This Is Not A Test - Books, Music, Movies, Art, Culture And Truth

Do you believe rumors? Of course you do. Where do they come from? Word has it we'll also talk about kinescopes, spinning plates, being an eternal optimist, seeing ghosts, your Facebook feed, P.T. Barnum, Internet arguing, the liberal media, briefly trying to be good Lutherans, Rastafarians, being a feminist, a dictator's stock in trade, pollen or tree droppings, faith, religions as rumors, salted fish, Mayor McCheese and coconut trees.

An oral history of my Teeth. Yes, teeth! Just one of life's wonders and horrors that we all share. And you can't talk about teeth without talking about Thunderdome, science and technology, surviving on 2 liter bottles of Coke and bowls full of jellybeans, stumps and crowns, implants (dental, not breast), royal decree, things you think are crazy until you do them yourself, being hypnotized out of your money, my psychology in particular or anyone's psychology in general, being busy, going to Iceland, flying vs. the bus and the Grand Central Market downtown.

An admittedly biased one-man oral history of the Guerilla Poetics Project, including tricky vampire doctors, sharks, unknown poets, databases, voting blind, Ginsu knives, explaining Netflix to a monkey, swag, pawn shops, mysterious collectives, going viral, human nature, ending strong, the extinction of retail book stores (maybe), vinyl LPs, The Beatles fan club and minor miracles.

An inebriated "interview" with author and artist Hosho McCreesh. Including discussion of telephones, Hot Pockets, the Guerilla Poetics Project, pre-established familiarity, Four Roses bourbon, apology and explanation, leaving your balls at Disneyland, buying fake purses in Juarez, all jobs are lousy, people who use typewriters are assholes, the shrinking world of the aging, binding books with Admiral Kurtz (a.k.a. Bill Roberts), writing running its course, being stuck on a tiny dust mote in a vast emptiness and lack of preparation.

This Facebook thing, think it'll catch on? Also, gay marriage in Kentucky, cats are henchmen for the dark overlord, knock-off Prada bags, Soviet apartments, geocities, pictures of car wrecks, chosing convenience over quality, hedge funds, the Holstee Manifesto, five thousand dollar bicycles, mystery meat, snake oil, those Victorian-era bikes with the giant wheels, taxidermied deer feet, 80 year old hammers, wiping your ass with a corncob and Ben Franklin.

Okay, let's talk about The MTV Video Music Awards, Chrissie Hynde's book interview and the Internet's reaction to it, and The Pageant of The Masters, which is something you've probably never heard of, but you've got to hear about it. And yes, I will also say a thing or two about the Oscars, the Wu-Tang Clan, N.W.A., power ballads, A Flock of Seagulls, a modern day Christ figure, hurricane Katrina, Laguna Beach-types, Mark Twain, ostriches and nostalgia.

Trevy Felix of Boom Shaka and his companion Nelly Stharre were found dead on August 19th in the burned remains of the house where they lived in the hills of Dominica. Trevy was a friend for almost 30 years, so here's a little remembrance.

Today I'm going to read you a story. Sit back, relax. Put your feet up. Pour yourself a tumbler of tequila or Bärenjäger. Get into your jammies. Or whatever you do.

Listen while I extol the wonders of aging and sing the praises of getting up and doing the same thing every day, running naked through the streets, retirement, pensions, GOD testing Job, people who "don't see color," being in your 50s, filling up the Internet, the best place to sit or stand at a concert, going blind, having the stamina of an 18 year old, torn ligaments and separated shoulders, hummingbird feeders, dropping dead on your 35th birthday, doctors not actually curing anyone, changing lots of flat tires, eternal life and looking up at the sky and wondering what happens next.

Let me tell you about First Aid Kit, and what it was like when I saw them perform the other night. Let me also tell you about the Inland Empire, cult-speak, living in a Walmart parking lot, plowing the same fields over and over, sibling vocal harmony as competition, authenticity, suffering for your god, the rudeness of Los Angeles audiences, angels and kitties, Black Sabbath, using your god damn phone to take pictures and video during a concert, feeling human, hitchhikers, movie theaters, Led Zeppelin, being among the 25% of podcasters who are too stupid or masochistic to give up, screaming from the top of Mt. Wilson and 11,520 birds chirping.

