!

This is the worst podcast anyone has ever made. I really, strongly, emphatically ask you not to listen to it. I have never read something as stupid and boring and everything as this reading. I am dumbfounded by it. Please don't listen, I beg you.

Lots more of the pointless Law; I mean lots more; no really, a crapload more; god spells out to PRECISE detail how he needs his ark of the covenant to be made, and I wonder why he didn't take some care to protect and maintain it then...

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!; but first a bunch of weird crap with Moses and the Israelites. Remind me again why they are the chosen people? There is NOTHING special about them, in fact they are kind of irritating, and more than a little gassy.

More episodes in the ridiculous saga that is the fake exodus: even though every one is dead in Egypt, the Pharaoh somehow gets an army to do after the Israelites; said army is mounted on horses that were also killed in previous chapters; and more recap.

God continues the pointless torture of an entire people. I can't wait to move on from this bit, it really was agonizing. So repetitive and obviously fake.

In this episode, God inflicts torture on an entire people in order to prove to them that he is God. A slightly better alternative would have been some sort of mass harmless miracle witnessed by everyone. Did God just not have the time?

Exodus is as hilarious as the end of Genesis wasn't! There's a new sheriff in Egypt and he doesn't take kindly to Hebrews; we are introduced to the SO impressive burning bush; God nearly murders Moses' son before his mom performs some ridiculous heroics.

The good news: we are finishing Genesis! The bad news: it's every bit as boring as it has been. So Joseph is pretty much king of Egypt for no reason, and later Evita/Jacob/Israel dies and all of Egypt mourns him! Right.

Joseph continues a pointless charade; meanwhile his brother Simeon has been held captive this whole time and no one seems to care; finally, we get a stirring and riveting recap of all of Jacob's children, just like we all wanted.

If you missed the part where god spelled out his commandments, you aren't the only one; Joseph continues to prove his dim-wittedness; everyone displays an uncanny ability to tell meaningful dreams from the weird meaningless ones.

Starts off pretty uneventful; more recounting of generations which couldn't be more pointless or boring. It picks up later though as Joseph and his colored coat first appear. Joseph proves to be a real idiot. Judah proves to be an immoral douche.

When he's not pointlessly naming things left and right, Jacob is busy getting busy with rent boys. Just goes to show the many ways in which the bible inspires Republican congressmen. Then things become much less funny. Really. The bible is horrible.

If you see Canaan, tell him that yes we are still mad at him for all that nothing he did; follow your dreams was meant literally back then; Jacob is living a bad porn from the 70's.... or is it a really great one...

Sarah is dead and Abraham waits nearly 16 minutes to remarry; the venison obsessed Isaac gets himself kicked out of every town from here to Beersheba for just plain being too awesome. Don't ask him to tell own sons apart, though.

Abraham is a murderous psychopath; God is a forgetful moron whose hobbies include asking questions he already knows the answer to, and putting people through bizarre tests of faith he already knows the results of.

Genesis gets raunchy... you won't even believe the kind of crap that happens in this episode. Warning, the subject matter gets a little gruesome. Ok you are warned.

The bible takes a turn for the boring, but is revived by some good old fashioned polygamy. Also, I misspoke and said validify instead of validate.... I'm still feeling embarrassed.