What happens when I’m part of the audience at a live Big Brother TV show. Not to mention, blown tires, wobbly CV joints, drifting, soggy in New York, Ed Sullivan, The Beatles, punk cred, the L.A. river, Julie’s boudoir, the angriest white man in America, amping up the excitement level, lemonade, grade school pictures, how babies dance before they have full control of their bodies, the age of consent in Canada, trained seals, identical twins, good natured ribbing, making an ass of yourself, elevator conversations, smoke alarms, ceiling joists, rugs and curtains, unrealistic expectations and screaming.

Misadventures in trying to give things away on the Internet. Also: dicking around, vacations, text messaging, ridiculously humid days, lying about your name, setting fires in your front yard, people at the post office, bubble wrap, the customer is usually wrong, the Recycler, that TV show about guys up in Maine buying and selling and bartering out of a weekly classifieds paper, selling guitars, blacksmithery, things like soap, riding the wave of change, the middle class, being frozen or suspended or whatever they do to preserve our flimsy bodies after we die and trust.

Let’s talk about clothes. We all wear them, we all love them. You do love them, don’t you? Along the way let’s also mention humidity, the people who really run shit, guacamole, Chinese boots, caves and castles, going topless, Victorian era women, flappers, frozen steaks, Comic-Con, Captain America, mouth-breathers, subcultures, fishermen, black jeans and Babylon.

It’s time to get to the bottom of Charles Bukowski’s “10 year drunk” and many other Bukowski myths. Also, taking it easy in Greece, Pearl Harbor, meditation, BMWs, expensive wine and a veritable slew of new Bukowski books due out later this year.

It’s the 4th of July, what better day to talk about independence. We’ll wave the flag and maybe talk about some other things, like the President, Marc Maron, Rolling Stone and the Rolling Stones, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Joan Jett and the Runaways, the Sex Pistols and Green Day, blowing shit up, refusing to kiss the king’s ring, weasels, politicians, tough bastards, the Maldives, the homeland, military regimes, censorship, learning a new language, flags, explorers, colonists, Stonehenge, Vikings, fracking, a McDonald’s in Denver, rainforests and deserts, the plains, a pile of beanbag chairs, working until the day you drop dead, food that cooks itself, North Korea, corn on the cob and plastic. Among other things.

TED, changing the world one robot at a time. Also, Big Brother, camping, Comic-Con, the Rolling Stones, the south pole, smallpox, selfies, throwing shade and ice cream on my nose.

I love autobiographies and I love rock and roll in all its many hairy permutations, so what could be better than reviewing a stack of autobiographies written by musicians? That’s a rhetorical question, I’m going to do it anyway. By chance I may also speak of Rachel Dolezal (again), Compton’s Most Wanted, White Indians, survivalist cults, Saturday Night Live, jumping off a cliff after work and prophesies foretold.

Thrill to the new sound of me talking about Rachel Dolezal, dreadlocks, our old friend the Internet, Bob Marley and the Wailers, the Vocoder, the tinny clang of the 80s, electric guitars, triggers, metal kids, mistakes, Gramophones, fuzzy noisemakers, the Mellotron, Guitar Center, Louis Armstrong, transcendence, cocked wahs, bagpipes and momentum.

Well, I have a little chest congestion, so forgive the slight wheezing as I talk about President Obama, the Los Angeles Clippers, fast forwarding, neighbors, construction, This Old House as porn, people who are good at what they do, working on Sunday, the history of sticking windows into walls, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, chatty Cathy, the Los Angeles Philharmonic, corrugated fiberglass, Styrofoam heads, evidence of a grow house, Ben Franklin, Mark Twain, Gandhi, bus stop ads, Adam Sandler's idiotic baby talk characters, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan, Marc Maron, racism, Bob Dylan and Joe Dirt.

Starring Mary Ellen Mark, Bukowski's LouJon press books, book art, letterpress, getting your hands dirty, kissing the paper, manual typewriters, nostalgia, home tanneries in Brooklyn, synthesizers, late 50s Les Pauls, craftsmanship, Kalamazoo Michigan, robots, green wood, perpetual motion, Detroit steel, making rich people more rich, buying Bukowski's boyhood home, gentrification, turning all of Los Angeles into one big Universal back lot, Giza, slaves, lunch trucks and the Library of Congress.